(Closed) Resentful of His Parents, Not Offering to Pay

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 167
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Lt.Columbo: I totally agree. I told my Fiance the same thing you wrote before I saw it posted.  I can’t believe that this guy is being made the villian when he is contributing 20,000!

 No-one can make you do anything you don’t want too. It’s that simple. If you can’t afford it then don’t do it.  Do what you can without going into debt. There are two sides to every story and we haven’t had a chance to hear it from her Fiance viewpoint. I read exactly what OP posted and I still feel the same way. His parent’s do not have to contribute a dime if they don’t want to. I’m not trying to be harsh. I’m just giving my honest opinion. The sheer definition of entitlement is the fact of having a right to something. Therefore, if you think that someone else should help fiance your wedding then that is feeling entitled to there money. Wanting or hoping for help and feeling resentful toward’s someone for not offering it is two completly different things. And in her own word’s she resent’s them. I just don’t think that’s right. I hope OP can communicate with her Fiance and stand her ground. No-one should expect you to have lavish things at your wedding if you can’t afford it. You can have a really nice wedding for 40,000. Good luck!

Post # 168
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@jessiesbabe:  About the mom crying, I believe she told her mom what her Fiance said which i think is on her for sharing (i know my Fiance doesn’t always love my family, so a vent he has is not something i share with them).  That is why I said she and her Fiance need to be on the same page before planning more and talking to the parents.

About the compassion and logic, how many of our FI’s knew anything about the amount of money, planning and compromise goes into a wedding.  If he only has his sister as experience, it may be a skewed perception of all weddings, and you can’t entirely fault someone if they don’t know any other way.

He’s also pitching in 20K, which is more than a lot of bee’s weddings, and I don’t really see anyone giving him credit for that.

ETA:  @littlebearmel finally giving some credit

Post # 169
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

I won’t go into the emotional aspects of your Fiance not supporting you on this since other bees have covered this pretty well.  I do want to mention one thing though.

I think the way you are approaching this with your Fiance is wrong.  If your guy is anything like mine he has no idea of all of the details that go into a wedding and how much they cost. I think you need to go back to basics and create a detailed plan of how much everything is going to cost and go over it with your Fiance.

As in make an itemized list of everything, invitations $X, photographer $X, venue $X, etc and include everything that it takes to get to that $65K.  And include pictures and details of what is included for those prices.  This way your Fiance can see where you’re getting that figure from and he can help you decide what it unnecessary fluff (chocolate fountains, lots of flowers, or open bar), and what you both really want to have (extended hors d’oeurvres, open bar, whatever).

And this way when his parents complain you aren’t having the horse and carriage (or whatever) he can make an informed response about the actual costs of it.  And if he doesn’t like the price of something you’ve found, you can give him the task of finding it for cheaper.

Good luck!

Post # 170
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

i read through all the comments.  honestly i don’t think you are ready to marry this guy or anyone at this point. reassess your relationship and postpone your wedding.

first the story is one sided about the fiance.  he’s contributing 20k so we have to give him some credit but making mom cry was a bad.  he has been raised with certain expectations about bride’s parents paying but i think in this day and age, neither set of parents should be expected to pay.  you should be grateful for any amount of money you get.  if my fi insinuated that my parents should pay more, i would tell my parents to keep their money.

if money is an issue now, what will happen after the two of you are married and you are still unemployed?  you two are already started off on the wrong foot.

if you feel you are ready to get married, instead of worry about coming up with a total of 64k, i think you should be able to be resourceful enough to make 40k work.  i’m not saying that 40k is too much for a wedding.  i too come from a family where expectations are high.  my brother budgeted over 100k for his wedding when he was looking at a wedding for 500-800 guests.  my sis-in-law was able to make it work for much less.  but they came up with a budget and a worst case scenario on how they were going to pay for it.  they postponed their wedding for over a year because my brother got laid off and the firm asked to delay her start date after law school.  but they saved every penny and was able to pay for their wedding by themselves and with cash.  she never expected my parents to contribute to the wedding even though my mom was the one that handed my brother with a guest list with 598 names.

i started panicking about the wedding cost so i decided to make it a destination wedding.  we are paying for it ourselves because in my culture, it is expected that the groom’s family pays but i know his family cannot afford to contribute anything.  i’m old enough to get married so i’m old enough to help pay for my own wedding.

i think you need to think long and hard about getting married.  if you think you are ready, you need to come up with a plan for a 30k wedding — saving 10k for unexpected costs.

