Resenting boyfriend for not proposing

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

Well now youve learned that this man is all talk, no action, which is why I say that nice words don’t count, but actions do. Always. Move out ASAP. Hopefully you’re not dependent on him. Frankly with guys like this I wouldn’t even tell them I’m going, I’d just be gone one day when they come home from work. If he truly wanted to marry you, he wouldn’t be throwing the word “pressure” around. That’s the coward’s way out; he won’t come out and tell you that he doesn’t want to marry you because a)he’s a chickenshit b)he’s so used to dissembling. Staying with him is just prolonging the inevitable.

Post # 17
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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iwannabeemarried :  Honestly you’ve made this as easy as possible for him and yet he’s still coming up with excuses. All signs point to him not being emotionally ready to get engaged to you, yet too much of a coward to just come out and say that. It’s time to talk to him bee. Directly and honestly. I would say something like this:

“I need to talk to you about our future. When we’d been dating for seven months you started talking about getting engaged and told me it would happen soon. Months passed, and you assured me it would happen within 2017. We’re now nearly halfway through 2018 and you seem further away than ever from actually proposing. I am very confused. I don’t want you to propose to me if you don’t want to, but right now I feel like you’re stringing me along and that’s not fair. It’s not right that you told me it would come in 2017 and are now blaming me for pressuring you whenever I bring this up. I never want to hear the word “pressure” come out of your mouth again, because expecting someone to do what they said they’d do is not pressuring them. If anyone is pressured here it’s me; you’ve put me under pressure to keep quiet and behave like a good complacent girlfriend so I can earn a proposal from you, and that’s bullshit. This is my life too and my future too and I deserve to know what you’re really thinking, even if it hurts me. Please be honest with me and tell me now exactly what you’re thinking and what the real reason is why you haven’t proposed yet.”

And then you need to think about what you’ll do if he tells you he’s not ready to get married, or if he continues bullshitting you about “soon.” Frankly I’d be done but only you can make that decision. Never forget that this is your life too and no one is forcing you to stay with this man who won’t give you the commitment you need.

Post # 18
70 posts
Worker bee

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iwannabeemarried :  ‘…he said well that’s not how he wants to do it, he wants to do it his way and make it special.’

I wonder if all men in the world learn this at some secret school or whether their brains come automatically hard-wired with this message, but that’s exactly what my exes (both British) were saying. Especially the one I was with for a decade; that he wanted to do it HIS way. Even when I didn’t want anything fancy or huge or spectactular, according to him it was going to be HIS way and no other way, regardless of whether I would have wanted it or not. IMO this is a clear clue that the guy is not ready to propose, not soon and probably not ever. Because a guy who is interested in proposing and marrying you would make sure that you’re happy with it and would not want to have his way regardless of whether it’s your style or not.

Post # 19
1273 posts
Bumble bee

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iwannabeemarried :  I’m going to play devil’s advocate. I think you got your expectations up when you went on your first vacation hoping for a proposal (you were dating what, a year?) You said you started discussing marriage 7 months in, but were these serious discussions, like the two of you, or general discussions?  Did you discuss rings, what kind of wedding you wanted, etc…or was it more “I want to get married someday?”  Because if it was the latter, then I would not have expected or hoped for a proposal on that vacation.

Then you went on a second vacation, and it sounds like from what you said (because that’s all we can go by) you still never had serious discussions, and yet were hoping for a proposal again.

It doesn’t sound like once you two sat down and had a conversation about this.  Instead, when it didn’t happen, you kept asking him and that’s when he said 2017.  To me, that was a shut up statement, not ever meant to be a true timeline.  While he never should have said that if he wasn’t serious, maybe he did feel a bit pressured.  And as we see on other threads exactly like this, guys are pressured when there is something they do NOT want to do.

So my suggestion is to quit playing coy and sit down and talk with him.  Tell him your thoughts for your future and see how he reacts.  If you think you need a year to plan (you don’t necessarily), explain that and how you’d like to be married for a couple of years before TTC.  If he gives you any pushback, then you’re going to have to make some tough decisions.  This is your life too.

