Post # 1
Ladies, I’m SO upset. I’ll try to start at the beggining. There were a few things Darling Husband and I knew about each other from even the very earliest conversations we’ve had about having/raising children. For example, he knows I’m a big drinker and told me he would not tolerate me having even one drop of alcohol while pregnant, and he didn’t care what any research said about 1 glass of wine every couple of weeks being fine. Okay, DONE. I have respected that and not touched the stuff ONCE since finding out I was PG. I on the other hand said I would not breastfeed our child. I am well aware of all the research outlining the benefits of breastmilk over formula, so please please please refrain from any preaching about that. Anyway, the last thing I was expecting at 18.5 weeks pregnant yesterday was to hear from my Darling Husband that he really thinks I should breastfeed. In spite of the fact I was IMMEDIATELY annoyed by the question and his lack of respect for something he KNEW I did not want to do, I did re-iterate my reasons for not wanting to Boyfriend or Best Friend.
- Before becoming PG I was on several medications for severe migraines and very bad stomach ulcers that I had to give up. I am on a temporary migraine medicine that is not as good but slightly better for the baby, but am pretty much in constant pain. My acid reflux is also back so I know my ulcers are being worsened. I was supposed to be on that medication strictly FOR LIFE, so I put myself at risk every day that I don’t take it. I want/NEED/DESERVE to go back on my regular medications daily. Giving them up has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
- I miss drinking, I miss exercising, which I realize I can still do, but running with leaky breasts just doesn’t appeal to me.
- I have a job where, while it’s usually on on weekends, there is NO way for me to pump. I’m a wedding photographer and everything is so fast-paced you can NOT get away in the middle of a 10 hour wedding to even pee let alone pump. Wedding photographers do not have “employers” so they cannot benefit from the laws that force other stubborn employers to enable them to Boyfriend or Best Friend at work if necessary.
- I am literally repulsed by the idea of Boyfriend or Best Friend (once again please don’t preach) I have read this is quite comment, but the idea of sticking my breast in a baby’s mouth, or even feeding them that murky substance that comes out of my private parts really grosses me out.
- I’ve watched BOTH of my sisters attempt to Boyfriend or Best Friend and it’s been the biggest factor in making them both extrememly miserable. My one sister cried for six freaking months as her baby chewed her nipples to bloody raisins to the point she couldn’t even wear most shirts and her husband STILL would not permit her to stop doing it. I refuse to be THAT controlled by my Darling Husband.
Sorry this has gotten kind of long, but I think most of the bees on here are aware that I HATE being pregnant, and have counted down the days to FINALLY having that done… I don’t need to sign on for another month of being miserable bc my Darling Husband is being a dictactor and showing a complete lack of respect for something I’ve said from Day ONE that I didn’t want to do. On top of that I know I’ll resent him for forcing me into Boyfriend or Best Friend every four hours that I have to whip out that pump and it’s going to cause A LOT of future arguments and stress on our marriage. He’s gone so far as to say things like “I know you said you didn’t want to do it, but I was hoping when it came time you’d change your mind, but I guess you don’t care about what’s best for our baby” “I don’t want a defective kid because you want to be selfish” and the kicker “I’ve never asked anything of you (bull-poop!) this is the least you can do for me.” Ugh, we fought all day yesterday – SO ready to cry today. Anyone else going through something similar with their DH? I would also be interested in any great articles on how close to breastmilk formula has gotten, since he apparently thinks not breastfeeding will definitely make our kid a sickly litte defect.
Post # 3
@PandasWifey: whilst I dont see eye to eye with you on some of the personal reasons, I can completely understand why you would not want to due to the medications you need to take. In fact, you didnt even need to list the other reasons, that one alone is enough for most people to understand that its not an option for you.
If it is a danger to your health not to take the meds and taking the meds is bad for your baby… I dont think there is really a question here. Whilst I dont agree with not breastfeeding if you are physically able to, if there is a medical reason for it, I am supportive
EDIT – I would probably refrain from listing the other reasons when arguing for not doing it as it does look pretty selfish (as if you get down to the bare basics, you are putting yourself before your baby. Dont mean to offend but many people will see it that way). The medical issue, yep great, its a completely justifiable reason. But your husband and other people around you will probably not be open to the other reasons.
