(Closed) Resentful of His Parents, Not Offering to Pay

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@AprilJo2011:

Agreed. I think she said spending this much on a wedding is ridiculous. She’s just trying to come to a solution. The entitlement seems to come from her FI’s family unfortunately.

I’m going to stop commenting now. It’s getting out of control lol.

Post # 93
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Okay first of all you can do a lot of things with the forty thousand that you already have. You should start by finding a different venue. Try a different avenue. There are a lot of places with banquet facilities. Dont be affraid to think outside the box, look at museams and other fun locations like that. As far as his parents contributing maybe its not “tradition” for them to just give you money for the weedding, but tradition states that the grooms parents pay for the marriage license and officiant fees, the grooms attire, brides bouquet, bouts for men, and corsages for mothers and grandmothers, the honeymoon, hosts and pays for rehursal dinner, your wedding band according to the knot. There are other lists, but this is the basic outline. Now if they want to be traditional then that is what they pay for you should find something and print it out for your Fiance to read. If they do contribute to any of that then you will be able to offset your budget a little with that help. I think one way of cutting cost is cutting the guest list. If he doesnt give two hoots if the people are there and its just the parents then dont invite them, but if it is important to him then you need to make a compromise!! If it is important to have a huge lavish event I would say that his family needs to contribute to the cost, or you postpone until you have the funds to pay for it. But there are ways. Be creative!!

Post # 94
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

One word: elope.

F**k it.  Save your parents their hard earned 20k – let them go into retirement just a tad earlier or with 20k more cushion.  Save your own 20k for something more important than satifying his families demands.

Post # 95
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@AprilJo2011: I would realize that the people that were placing those expectations were being unrealistic, not worry about their opinions, and get down to doing whatever I could on the budget I could afford. 

OP, this is a problem because you’re allowing it to be a problem. Do what PP have said, build a budget, work on finding a venue that supports it and then if you can’t make that work with the guest list provided just send it back and say: “Unfortunately due to monetary concerns we need to cut 100 people total from the guest list. Please mark the X number of people that you would like given our new total. 

Yeah they might be upset, but what are they really going to do? Not give you money? Well they’ve already done that. Stop their son from marrying you? I doubt it. Talk about you behind your back? Maybe but if you are classy about it people will see that it’s baseless, and you will survive it.

Post # 96
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would cut out some of the $200 people from hi sside no offence but if my parents are paying for most I will make sure they get more people to come its not about tradition its about support.My cultures tradition is mens side pays all but my parents are still helping.Im so sorry to hear hugs hun. Dont let them ruin your day I guess you can be chinsy when it comes to there christmas present lol.

Post # 97
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I had a wedding for under 4k. With 125 guests. It can be done and you need to find ways to cut the guest list or costs for the wedding.

Post # 98
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I really can’t believe how some ppl feel so entitled. 

I don’t care how many ppl your FI’s family is inviting….YOU and your Fiance will be doing the invites. Someone needs to grow a pair and tell his family that they aren’t going to dictate who is going to be receiving an invitation.I mean seriously???

But, aside from that, if you are old enough to get Married then you are old enough to pay for the wedding yourself. You state that your family isn’t wealthy so why would you want to accept that type of money from them? Wouldn’t that be an amazing amt of money for your family to keep?? And, your FI’s family may be pretty annoying right now but they are NOT required to pay or even offer to pay for anything. 

I’m just so beside myself thinking that you don’t think you can manage a beautiful wedding on just the money your Fiance can contribute $20k……

Honestly, I couldn’t imagine accepting money from my family for MY wedding and surely wouldn’t be pissed that my FI’s family hasn’t offered to help no matter how many ppl they wanted invited. 

 

Post # 99
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@katiebee3: i’m guessing marrying into an Italian family comes with big expectations, i’m guessing fi second, third and fourth cousins are on that guest list (sorry i’m joking) and that things need to be wow, my wedding is for only 80 people and is costing me £5000, so by doing a lot yourself, or with the help of all those soon to be in-laws you could come up with something spectacular. i’m am shocked at the $64,000 budget, my house cost less than that, you’ve only looked at two options so calm down. why not check out venues with a $20,000 max budget. that leaves you with the other 50% to get everything else.

my mum got married 6 years ago, her wedding cost £4,500 and my brother got married 4 years ago his wedding cost £18,000…. guest what my mums was a nicer do. 