Post # 20
10631 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I see you use the words “hint” and “hinting” a lot. I think the best thing to do at this point is to sit down and say look, I want to be married. Here is my timeline of how I would like things to go, is this anywhere near what you are thinking? Then you need to ask the hard questions, like why did he string you along for a year? What caused him not to propose? 

Get all your answers and then set yourself a timeline. 

Post # 21
11339 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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iwannabeemarried :  

Bee, the I want to do it my way and I have to make it special is a line we have heard here 142,237 times just since 2010.  Don’t fall for it.  It’s complete bs.  

As the others have said, stop hinting, stop joking and have a direct, adult conversation.  If you want to marry this guy, having a serious discussion about your shared future should be perfectly normal and natural. Don’t let him infantilize you with the obnoxious crap about how if you misbehave (ask him about proposing), he will have to punish you (not propose).  We’ve heard this one plenty of times before, too, Bee.

Your bf is pulling out all the stops to avoid any discussion of marriage.  Give him one opportunity to come clean and then, when you don’t get a straight answer, be done with him.  If he had a legit reason for not being ready, he should have shared that by now and not just kept stringing you along.

Tbh, Bee, he sounds like a jerk.  He’s certainly not an original thinker.  They’re all signin’ from the same hymnal.

Post # 22
9935 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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londongeocity :  

” I wonder if all men in the world learn this at some secret school or whether their brains come automatically hard-wired with this message, but that’s exactly what my exes (both British) were saying.”

Just wanted to say being English/British has nothing to do with it . Most of the  guys on these boards who feel ‘pressured’ and ‘nagged’ and all that bs are American, but I don’t think anyone ever suggested it  was an  American trait  or found the need to add it in parentheses . Just sayin’   

Post # 23
130 posts
Blushing bee

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iwannabeemarried :  I am in a similar situation and can totally relate. I would start looking for a new place to live and tell him you are moving out. 

Edited to add: Then he will know you are serious about wanting to take the next step and willing to walk if he doesn’t propose.

Post # 24
651 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like me and my SO are the same age… and almost two years together. I have learned beach trips don’t mean much haha. I have went on a ton with him in almost two years. Went to many nice places for a proposal… but I didn’t really expect one because we had not been together but a year (4 beach trips under our belt and cabin trip by then).

I think it is time for a good sit down conversation on timelines. I would just tell him that you are sorry if he feels pressured… you just get excited about marrying him because x,y,z. And that you just want a clarified timeline. I have told my SO that there is nothing wrong with checking in making sure he “has a plan”.

But I don’t think he is stringing you along but most likely in the midst of shopping around and planning. I get tired of waiting but not even been two years and I know ladies that waited 10 years so… Only difference is we are on the fast track. Proposal, married, and hopefully pregnant all within a year. Worth the wait. 

Post # 25
235 posts
Helper bee

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londongeocity :  Wow, that’s a sad story.. Hope one day you will meet the right guy for you. 

Your story reminded me of my friend’s story. She was with the guy for 7 years. When they started dating she was 24 and he he was 34. Fast forward to 5 years into relationship and they are living together, she is working in his small business helping him. Now she wants marriage and family. They had a conversation, he said he was not ready yet but see it in the nearest future and business requires a lot of attention. Me and her spent  lot of time over a bottle of wine discussing it. 

One more year passed by and they started fighting, because nothing was changing. Yet he gave her another reason to delay marriage – they fight a lot and he is scared that marriage will cause more fighting and he thinks they need to work a little on their relationship and it will happen. 

Another year passes by, they are 7 years into relationship. She got so tired of everything and says he either steps forward and fully commits or she leaves. Finally she hears that he thinks marriage is just a piece of paper, he got divorced when he was young and now he wants to be careful, many people just live together and happy and whole line of bullsh$t excuses men provide. Ah and he said he does not want to have more kids. ( he had 1 child from previous marriage).

She was devastated. She spent 7 years with the guy who never wanted to be fully committed to her. She was 30 and single. She had to move out but kept working for him because by the end of their relationship she was a partner in his small business. Within the first hardest 3 months of breakup, she saw that he was courting her assistant. Flowers to office, leaving office together etc. She had to learn an awful truth that girl was already pregnant. She had to leave his company and move out of the city. 

