Resenting boyfriend for not proposing

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee, I know this sucks so much, but you need a reality check. He does not want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, he wouldn’t change his mind because you asked him about it. 

It’s great that “everything else” in your relationship is so peachy, but this is the thing that matters most and that everything else hinges on, and it’s a shit show. Don’t minimize that. The only person you’re hurting by dragging this out any longer is yourself. There’s a famous quote: don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, and on top of that, he sounds like a major asshole. DTMFA.

Post # 33
Member
2673 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
iwannabeemarried :  The thing is – you’re not ‘pressuring’ him. He is the one that brought it up, he is the one that set the timeline, and he is the one that flaked and didn’t follow through. He lied to you and went back on a promise and he’s complaining because you expected him to keep his word? And the only reason he gives you that he’s been delaying for two years is that he feels ‘pressured’ and wants it to be ‘his idea’? 

It already was his idea, and even if it weren’t – a marriage is about both of you, why should he have all of the say in it, even to the point where you aren’t even allowed to speak about it? And feeling “pressured’ is a bullshit excuse. If it was something he wanted to do it wouldn’t feel like pressure. 

You should be setting a walk date, bee. 

Post # 34
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Agreeing with PP bee.  His refusal to even have a discussion pretty much says it all.  He’s just trying to shut you up and keep you with him for as long as possible at this point.  You’re just putting off the inevitable bee.  I hope you’ve got an escape plan at the ready.

And yeah, he’s an ass!

Post # 35
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

Hi iwannabemarried, I just wanted to say I am basically in the same boat as you (except I’m already 33…ugh) and I understand your reasoning for staying and don’t think it’s hopeless. I don’t think our boyfriends necessarily *lied* about wanting to marry us so early I on, I just think that they can get caught up in that honeymoon phase and then sh*t gets real. That is basically what my boyfriend told me, while still insisting that he knows he wants to spend the rest of our lives together. He asked my ring size in January and I know for a fact he told friends and family he was going to marry me, and also looked at rings, but then we got into some arguments and it freaked him out apparently. I know how hard it is when you feel like you can’t control your life. Just last night my boyfriend happily said, “lets plan our next trip for December/January. I was thinking 2 weeks in Thailand.” And my first thought was, I can’t take a two week vacation AND go on a honeymoon! I thought we were going to have a destination wedding next year, between Feb-April…So that convo did not end well and now I am upset too. Anyways. Hang in there!!!  Every relationship is different, and while a lot of women on these boards have been really strung along, there are many others who post “he FINALLY proposed!” and they are still happy. I’m pulling for you!

Post # 36
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee

No woman should have to beg a man to marry her.  I see it so often as PP has said…

1. Infatuation stage.

2. Moving in together making plans down the line to get married.

3. Delaying proposal until he says it’s ” the right time”

4.  ” Soon” he says. Woman can’t propose as he wants to be traditional. ( Really? In what other aspects of daily life is he “traditional”?)So woman waits and waits….

5. She starts pushing and he can’t handle it and gets angry and withdraws and he says “It’s not going to happen if you keep behaving like this….”

6. More time goes by ( years in some cases). He now says “I can’t marry now as”- fill in the blank e.g. Need more money, friend getting married, family trouble, waiting for a promotion, blah blah blah friggin’ blah…

7. Woman comes to her senses and sees what is in front of her and leaves.

It is so sad and I feel so bad for all these ladies in this position. I really do. When the heart is involved we put on blinkers it seems. It is so much worse when children are involved.

Post # 37
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

As someone who has been in a relationship for 9 years and who waited 8.5 years to be proposed to, I think a comment about being proposed to be being the “thing that matters most” is so insensitive. Of course it is so important to finally have your moment, heck waiting for mine drove me crazy, however, what matters most is that you love each other and that you know one day you will be a wifey. A piece of paper isn’t everything you know! At the end of the day do what will help you sleep at night longterm!

 

Post # 38
Member
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@bunnybee…If you think i’m talking about the proposal or one “moment” being the thing that matters most then you totally misunderstood my comment. It’s not about the proposal or one moment…it’s about both partners being equally committed to one another, and yes I do believe that matters more than anything else. If it didn’t matter that much, OP would not be upset about this. If marriage was “just a piece of paper,” her bf wouldn’t be refusing to give her the piece of paper. Why would he put her through this and bring so much tension into the relationship over a piece of paper that allegedly doesn’t matter? Hint: because it does matter and he knows it matters, and he’s not ready to give her the level of commitment that the “paper” represents.

Worse than that, he’s not even able to be honest with her. Instead of telling her the truth – that he’s not ready to take this step yet – he’s making her out to be the bad guy for “pressuring” him and he’s implying that she’s like a naughty child who has to behave better if she wants the “reward” of him marrying her. That’s what makes him an asshole.

Post # 39
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
iwannabeemarried :  fights or not, you’re not going to marry him because he doesn’t want to… I’m sorry.

View original reply
desiderata :  agree, very sad…

Post # 40
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Nobody feels pressure to do something they want to do.  So he doesn’t want to marry you.  You’re hoping he changes his mind?  

Have you ever broken up with someone, then they thought they could change your mind?  You didn’t change your mind. He’s not going to change his mind.  You’re not going to make some fantastic meal and be super girlfriend and all of a sudden he thinks Man I can’t live without her, I’m marrying her!

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.  You want something he does not. Don’t waste any more time.  He’s already made his decision. Make yours. 

Post # 41
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Bee even my boyfriend that used to be really ambivilent about marriage would aways talk about it.  No fights, no judgement, no shutting down.  We were always respectful and always worked to together at finding a solution that worked for both of us. Please don’t wait through another six months of anguish for this guy to step up.  

Post # 42
Member
5242 posts
Bee Keeper

AMAZING boyfriends don’t act like this. Shitty boyfriends who won’t ever propose do. 

 

Post # 43
Member
5242 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
bunnybee55 :  You say that waiting drove you crazy, I’m sure it did. But I really have to question the wisdom of marrying someone who was willing to see you be that upset and do nothing about it for YEARS.

And let’s face it: it’s not just a “piece of paper”. 

Post # 44
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

View original reply
sunburn :  100%

Post # 45
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

@sunburn, of course waiting for years drove me crazy but you know what life happens. I’m marrying my high school sweetheart, a guy who worked his butt off to put me through university, who moved again and again for my career. Who didn’t propose because he always wanted to be able to give me more. We don’t know OP’s entire story and I think telling her her BF is trash is not okay, maybe he is right for her maybe he isn’t but she needs to have a chat with him and get to the root of an issue. And yes for me marriage will not change a single thing in our relationship we have lived together for 6 years, shared bank accounts and filed taxes together for all of those 6 years. Being his official wife is just a formality at this point and an opprotunity for us to have a big party with our friends and family. 

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