 

Post # 100
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

@Mrs.Firefly1: Yes! This. OP, I think you’re making this into a much harder than it needs to be. Sit your Fiance down and lay out the facts: You have $40,000 for the wedding, so you can plan a $40,000 wedding. You do not have $64,000 for the wedding, so you cannot plan a $64,000 wedding. If he argues or protests, ask him where he plans to get the extra $24,000 from. 

And also, the beautiful thing about parents not contributing to the wedding: they don’t get to call the shots! They can expect you to do X, Y, and Z, but you don’t have to take on the burden of actually meeting those expectations. They’re not paying so you don’t have to plan the wedding that they want. They are simply guests of honor who are invited to celebrate your special day. That’s it! 

Just relax. I think you’re taking on other people’s expectations and demands when you really don’t need to be. You will enjoy your engagement and the wedding planning process so much more if you’re not carrying other people’s burdens! 

Post # 101
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My husband and I had a small wedding for around $5K.  We financed it almost completely ourselves (my mom bought my dress and flowers and some other small things). We didn’t want to spend a ton of money and we didn’t want anyone that we didn’t know at our wedding.  However, his parents wanted to invite about 200 (!) people–they own a business in his hometown and wanted all their friends and colleagues invited.  They did not offer us any money to invite all these people. My husband put his foot down and told them that we didn’t want a big wedding and that it was not in our budget. We stuck to our guest list of 30 people.  After that, every time his mother brought up something expensive she wanted to see in our wedding (for example, she kept finding us photographers over $2K after I told her we weren’t hiring a pro photographer), I repeated the line “it’s not in our budget”. My husband backed me 100% against his parents (which is one of the reasons I love him so much!!!)

The problem here is that your fiance seems to expect your parents to fork over all the money for his family’s lavish wedding just because “it’s tradition”. That’s not fair to your parents.

Post # 102
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ticatica: A-men!

OP, I don’t meant to sound harsh, but honestly it sounds like your fiance is acting like a spoiled child. How dare he imply that because his family paid for his sister’s lavish wedding, that your family is obligated to pay *more than $20,000* for your wedding! That is just absurd and so, so incredibly entitled. I hope that your family isn’t being made to feel like their HUGE, generous contribution to your wedding is somehow “less than” or “not enough.” I’ll give your fiance the benefit of the doubt and assume that, since he grew up with a lot of money and seems well off now, he’s simply out of touch with the plight of us middle class folk. Regardless, you need to confront him about how unreasonable he is being and get on the same page ASAP. If he is so out of touch that he can’t empathize with you or your family in this situation, honestly, I’d be questioning a lot more than the wedding venue.

@Taylor4: “OP, this is a problem because you’re allowing it to be a problem.”

Actually, it seems to me like this is a problem because the OP’s fiance is not on the same page as her, and is unwilling to budge on guest list or budget. It sounds like the OP is willing to cut corners and cut back on the guest list, but that her fiance won’t hear it.

Post # 103
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Just tell his parents that you only have X amount to spend on the wedding and therefore can only have X amount of guests, so they have to cut down their list by X. Don’t even mention the money, if they want to offer then they can. Therefore you’re giving them the opportunity to offer to pitch in without actually asking them to, but worst case scenario they just cut out some guests.

Post # 105
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@katiebee3: I would use your mother’s reaction to get MAD and really talk to your Fiance about this.  It is not right!  Here you are being called entitled and what not when it’s HIM who is acting entitled.  Hope you guys can work this out.

P.S. – I would be very upset that he made my mother cry over this when her gift was MORE than generous to begin with.

Post # 106
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@katiebee3: That is AWFUL. I would be second guessing my relationship with him, at this point. It is hard for me to imagine how a person can be so selfish and ungrateful as to SCOFF at a GIFT of $20,000–$20,000!!!–especially coming from people who are not outrageously wealthy. OMG. I’m sorry for the caps, but I am just outraged for you!

If I were in your position, I would not mention any more of this to my family. They have been incredibly generous and don’t deserve to feel inadequate because your fiance is being a spoiled brat (sorry, I’m trying not to name-call, but I just don’t know another way to describe his behavior!).

Next, I would halt the wedding planning and enroll my fiance and me in couple’s counseling to figure out whether I even wanted to continue the relationship. His behavior is unacceptable and I’m not sure I could marry a man who treated my family like this.

Good luck, and please keep us posted on what you decide to do/what happens.

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