Resentful towards boyfriend because he won't propose

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
235 posts
Helper bee

Honestly to me it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. Setting crazy timelines like that looks like stalling and I’m sure if you did follow his timelines exactly there would always be something else he wanted to achieve before you could get engaged.

Does he want to get married? Does he want children? Maybe the fact that your timelines are completely different means that you are not compatible? I don’t think it’s worth waiting around for a man who may not even propose. He doesn’t sound like he is in a good place in his life yet and who knows how long it will be until he is there. If marriage and children are important to you then I would seriously think about this relationship and where you see it going because it sounds like it won’t end happily for you unfortunately.

Post # 3
1114 posts
Bumble bee

sparklysushi :  So basically the entire relationship has been long distance, and he still lives with his parents and acts like a child? Why on earth would you want to marry him, why do you think he will be able to support you and help you raise children? 

You are still young, I think this relationship has run its course. Find someone in your own city who is more compatible. 

Post # 4
1088 posts
Bumble bee

Oh honey, no. 

This sounds like a colossal waste of your twenties and possibly thirties on a loser who will never give you what you want.

I recommend shopping around for a boyfriend who is way more compatible with you without all this baggage:

-Long distance

-Lives at home

-Switching jobs constantly 

-Demands to live with a gf for 5 years before being willing to commit

-“Lost it” when you tried to discuss your vision for the future 

You will be pulling your hair out with this guy, bee. Trust me- been there and done that. 

Also, one is never too old to have a wedding so get that out of your head. There is nothing wrong with being older than you expected when you get married. 

Also, don’t assume that just because you take on the risk of supporting him while he tries to find himself in his career that he would do the same for you. He sounds selfish



Post # 5
4495 posts
Honey bee

While I think his overall timeline is excessive, I wouldn’t propose to someone I’ve only been long distance with either.  I need to get out of the honeymoon phase and long distance relationships are usually don’t get out of that because you’re just so grateful when you are together that you dont have time to get past that.

Also, he doesn’t even sound financially stable or ready for marriage in a lot of big ways.  

So what do you do?  You move on.

You want different things on different timelines and don’t sound very compatible.  Instead of pushing him for things he’s not ready for to fit your timeline, go find yourself a guy who already wants the things you want.  He isn’t the only guy in existence.  You aren’t forced to make it work with this one guy.

Post # 6
8485 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

It sounds like you want totally different things, at different times and are currently leading very different lives. This doesn’t really sound like a compatible relationship. The living together for 5 years thing is bullshit. Don’t waste your best years on someone who will keep bullshitting you. 

Post # 7
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’d stop waiting. He isn’t earning that level of commitment from you.

Post # 8
6642 posts
Bee Keeper

He’s not your man. You approach life differently and you want different things. Why would you want to tie yourself to someone who sounds so irresponsible and nowhere near ready to be an adult? Why would you be willing to give up so much to be associated with someone long distance who doesn’t seem future-oriented? You are 26. Give yourself a chance to be happy on your own or to find someone who wants what you want. 

Post # 9
4036 posts
Honey bee

Ack! Why do you want to marry this man? He sounds like a loser – or at least a loser in training. Get out now and find someone worthy. 

Post # 10
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

You don’t want to marry him.  I promise.  Move on.

Post # 11
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

I read a sappy quote once that essentially explained that the people we tie ourselves to, specifically in relationships, limits what we are able to do in life. It kind of controls where you’re able to go, what you’re motivated to achieve, your experiences in life, and obviously your happiness. It dictates the friends you make and your own personal development because the person you’re with is either going to build you up, be a support system and work with you to achieve goals together, or they are going to leech off of you emotionally and financially, drag you down, and your attachment to them is going to hold you back from experiencing better things….

In this case the better thing could be developing yourself and experiencing life and achieving your goals, or it could be a (real) man who has the motivation and the perseverance to educate himself, keep a steady job and his finances under control and who has the motivation to build a life with you, because he loves you as much as he loves himself. 

I think you’d be settling hard if you stayed with him. 

Post # 12
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sparklysushi :  

Bee I think this relationship is simply going to drag you down.  You’re attaching yourself to someone who not only isn’t stable but is making no effort to become so.  He’s aimless and doesn’t know what he wants but wants you to stick around and support him in his aimlessness.  In short, you are dating a boy not a man and a man is what you need.

You are wasting your time with this one.  If he was serious about making things work, he would make it his purpose to be in a stable job and in his own place.  Instead he’s dependent on you and mommy and daddy…..little Peter Pan who doesn’t want to grow up.

Walk away.

Post # 13
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Five years living together after another two or three years long distance “to pay off debts” (assuming he holds a job long enough to actually pay) doesn’t sound reasonable to me. I was long distance with my SO for five years while I was in grad school and moved back to our home state after to live with him, and honestly I was unhappy that we were not engaged until about 15 months after the move. I was getting ready to walk after a year, so five years would not have been possible for me.

Also be warned about moving in with a guy who is coming from his parent’s house. There is a high probability that he will not do his share of household upkeep. There will be a period where you either have to be mommy or accept a lower level of cleanliness until he becomes more functional. Combining that with waiting for an engagement that’s on his terms is going to make you miserable, believe me. 

Post # 14
518 posts
Busy bee

Living 5 years? What exactly will this arbitrary number accomplish? I think living together is a big factor in getting married because living together is completely different then dating. My husband and I both decided we wanted to co habitate before getting engaged but he proposed 3 months after we moved it and he said he waited that long because he was waiting for my birthday. 

The beginning part about no job and debt you know I feel like life is rough and any of us can be in that position pretty quickly if life decides to be mean to us but the whole 5 year living together, get out of here. 

Post # 15
907 posts
Busy bee

My ex bf used to tell me that we had to date for at least 5 years before he would consider proposing. Guess what? After we broke up he proposed to the next girl within a year. Do yourself a favor and move on from this. It seems like you have a lot going on for you. This guy ain’t it!

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