(Closed) Resentful of His Parents, Not Offering to Pay

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Don’t forget that EVERYBODY you invite is not going to come…especially if they live in a different country.

Post # 123
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jessiesbabe: I’m not trying to offend anyone by putting Italian in quotes. Technically, I’m part Italian too.

But my FI’s family literally puts the word Italian before everything- for example Future Mother-In-Law is going through “Italian Menopause”, she wants to go on her “Italian Diet” before the wedding, she has “Italian Hips”… she literally identifies everything about herself as “Italian”.

That does not mean whatsoever, that people of Italian backgrounds/heritage are like this. But some families do have that mentality.

Anyway, your post is off-topic. My post to the OP was to sympathize with her situation and offer advice.

Post # 124
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Wow… Imagine having to settle for a 40K wedding!

I have never been under the impression that any parents owe their child a wedding.  Whatever they are willing to contribute should be viewed as a gracious gift.  Accordingly, it is up to each couple to plan within their means–inability for most people to do this is why this country is in this mess.  Hate to say it, but you can’t go through this passively.  If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.  And if people aren’t impressed, then oh well… fortunately, that’s not what weddings are supposed to be about.

Post # 125
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@missrobots: I don’t think that’s the point. I think her fiance had a chance…I mean, THE chance, to show her he was on her side and his parents are being unreasonable and hurtful to HER parents and he blew it. Big time.

Post # 126
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@PinkPinstripes: LOL. Thanks for clarifying 🙂

ETA: My “Italian” hips are what I call child bearing hips, lol.

Post # 127
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I understand balanacing family pressures, but I’m betting that you can have an absolutely beautiful wedding for the money you have, and still accommodate everyone.  I know for us, setting our budget was priority #1 and then everything else just had to work.  There’s no point to going into debt for what is essentially one day! And if his family keeps the pressure on, it’s his job to wrangle that and look out for you both.  Good luck!

Post # 128
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It seems your Fiance is siding with his family and his mom. If I were you, I would tell him that you will not go over your budget…he is only contributing as much as your parents are, so you should have equal number of guests or his family should pay for more. My Darling Husband family offered to pay for any guests that went over what we were inviting which was generous, my parents didn’t accept it but at least they offered. Are his parents offering to pay for anything?

This makes me so mad for you. I would be pissed at his family for thinking they can plan YOUR wedding and tell them to basically shove it. You invite who you can afford to invite, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice what you want in a wedding to appease his family.

Post # 129
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@Lt.Columbo: …well he is. He is expecting her parents to put in more because his parents paid an arm and a leg for his sister.

You shouldn’t have told your mom what he said. You should have ripped him a new one. The budget is $40,000. Tell him you can have X number of people, show him your list and tell him he can add whomever he wants until X is reached.

Leave it up to him. His X number of guests is his problem. You have other things to plan.

Post # 130
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I obviously don’t know the entire story, but if my fiance told me that he EXPECTS my parents to pay for our wedding, I would seriously be rethinking our relationship and the person that he is.

Also, why does he expect your family to contribute, but thinks it is rude of you to want help from his family, who is demanding more than what your budget will allow? Although, I don’t think that you mentioned you have actually talked to his family about what they want — it sounds like you and your fiance are ASSUMING that they want a lavish wedding.

Your top priority right now should be finding a way for you and your fiance to meet in the middle. Unfortunately, I don’t think that it is within your rights to talk to his family, it needs to be something that he decides to do on his own.

Good luck, and I am sorry that you are going through this.

Post # 131
Member
5283 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

So after reading all of this, it sounds like you have your answer regarding your budget, it is 40K period. the end. noboday can/wants to put any more into it.

Secondly, apparently you don’t have a choice but to invite his entire family (if he won’t stand up to his parents, or rather, he himself even be willing to compromise on the number of guests) then you have your answer – he won’t comrpomise. the end.

So, your only option is to 1) choose a different venue 2) have a morning wedding at the same venue, or 3) potentially have a friday or sunday wedding at the venue. With cutting corners elsewhere, hopefully you will be able to stay in budget.

Post # 132
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Taylor4: Totally agree. I just pointed that out because, since this pressure & these unrealistic expectations are coming from her fiance (and not just from her FILS), her problems won’t necessarily evaporate if she just decides to say “to hell with the in-laws,” since her fiance himself is the one causing a lot of the issues with his unwillingness to budge. It’s definitely a good idea for her to clearly communicate the reality of the budget situation to her fiance, though. His reaction to this will be very telling (for better or for worse).

Post # 133
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I would lose my sh*t on my husband if he tried to say that the amount my parents were giving wasn’t enough.  I really really would reconsider marrying him.  Luckily, he would never EVER do that so I don’t have to consider the possibility.

You should not have told your mother that this is an issue at all.  Don’t make her feel bad.  You should be THANKING her for a hugely generous gift. 

If I were you I would let your finace know that the way he is acting is completely inappropriate and unacceptable and he better get his act together, stand up to his parents and be on your side.  Or he and his family can have a nice big party without a bride!

Post # 134
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It’s probably been said enough, but the problem here is with the fiance. He is the one demanding that the bride’s family pay more. Real nice guy, making his girlfriend’s mom cry. My jerkmeter is going off.

Post # 135
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Lt.Columbo: I don’t really think that’s fair. In the OP she said she’s looking for a job so she can contribute and has stated many times that she thinks the current plans are excessive. It’s not like she’s asking for a $10K dress and a chocolate scuplture in her likeness and demanding they pay for it…

Post # 136
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Beluga: Technically, the bride was the one foolish enough to pass the message along and make the bride’s mom cry.  (I’m not saying what the groom said was right or he’s absolved of responsibility, but you don’t pass along hurtful things like that!)

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