Resenting boyfriend for not proposing

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

This happened to me in my last relationship. Two major vacations, kept telling me it would be “soon” and if I kept talking about it I would ruin the surprise.. we broke up after a lot of lies and excuses and now I’m about to be engaged to the best partner I could’ve ever dreamed of who can’t wait to marry me

Post # 3
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Its just what you said….he strung you along.  I don’t know why guys have this perverse desire to dangle the proposal carrot like this, when usually, that pretty much means they don’t want to marry you.  First its “its coming soon!” then when it doesn’t come its “you’re pressuring me!” and then after that when ask again they act like it will happen depending on YOUR behavior…..Its called stalling for time until they’re no longer comfortable in the relationship and THEN they finally tell you the truth and bail.

Bee, there’s 2 people in a relationship and yet only one is determining what happens to its future.  You resent him because you’ve allowed him all the power in this, gave him your trust that was never earned.  So now you and he need to have a come to Jesus talk about the state of your relationship.  This is about your future and if he resists or tries to blow you off, become angry and accusatory he’s giving you his answer about his commitment and willingness to marry you.  You need to know this truth bee so that you can determine YOUR future. There needs to be timelines and walk dates involved.  Most of all you need to be clear on what you want.

Post # 4
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

Talk to him calmly and dont get angry. Tell him how you feel and ask what is his plan. Youve only been together for 2 years, thats not too long. Ive been with my bf for 2.5 years and i found out he wanted to propose but was waiting because he was saving for a ring. He may have concerns or a valid reason on why it hasnt happened yet

Post # 5
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

My heart goes out to you. I can share my story, even if it won’t help your situation.

 

June 2013 (8 years together with my ex) – my sister’s wedding. My ex and I agreed it was time we got married. He didn’t seem too keep, but we’d been together for 8 years so he had enough time to think about it. He insisted that I leave it to him, he wanted to plan the ‘perfect’ engagement his way etc etc etc….oh and apparently it was coming ‘soon’!

Sept 2013 -I was very excited about the supposed upcoming engagement so I impatiently asked him how the planning was going. He got irritated and said that I should not talk about it and leave it to him, that it was ‘all in hand’, he was ‘working on it’ and it was going to happen ‘soon’. By talking about it I was apparently ruining it etc. Ok, so I said to myself I’ll let him get on with planning it and let him surprise me…

Trip abroad in October 2013 came and went, Christmas 2013 came and went. New Year’s Eve came and went, Valentine’s Day 2014 came and went, Easter 2014 came and went….all of that and no engagement. I was a little nervous as he didn’t ask about what kind of ring I wanted etc, but I trusted that it was all being looked after and I didn’t want to interrupt the process by asking questions. Then my b’day came in early June 2014 (by this point we’d been together for 9 years!) and still no engagement. I was a bit disappointed but still didn’t say anything until later that month. I chose a nice, relaxed time on one Saturday afternoon in June 2014 – which was basically a year after this whole pallaver started – and brought the issue up. Because I thought that surely, after a year, he had a lot of chances to buy the ring (money wasn’t a problem) and plan the engagement.

…I was in for a shock of my life! He looked at me and said that ‘There’s going to be no wedding’ with a light smile on his face! He had no intention to propose to me and marry me, he was just buying time to make sure that I didn’t leave him. During the whole year that I was waiting for the promised engagement he didn’t think about it for a second and just enjoyed the extra time….How could he not think that i’d ask about the engagement that he had promised? What did he think would happen? Did he think he would string me along forever and that I would never ask about the engagement for years to come? Surely, he must have known that sooner or later I’d ask about where the engagement is and his excuses about it coming ‘soon’ won’t be enough….

Either way, for me that was the end of the relationship, at least in my mind. He tried to persuade me to stay by saying that we don’t need a wedding because we had everything that married couples have (a house, committed relationship etc) and he was trying to sweet-talk me into not leaving him, but part of my resented him big time. For not wanting to marry me and especially for not having strung me along and lying to me!

I kind of tried to be OK with that for a while but eventually in May 2015 I left him. A month later I turned 32. 

It was one of the most painful lessons I’ve learnt and I’d never give anyone so much time of my life if they just promise stuff but don’t act on it. Don’t make the same mistake that I made.

 

Post # 6
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

Oh and I forgot to say: you say that you hate that all the cards are in his hands. Well, they are not – you can leave him. Don’t wait 10 years like I did.