Post # 4
I am decidedly in the “your body, your way” camp. I don’t know if I’ll breastfeed or not when we have a child, but it’ll be a decision made by both of us, in the interests of what’s best for all three of us. If I resented breastfeeding or would be miserable doing it, or just plain didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t. Full stop.
Plenty of children have been formula-fed and are fine (my wonderful half-siblings included in that). Plenty of children have been breastfed… and are fine (myself included in that). Do what is best for you and your family. I have to imagine a happy formula-feeding mother is a better one than a miserable breast-feeding one.
Post # 5
@Bears-bub: Thank you so much for your comment. It was very encouraging to hear from a pro-breastfeeder, especially one who was even slightly offended by my post. I removed the offensive comment. Please understand that’s not how I see women who Boyfriend or Best Friend in general. I have the utmost respect for them for having the strength to do what’s best for their babies, but I feel like you see the whole thing differently when you’re being FORCED into, versus openly wanting to do it.
Post # 6
I’m sorry Panda. You’ve had a rough go of this pregnancy. I remember you having to go to the hospital for your migraines in the beginning…is he just ignoring the damaging physical effects not taking your migraine medication is causing you?
Post # 7
I’m so sorry you’re upset! I would be too. Your husband should understand that you NEED to take your medication. Any rational person would understand that not everyone can breastfeed, and you fall into that category for sure. Could you maybe have your Dr talk to him about it? It’s a shame that he thinks he gets to push you now on this issue – it’s really not fair of him at all.
I was a mostly formula-fed baby, and I turned out just fine. Your baby will too.
Post # 8
In reading your post, I’m not really sure that breastfeeding is the true problem here. It seems that the real problem is that your whole pregnancy has taken on a “you vs. him” persona. Neither one of you should be dictating any “rules” towards eachother. It should be an ongoing conversation with discussions, education, and compromise. You seem to hold a lot of resentment towards him and what you had to give up in order to have your baby, and that is not healthy for either of you or for the baby. I think you may benefit from some counseling so that you can both get back on the same page and realize that you are building a family together and working towards a common goal, not against eachother.
ETA: For the record, I completely understand/agree with you regarding your feelings of breastfeeding. I have the same aversions and the only thing that is even slightly making me reconsider trying to Boyfriend or Best Friend is that I’ve been told it helps you loose the baby weight 🙂
Post # 9
@PandasWifey: I removed the reference to the comment in my inital post. I know you didnt mean offence, but I can see how others could.
I am glad you didnt take offence as it was not intended, just an observation :). Good luck with hubby, fingers crossed the two of you can come to an agreement on the situation.
One a side note, have you considered donated breast milk? Even if its just for the first few months? It might keep hubby happy
Post # 10
This sounds like a terrible situation, I’m so sorry that your husband is putting you through this! Can you have him come to an appt with you and your ob where your ob asks him to lay off because it’s causing you stress, which isn’t good for the baby, or the ob can tell him bf is ok? He needs to hear this from a professional since hearing it from you isn’t working.
Post # 11
@Mrs Sarah McK: Ugh, it’s nice to hear from someone who is familiar with everything I’ve gone through so far, and all the sacrifices I’ve already made. I feel like at this point sacrificing even one more thing is sacrificing my own happiness, I’m already in the midst of spiraling into a pretty deep depression and it’s just like you said “how can he not care about that?” It almost feels like he doesn’t care about me.
@imimbles: I too was forumal fed, as were all three of my brothers and sisters and we’re all just fine thank you (DH). I graduated summa cum laude from an ivy league university, so I’m no dummy either. On the other hand, my 4 nieces and nephews were all Boyfriend or Best Friend and they all have severe allergies and get sick with infections all of the time. So then Darling Husband uses me as an example, “well you do get migraines…” REALLY?! You’re going to blame that on not being Boyfriend or Best Friend now? It’s so unfair that my Darling Husband never has any medical issues and his mother bore and Boyfriend or Best Friend SEVEN “PERFECT” little children. Sorry, but I wasn’t raised that way, and my family are not pefect, I just want to scream, “don’t impose the standards of your perfect mother on me!” He knew I was nothing like her when he married me.