Now she is happily engaged to a guy who was ready to marry her after 1 year of dating and has never made her false promises. 

Post # 26
50 posts
Worker bee

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allenb :  So the ex was cheating all along?

What a disgusting man!

Post # 27
235 posts
Helper bee

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sarah156 :  Yes, the last year of their relationship he was cheating on her with her assistant. Yet he had guts telling her “We fight too much that delays proposal!” 

Post # 29
7 posts
  • Wedding: June 2019

I am engaged to my partner of almost 9 years. 

It took him 8.5 years to propose to me. 

We have lived together for 6 years. 

I had the exact same issue. Begging him to propose, what was the hold up? Did he not love me enough? Was I not good enough? We had fight after fight about it. It was ripping me apart seeing people I know get married that had only been together a short time. And you know what, he eventually proposed. The reason why it took him so long was because he constantly felt like there was a better time. We always needed to be “more financially stable” he always wanted to “give me the ring of my dreams” etc… But then he realized what makes me happy is HIM not the ring and being his wife was the next step and I wasn’t taking no for an answer anymore. 

So after 8.5 years he proposed, gave me the ring of my dreams and we haven’t had a fight since. I think you haven’t been with your partner as long so give it some time. But also you need to have a realistic conversation about it with him and make him understand why it is never the right time its just the right person. 

Post # 30
2245 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

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iwannabeemarried :  Have you talked to your SO yet? How did everything go?

Just to give you some perspective, I, too was growing resentful with my SO about him not proposing yet. Basically, we met and we each kinda figured out that this was the one about 2-3 months in. He asked me to move in at 5 months and I literally laughed in his face because I thought he was joking. So he asked again at 9mos, 11mos, and 12mos! I told him after the second time that he asked that I  wanted to be engaged first. He agreed, but really didn’t make any moves towards that, no ring shopping no asking my dad, etc. At the beginning of the year we were doing our calendars and I asked “when am I moving in?” He said “now!” and I was like, when are you going to propose? 3-6monts was the answer I got.  Then, unfortunately, I had to move out of my apartment, because the owner of the building wanted to sell it. At first, I was going to move in with a friend until he proposed. But the more I thought about it the  more of a pain in the ass I thought that would be. Besides, my SO and I knew we were going to get engaged and move in anyway. He told me at the beginning of the year that we would be engaged in 3-6 months. and I moved in 4 months into that timeline. I thought for sure it was coming before I moved in since I had stated how uncomfortable I was but it didn’t. Then it didn’t come after either. I was bitter, resentful, upset all the time and really stressed. I thought moving in was a mistake and I was ready to move out. I was scouting apartments in case the proposal didn’t come in the “3-6mo” window as time was running out. Before I took the nuclear option, I posted on one of these boards. And I was encouraged to sit down and have a frank talk with him about timelines. I did and I had no idea why I was immediately considering the nuclear option – moving out, ending the relationship – when the talk went so well! I asked him when he saw us getting married – not just engaged, as we have talked a lot about getting married and what kind of wedding we want to have. He said “next year”. I was like I need you to tell me a month, or at least a season! He was thinking fall, I was thinking more like spring. I walked him through the timeline to plan everything, even the ring. I told him that we weren’t going to walk into a jewelers and walk out with a ring, that it can take 6-8 weeks to even get one. He had no idea. He immediately made an appointment with his jeweler and we went less than a week later! That was a week ago and we are still looking for the center stone of the ring (ice blue sapphire)! We were actually on a trip last weekend and 3 times he was like “I really wish I had that ring right now! This would be the perfect place to propose!” It took everything I had not to say “THIS IS WHY WE PLAN THINGS!” laughing

Anyway, I really agree with the PP that you need to sit down and have the come to Jesus talk and see how he handles it. If he acts like this is a pressure talk or won’t nail anything down, you really need to reconsider this. State your timeline rationally, don’t get over emotional and just say “I want to be married by X date. To do that we need to start the planning process by X date (engagement) which means we should go look for rings now” Good luck and let us know how it goes! 

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