Resenting boyfriend for not proposing

posted 11 months ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Also FYI just playing devil’s advocate….. all the comments on this thread are the same. And having been there recently I feel my advice is vaild but perhaps my situations is much different. Just another point of view. 

 

Post # 47
Member
7399 posts
Busy Beekeeper

bunnybee55 : We don’t know OP’s entire story and I think telling her her Boyfriend or Best Friend is trash is not okay, maybe he is right for her maybe he isn’t but she needs to have a chat with him and get to the root of an issue.

Have you read through this thread? She has tried chatting with him numerous times – to the point that he now tells her he doesn’t want to do it because she’s talking about it too much. This is after HE initially brought up the subject of marriage 7 months into the relationship and said he wanted to marry her. 

I do think he’s trash. I think this is a trash way to treat someone you love. I can tell this is a sensitive issue for you because you also were driven “crazy” waiting for your boyfriend to be on the same page as you re-marriage, but bee, the fact that all the answers in this thread are the same doesn’t make them invalid.

Post # 48
Member
9695 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

iwannabeemarried :  

Bee, this is ridiculous.  Why are you putting up with being treated this way?

He won’t let you talk about your own future.  He’s blackmailing you into silence with the threat of never proposing at all if he hears another peep out of you about marriage.

And you are quietly stuffing your feelings, hoping he will have a magic lightbulb moment and cowboy up because Mr Macho will feel like it’s his idea.

Marriage is supposed to be a joint decision between two grownups, Bee.

Post # 49
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

iwannabeemarried :  “This is just one thing we can’t agree on and hopefully once we do get engaged….”

One problem, as you said, he doesn’t want to do it, so…..

Post # 50
Member
2545 posts
Sugar bee

If you’ve been together since HS it’s totally understandable that you would be waiting longer than most due to your young age. The OP is in a different situation.

I’m fine with opposing views, I’m hardly a keyboard warrior. I’m glad things worked well for you and that you’re happy.

Post # 51
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

Oh my…. I am in the exact same situation: been with the guy for 3 years, was expecting him to propose on my BD. He missed every single amazing opportunity (we had plenty this summer and last year). My bf is 7 years older than me, I am 27. We are both doing good financially, have pets and have been living together for nearly 2 years. He has been vary family-oriented and mature from the get-go (I only warmed up to that idea 6 months into our relationship but now I am obsessed!!!) He likes talking about weddings, kids…etc…He always said it’s his end goal. He knows I LOVE him and want to marry him and all that. I am not sure what’s happening cuz he knows I want a very special proposal (he wants it to be special too) but nothing has come up….I CAN’T bring this up, how do you girls do this? I’d rather die. I can talk to him about everything but NOT THIS 🙁 Some people in my circle, especially at my work place started commenting on that …..so it makes it really hard for me. I am a very emotional person, not thick-skinned at all, things like these get to me ……

Post # 52
Member
19 posts
Newbee

sablescorpion22 :  THIS! Wow this one struck me to the core! You nailed my situation right on the head! Thank you thank you for being totally frank. 

Post # 53
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

He’s late on the end date that he set for himself by almost a year. Good communication doesn’t work like this. There should be no off limits conversations between you and your partner. You want to wait till the end of the year? Ok but then Jan 1 you should be revving yourself up for a break up if there isn’t a ring on your finger. I’ve never been in your situation but I’ve had plenty of friends who have, not one of them got married to that guy. You clearly just want different things and that’s ok but you should pursue a serious relationship if he’s not going to give it to you.

Post # 54
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

desiderata :  I like this but I think it depends on the case scenario. I have friends who have been pusing their guy since day one. They tried taking them ring-shopping, always were the ones who talk about marriage and babies, make a lot of remarks about their future wedding and what they want. Some of them gave strict deadlines to their SOs which sounded like ultimatums but not many people see this backstage action. All you see is either a happy girl with the shiny ring at the end of it or a broken relationship – most likely) One of my friends got married all of a sudden, later she told me – she had an ultimatum – either he gets her a ring or she moves out (and she was the main bread winner) so he got her a ring….Not my kind of dream scenario…

There are also cases where a guy is willing to marry but the girl wasn’t ready first and he waited, there could be work related and financial reasons that are stopping him from doing it right there and then

In my case I was never pushing towars marriage and he would also bring it up. (Why do guys do this if they don’t want to marry?? It would make sense to avoid the subject? )I said to him that I don’t want to marry 2 years into a relaitonship (some other reasons) but that I would really want to marry him after a 3 year mark. 

 

Post # 55
Member
9695 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

vanessa9090 :  

Some guys are just picture painters. They paint lovely images of the future, complete with wife and kiddos. He thinks you like it. 

Unfortunately, women tend to read way too much into it. If you try to get him to be more specific, the best you’ll get is a faraway “someday”.

Post # 56
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

sassy411 :  My new policy going forward is to not listen to whatever bullcrap guys try to sling my way. Watch their actions only. I’ll only entertain marriage when the ring is brought out otherwise it’s just daydreaming.

Post # 57
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee

phillygirl93 :  100%

My rule with Dh when we were just dating, but discussing getting engaged: No picture-painting. 

I refused to give any man the power to paint my future for me before he’d taken action to CREATE a future with me.

I told him – once we’re engaged, we can picture-paint to your heart’s desire. Until then, I’m not going to get caught up in words and lose my power over my own thoughts.

Post # 58
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

duchessgummybunns :  Ex-SO LOVED to dream big about our children and our house and our pets.  Ex-SO also never proposed and used the proposal as a “good behavior” carrot. So those words and that daydreaming didn’t mean shit. However I let it sustain me for a good 2 years on hopium. Because he wouldn’t talk about it if he didn’t want it right???

I’m borrowing that phrasing/that rule if that’s ok. That’s a really good way to lay out boundaries.

Post # 60
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

My gf’s bf never spoke about marriage, never really wanted to get married, she is waiting till December, then she decided to propose herself (4 years together, apart from that they have a great relationship in her eyes)

My SO constantly talks about future plans, works towards them (I see results), never lied or dissapointed me (I am extremely hard to please lol and he likes it) but still not engaged either (together 3 years)

Some bees here give the same advice to people who have completely different situations. I would dig deeper to find out why some are not prosping. It could be not yet or never

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