Men are usually the gatekeepers to a committment but it doesn’t mean that women have to wait forever and a day for him to finally make up his mind. I wish I had known this years ago and I wish I had the strength to leave him earlier than 10 into the relationsip. I’ll be 35 next month and still single….

Post # 7
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

View original reply
iwannabeemarried :  If he knows he wants to marry you and become engaged, why does talking about it make him feel pressured? If this was something he 100% wanted and was excited about, I don’t believe he would have such reactions about it. At this point, he has mislead you enough times that you should have an adult conversation about it. He doesn’t hold all the cards because you are in charge of your own future. Take charge and choose a moment to talk with him about this and if he just keeps lashing out, I would seriously reconsider if I can be with someone who can’t even discuss our future. They call it “planning a life together” and I think we all want someone who is excited to be with us. It’s true that 2 years is not that long, but he’s the one who planted the engagement seed in the first place. In the process of dragging his feet, he’s kinda revealing to you that he may be having (minor or major) doubts. I really hope he will change his tune. 

Post # 8
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

This is unfortunately very common and many bees here have been hearing the same thing over and over again with no proposal. If your biological clock is ticking than you should consider whether you wish to marry a man who is unsure about his feelings quite obviously. It doesn’t take ages to propose otherwise.

Post # 9
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
londongeocity :  Your ex sounds awful. No commitment after about 10 years is unbelievable.

Post # 10
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

 

View original reply
clec :  I know. And thanks. After that relationship finished, I had another relationship with someone for 2 years, things weren’t really working and having learnt my lesson, I didn’t want to repeat the history and so left the relationship after 2 years. No regrets! I couldn’t work out why men don’t want a committment with me so I found a therapist  and went through a therapy that lasted a few months. Now, at the grand old age of almost 35, I am learning to date again, and it’s a daily job to remind myself that just because I spent 12 years of my life with morons who didn’t want to commit to me, doesn’t mean that nobody else will…

Post # 11
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
londongeocity :  Absolutely. Things just don’t work out sometimes, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you!

Fingers crossed that you meet someone wonderful who’s not a commitment phobe like your ex soon!

Post # 13
Member
2426 posts
Buzzing bee

What on EARTH constitutes a “proposal”? If a guy brings up that he wants to marry you, isn’t that YOUR CUE to response “I want to marry you too”.

What were you waiting for that wasn’t there, lights, camera, rose petals, string quartet, ring in a champagne glass?

This is SO SAD! Can’t we all stop reading glitzy magazines and LISTEN TO EACH OTHER?

It sounds as though you think your ship has sailed as far as this guy is concerned. If you DO feel this way, consider what YOU want in your next step. Is it in your best interests to remain in his pseudo marriage, listening to his “terrible choices of words”, or is it time for him to learn that since he is worried about “pressure” so are you?

He really isn’t “making” you wait is he? Does he lock you in a room at night? Do you depend upon him financially for basic necessities? Or is he just caging you emotionally? Do you see this as the kind of balance you want in your life for the next 40 or 50 years?

”Pressure” seems to be becoming the most meaningless and nonsensical word associated with engagements since the word “surprise”.

And NO, you don’t even HAVE to be engaged or need a year to plan a wedding. You need a man who is crazy about you, a license, and an appointment (sometimes not even that) at City Hall.

Post # 14
Member
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
sablescorpion22 : +10000000000

These stories really chap my ass. Your bf is the one who initiated discussion about getting engaged;  he’s the one that told you it’s coming “soon” and certainly in 2017, but now here we are five months into 2018 and the poor baby feels “pressured” because you expected him to stick to his word? he’s losing interest in proposing because…you believed him when he said he’d propose ages ago? Just no.

OP, It’s time to stop hinting around. It’s time for a come to Jesus talk. Demand that he tell you exactly what’s going on. Hold him accountable for his words. He doesn’t get to accuse you of pressuring him when he’s the one who told YOU a proposal is coming in 2017; that’s a cowardly bullshit cop-out and frankly, an insult to your intelligence.

If he’s not ready to propose, then he shouldn’t propose, but making you out to be the bad guy because you took him at his word is just so pathetic and low. As sablescorpion said, if he continues dodging the question and moaning about feeling “pressured,” then you have your answer – he’s not ready and on top of that he’s a manipulative gaslighter for making you out to be the crazy one for expecting him to do what he said he’d do. 

Also I don’t care that you’ve only been together 2 years; what I care about is that your bf broke his word to you and is now turning himself into the victim. Just pathetic!!!! 

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