 

 

Post # 171
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Can’t cut the guest list = find a DIFFERENT venue!  You can’t tell us that the place that’s over 30 grand is the cheapest place!  There HAS to be another place to have a wedding with 275 guests. 

Another solution, if you can’t afford it right now, postpone.

Post # 172
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

this might sound harsh but its the truth.

If you are ready to get married then you should be willing to pay for it yourself. 40,000 is more then enough and if that is not good enough for your Fiance then it might no be the best idea to get married right now. You need to stand up to him. A marriage is about both people and it seems like this is all about him and you are letting it be that way. The way I see it is you have 2 options work it out and get married with the 40,000 or put it off until he decides to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat and you are able to put your foot down and stand up for yourself.

Oh and the first thing you need to do is tell him that he should speak to your mother and say he is sorry for making her cry.

Post # 173
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I read through your post, and I am wondering what state you are from? In NJ (where I am from) I could offer some suggestions of venues that you could look at. I went to a lot of them. Regardless of what state you live in, sometimes, if you look on the website for the venues, they list “value dates”, which are dates that the venue is having trouble booking (sometimes it is close to a holiday, or maybe there was another event booked on that day and it was cancelled for whatever reason). When I booked my venue, I did my best to bargain a rate, and was prepared to walk away if I had to. My family has high expectations for a wedding, but I am doing the best that I can with my budget, and I trim costs wherever I can. For example, for flowers, I am having the florist make short centerpeices instead of tall, as this costs half the money. I am also having her use the least expensive container. We aren’t having a centerpeice on our sweetheart table, as the florist (who works a lot with our venue) said that she displays the bridal bouquets and the bridesmaids’ bouquets across this table to decorate it. I am making all of the boutonnieres, which is saving me well over $100. I got a great deal on my dress, as I shopped around to a bunch of stores, and even got them to include my veil for free. It is hard with the guestlist, and I know how much it sucks when there are people invited who you have never even met. If your Fiance says that he is inviting them “out of respect”, are there some of them that you don’t think will go? My fiance had us do the same thing, even for people that he knows aren’t going to go. He made a spreadsheet of his guest list and coded it by green (will def go), yellow (not sure), and red (most likely will not go). Good luck to you, and keep in touch!

Post # 174
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is that 30,000 just to rent the place? Because maybe you could find a cheaper venue place? Save your money for the food, especially if it’s an italian family! We like to eat! my dad has a large family and I said, if u wanna invite all your 13 brothers and sisters u better help pay! He said we can pay half. Worked out good. Just give them a number they can invite, 50 people or so. Tell them if they want more they have to pay. I think thats fair. Your fi should understand this and be able to talk to his parents about it.good luck! Keep me posted!

Post # 176
Member
8736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@katiebee3: Good for you to standing up to him about this. This is not worth all the pain it is causing you and your family.

Being married is about compromise and it sounds like compromise hasn’t really been in his (or his parent’s) vocabularies when it comes to weddings.

I hope things go well for you and you can mend the relationship.

Post # 177
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@katiebee3: I also applaud you for standing up for what you believe! Before you close this thread, can you tell us what his reply was? I know he’s looking at other venues, but what was his reply?

Post # 178
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

64k? Oh. my. gosh. I would be flipping out. My suggestion – cut down the guest list. We had to do the same, I cut out everyone in his family that I didn’t know, and he did the same with my family. That cut us down by 100, which helped a bunch. Then if his parent get upset, politely tell them that you just don’t have the funds to accomodate people you haven’t met.

 

Hope I helped a little. Good luck!

EDIT: Sorry, while I was typing your response came up. Good luck, whatever youj guys end up doing!

Post # 180
Member
8736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@katiebee3: You did your part though. Make sure to continue stand your ground. Let him know that you and your family are not push overs and will not go into debt for this wedding.

The $20k from your parents is way more than generous and he and his family should respect the fact that your family has given a very generous gift rather than acting ungrateful and honestly being a little bit like spoiled brats.

Post # 181
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t like how your Fiance is responding to you about it, it worries me that he does not seem to listen or help figure this out with you. If it was my man, I would tell him to stick his Italian pride up his you know what. i would need to see him catering to my needs at least as much as he does to his parents, or else their 200 guests will be celebrating his bachelorehood instead.

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