Resentful towards boyfriend because he won't propose

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

So much no.  Go enjoy your 20s instead.

Post # 32
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sparklysushi :  Too often we see these posts. The OP waxes on about how their boyfriend won’t commit, and they won’t propose, and they keep stalling and having excuses, but all that doesn’t matter, because if you actually read all the details the man isn’t worth marrying. Why would you even want to marry this guy?

Post # 33
Member
4042 posts
Honey bee

knotyet :  I can understand it, because it boils down to a fear of the unknown. These women think if they leave the boyfriend they won’t have another shot at marriage, they’ll never find someone as “good” as their current boyfriend. This is low self-esteem at work, and it’s insidious. So they stick with the loser and tell themselves that he’ll eventually propose and everything will be fine. If by some miracle he does propose it’s a pyrrhic victory at best, and everything is not fine.

There is always someone better out there if you’re unhappy in your relationship. But you have to be brave to leave, and a lot of women aren’t. So I get it.

Post # 34
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Sorry bee…I don’t know why you want this disaster man.  You’re together and debt free and a catch for someone worthy.  

Post # 35
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sunburn :  Thanks, that helps me understand a little bit more. I think it all comes down to if someone is willing to be single while they wait for the right partner. If you’re not able to be happy while single, you won’t be happy when you’re with someone, and you’ll likely settle for the wrong person. 

Post # 36
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee

These waiting posts always baffle me.  I guess when you meet the right person, everything sort of falls into place in the right way.  You date, you eventually talk about marriage and what you want in life, you get engaged and then married. I have been in this position once in my life and I just left and didn’t look back.  

I know there is still the tradition of waiting for the man to propose and the woman saying ‘yes’ before the rest of the pieces can start falling into place and moving forward.  I just find it sad that ‘we’ as woman have to put our life on hold for these reasons. There is no way in hell I would wait 5 years for a guy who still lives at home with no job to wait and see when & if he will be ready at some point in the future. I hate to say ‘don’t waste your good years’ but if you are still waiting at 35 just to get married and things don’t work out, that will be a waste.  I can only speak for myself, but the dating pool got smaller and the men I was meeting had mostly been married and divorced already.

We have evolved in so many ways but these waiting posts just kill me.  

Post # 37
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Post # 38
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

Sounds like a dream relationship… I would say leave him, but it doesn’t sound like you will do it…

also since being with me he got his first loan so he’s in a heap of debt which annoys me even more.

debt is not necessarily a red flag. Irresponsible behavior is. He has no stable job, no money, lives with his parents, you are supporting him, yet he is going into a lot of debt, which “annoys you even more”. He doesn’t really sound like a keeper. So why would you even want to go thru with it? I didn’t even see the part where you mention, you know, LOVING HIM!

 I dont want be getting married when all of my friends are celebrating 10 years marriage with kids and I’m only just getting started 🙁

Oh this mariage is all about YOU and keeping up with your friends who are getting married now! Must be hard to explain to them that you are dating a bum. So darn it, you will drag him to the altar even if it is illogical. True love!

OP, advice from strangers on the internet aside, what do you want to do? Stop counting on him to support you in 5 years because you are doing so right now. He can’t even support himself and he is accumulating debt! Leave this bum and focus on your own career now. Start at least by cutting all payments to/for him. Something tells me he will not that. 

Post # 39
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

crustyoldbee :  of course he wants to live together for 5 years. How else sould he really know that she will keep paying for his needs while he can keep going into debt for random stuff he wants? She gotta earn that commitment! I mean, how can he buy an engagement ring and plan a wedding when he has no money? Makes sense.

Post # 40
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

 

Don’t waste your youth or the genetic integrity of your future children waiting on a deadbeat. 

It’s frustrating to read these threads because I can’t relate. I never thought I wanted marriage so I was never in waiting. My friends told me, I “date like a man.” If I didn’t like the situation, I left and never looked back. It should always be the woman who makes the decision to marry IMO.

Post # 41
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

hm2012 :  Edit: But ladies DO chose wisely. Never rush into anything because everyone else is doing it! Find the one who make things better together. Don’t choose someone you hope to change or save and don’t ever fall into the fallacy of too much invested time! 

Post # 42
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Sorry but he doesn’t sound like a catch at all. He can’t keep a stable job, is in debt, still lives at home. On top of that he got upset when you don’t want to just blindly go along with his (shitty) life plan? Nope. You can do better OP. 

I learned this when I was older and wish I learned this sooner, a man, or person in general’s ability to get and hold down a job and have an actual career is a huge indication of what kind of partner and parent they will be. Your boyfriend is showing you that he is unreliable, unmotivated, and not marriage material. Not being able to find a stable career also speaks to his character on a deeper level. It means he won’t help as much with any kids you have, he won’t help with household chores as much. He doesn’t have a sense of integrity because him not being able to hold down a job is 100% a reflection of what he is doing on that job. Aka he is pulling some shady shit that is getting him fired, or making his employers not want to keep him. I can’t stress enough what a big red flag this is. And all of that bullshit is connected to how he feels about himself. How can anyone possibly feel good about themselves when they are lacking the qualities that would make them self sufficient and proud of their achievements? 

 

And you know what? Fuck him for acting like he is some grand prize that you have to chase. It sounds like your the one who has your shit together, not him. So he should be chasing you down. Realize your worth OP. 

 

sparklysushi :  

Post # 43
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

 I dont want be getting married when all of my friends are celebrating 10 years marriage with kids and I’m only just getting started 

Oh and you know what’s worse than this OP? 

Watching your friends all get married to the right person while you are getting a divorce in 10 years because your husband is a lazy unmotivated jerk and you are having to find a husband at 36… and let me tell you it’s true that the dating pool shrinks as you get older.. do not waste your 20’s and 30’s. 

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