Post # 1
So i’ve only been with my boyfriend for 2 years (we always have and still do long distance). I am 26 and he’s 27. I have a stable life, I work full-time not in any debt and I’m just waiting on my boyfriend to say he’s ready so I can move to his city. But he’s the opposite always job swapping never happy with one and he’s basically getting no hours which means no money and also since being with me he got his first loan so he’s in a heap of debt which annoys me even more.
So due to all of this he’s asked if I stay where I am (he still lives with his parents) because he can’t afford to move out and I know from personal experience it takes years to pay debts off so I know it won’t be happening for another 2-3 years.
He’s also told me he needs to live with someone for 5 years prior to asking to marry them because he got engaged with his ex so he doesn’t want to make the same mistake which I completely understand but looking at the time frame it’ll be what 28-29 years old before I live with him and then add another 5 so what 34-35 before we even get engaged and by then I personally think I’m to old for a wedding plus I am against the idea of kids before marriage so that rules kids out as well. I also don’t want to stay in the same career as what I’m doing now so I hope because I’m supporting him during job changes he’ll do the same.
I dont know what to do? I told him and he lost it and went completely off at me but why should I follow his timeline? Well technically he doesn’t even have one but he won’t even give mine a chance? We can’t meet in the middle with this, I am happy just being in a relationship with him I don’t have to get married or have kids so I would get over it eventually but he is strong on the whole marriage/kids thing
I don’t have any friends who are not looking to settle down all of mine have and so I feel like I want that as well I dont want be getting married when all of my friends are celebrating 10 years marriage with kids and I’m only just getting started 🙁
Post # 2
Honestly to me it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. Setting crazy timelines like that looks like stalling and I’m sure if you did follow his timelines exactly there would always be something else he wanted to achieve before you could get engaged.
Does he want to get married? Does he want children? Maybe the fact that your timelines are completely different means that you are not compatible? I don’t think it’s worth waiting around for a man who may not even propose. He doesn’t sound like he is in a good place in his life yet and who knows how long it will be until he is there. If marriage and children are important to you then I would seriously think about this relationship and where you see it going because it sounds like it won’t end happily for you unfortunately.
Post # 3
sparklysushi : So basically the entire relationship has been long distance, and he still lives with his parents and acts like a child? Why on earth would you want to marry him, why do you think he will be able to support you and help you raise children?
You are still young, I think this relationship has run its course. Find someone in your own city who is more compatible.
Post # 4
Oh honey, no.
This sounds like a colossal waste of your twenties and possibly thirties on a loser who will never give you what you want.
I recommend shopping around for a boyfriend who is way more compatible with you without all this baggage:
-Lives at home
-Switching jobs constantly
-Demands to live with a gf for 5 years before being willing to commit
-“Lost it” when you tried to discuss your vision for the future
You will be pulling your hair out with this guy, bee. Trust me- been there and done that.
Also, one is never too old to have a wedding so get that out of your head. There is nothing wrong with being older than you expected when you get married.
Also, don’t assume that just because you take on the risk of supporting him while he tries to find himself in his career that he would do the same for you. He sounds selfish
Post # 5
While I think his overall timeline is excessive, I wouldn’t propose to someone I’ve only been long distance with either. I need to get out of the honeymoon phase and long distance relationships are usually don’t get out of that because you’re just so grateful when you are together that you dont have time to get past that.
Also, he doesn’t even sound financially stable or ready for marriage in a lot of big ways.
So what do you do? You move on.
You want different things on different timelines and don’t sound very compatible. Instead of pushing him for things he’s not ready for to fit your timeline, go find yourself a guy who already wants the things you want. He isn’t the only guy in existence. You aren’t forced to make it work with this one guy.
Post # 6
It sounds like you want totally different things, at different times and are currently leading very different lives. This doesn’t really sound like a compatible relationship. The living together for 5 years thing is bullshit. Don’t waste your best years on someone who will keep bullshitting you.
Post # 7
I’d stop waiting. He isn’t earning that level of commitment from you.
Post # 8
He’s not your man. You approach life differently and you want different things. Why would you want to tie yourself to someone who sounds so irresponsible and nowhere near ready to be an adult? Why would you be willing to give up so much to be associated with someone long distance who doesn’t seem future-oriented? You are 26. Give yourself a chance to be happy on your own or to find someone who wants what you want.
Post # 9
Ack! Why do you want to marry this man? He sounds like a loser – or at least a loser in training. Get out now and find someone worthy.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
You don’t want to marry him. I promise. Move on.
Post # 11
I read a sappy quote once that essentially explained that the people we tie ourselves to, specifically in relationships, limits what we are able to do in life. It kind of controls where you’re able to go, what you’re motivated to achieve, your experiences in life, and obviously your happiness. It dictates the friends you make and your own personal development because the person you’re with is either going to build you up, be a support system and work with you to achieve goals together, or they are going to leech off of you emotionally and financially, drag you down, and your attachment to them is going to hold you back from experiencing better things….
In this case the better thing could be developing yourself and experiencing life and achieving your goals, or it could be a (real) man who has the motivation and the perseverance to educate himself, keep a steady job and his finances under control and who has the motivation to build a life with you, because he loves you as much as he loves himself.
I think you’d be settling hard if you stayed with him.
Post # 12
Bee I think this relationship is simply going to drag you down. You’re attaching yourself to someone who not only isn’t stable but is making no effort to become so. He’s aimless and doesn’t know what he wants but wants you to stick around and support him in his aimlessness. In short, you are dating a boy not a man and a man is what you need.
You are wasting your time with this one. If he was serious about making things work, he would make it his purpose to be in a stable job and in his own place. Instead he’s dependent on you and mommy and daddy…..little Peter Pan who doesn’t want to grow up.
Post # 13
Five years living together after another two or three years long distance “to pay off debts” (assuming he holds a job long enough to actually pay) doesn’t sound reasonable to me. I was long distance with my SO for five years while I was in grad school and moved back to our home state after to live with him, and honestly I was unhappy that we were not engaged until about 15 months after the move. I was getting ready to walk after a year, so five years would not have been possible for me.
Also be warned about moving in with a guy who is coming from his parent’s house. There is a high probability that he will not do his share of household upkeep. There will be a period where you either have to be mommy or accept a lower level of cleanliness until he becomes more functional. Combining that with waiting for an engagement that’s on his terms is going to make you miserable, believe me.
Post # 14
Living 5 years? What exactly will this arbitrary number accomplish? I think living together is a big factor in getting married because living together is completely different then dating. My husband and I both decided we wanted to co habitate before getting engaged but he proposed 3 months after we moved it and he said he waited that long because he was waiting for my birthday.
The beginning part about no job and debt you know I feel like life is rough and any of us can be in that position pretty quickly if life decides to be mean to us but the whole 5 year living together, get out of here.
Post # 15
My ex bf used to tell me that we had to date for at least 5 years before he would consider proposing. Guess what? After we broke up he proposed to the next girl within a year. Do yourself a favor and move on from this. It seems like you have a lot going on for you. This guy ain’t it!