Post # 12
I hear where you’re coming from although I completely disagree. As for him telling you that you have to give up alcohol… I think that’s kind of a no brainer, so I wouldn’t really consider it a “fair trade” for you not breast feeding. Can you compromise and agree to try it for 1 week or 2 after the baby is born? Or maybe even just during your maternity leave from work? Lactation consultants can be really great about helping you position the baby so that you aren’t in pain and so that it is as efficient as possible. The pain your sister experienced isn’t considered normal by the articles I’ve read/people I’ve talked to/professionals I’ve asked. As for the baby sticking your boob in its mouth…I’m sure you’re going to encounter much grosser things. Although it’s “your body” its his child and the benefits of breast feeding even a little while are pretty incredible. I can see why he’s pushing you to at least consider/try it.
As for the medication, if you were going to put your life at risk (or be completely miserable) you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant and adopted instead… at this point you need to do what’s best for the baby. Please consider calling your doctor and seeing if there are any alternative medications or if prenatal massage or acupuncture could be considered. Prenatal yoga is also supposed to do wonders (it’s not offered in my area).
I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but becoming pregnant/growing a child has to be an unselfish act. I do think that you can find some compromise– maybe if you try breastfeeding for the first two weeks he changes all of the diapers. DH has already volunteered to do that when our little one comes since I will spend a significant amount of time breastfeeding. I’m 19 weeks.
Post # 13
@PandasWifey: I don’t agree with some of the things you wrote (I am not a dairy cow–um, but like a dairy cow, you are a mammal, that’s technically what boobies were made for). But you should not be judged if you’re NOT breastfeeding. Not everyone wants to and not everyone can. I’m sorry your husband is doing this–even though he knew how you felt.
It’s YOUR body. Your Darling Husband can’t force you to breastfeed your child and I guess I don’t understand how your sister’s husband would not permit her to stop. I agree with @Bears-bub: that your first reason is reason enough not to breastfeed, so that you can get back to being completely healthy–you’ll have too much to deal with once the baby is here to deal with those migraines. You don’t need anymore reasons, stand your ground. I guess you’ll have to do a little research to find articles that support formula, but I think you should sit down with your Darling Husband in neutral territory (not your home), just the two of you, and have an open and honest talk about this.
I don’t have any great articles because I’m planning on breastfeeding, but BFing was completely my choice, and plenty of people, like myself, were formula fed and were healthy kids and are healthy adults.
Post # 14
I agree with the previous post. Even as a person who is very pro-breastfeeding (especially if it is for superficial reasons) I think your health issues effectively nullify the need to Boyfriend or Best Friend. baby needs to have the best chance to be healthy, but so does mommy!
Post # 15
@PandasWifey: I would most certainly speak with your doctor and try to get some “ammunition” in your arguement relating to the medical side-effects that you would experience because of not taking your medication after the birth. I agree with PP’s that using the discontinuance of alcohol and the “ickyness” factor of BFing may not be as convincing an argument when discussing it with Darling Husband.
That being said, I think that the bigger issue is that you and Darling Husband aren’t DISCUSSING these decisions. Maybe the post is coming across one sided because it’s coming from your point of view, but I would be concerned if my husband was TELLING me how we’re going to raise our child as opposed to expressing his views and being open to hearing mine. I think that counselling before baby comes sounds like a must- the pressure and stress won’t be any less when the LO is here.
Good luck- while I am a big Boyfriend or Best Friend proponent (child of a lactation consultant!) I think that every woman should do what she is comfortable with and should never feel pressured otherwise!
EDIT- if he thinks that your OB is a quack, ask him to choose a medical professional of his choice- I doubt that any MD will tell you to stay off necessary medication only for the purpose of BFing, espcially with the added stress it causes.
Post # 16
@redheadem: HAHA SO funny that you mention this. I suggested that and now suddenly Darling Husband decided that my OB is a quack (because he knows she’ll agree I should go back on my medications or shouldn’t Boyfriend or Best Friend on the medications… I’m already taking more than I’m comfortable with).
@Bears-bub: No way he’ll pay for donated breastmilk, he is a control freak about money, and I seriously wonder how much of this is him just not wanting to pay for formula. If I start thinking about that, I get even more angry, so I try to push it out of my mind.