(Closed) Resenting FI b/c of type of wedding I did not want

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I started out feeling this way – he wanted a big wedding, going all out – I wanted a simple, backyard ceremony with family and close friends.  Once we started really getting into the planning, I started to get really excited and now I’m really loving it.

BUT, I do feel the same way about the money. It has caused more than a few fights recently, and we normally don’t argue about money (or anything) at all.  He wants to go all out but he doesn’t realize how much money that equates to.  OR if we’re agreeing we’re going to go all out, then we both need to save a certain amount so that it’s paid in full – I refuse to have credit card debt over a wedding.

Are there things you can cut back on?  Still have the all-out wedding but have less flowers or a minimized meal or provide less of the alcohol?  I’m DIY’ing a lot of things to save us money and hopefully can recoup some funds when I sell them after our wedding.

Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This has been a small problem between my Fiance & I; I wanted to elope and begged and pleaded but it was really important to him for his family to be there. So now we’re having a small wedding (75 guests) and another separate event for his large family (casual get-together to include everyone). Even though it’s a smaller wedding, it’s still all the details and I’m still the one stressed about it, so yes, I’ve definitely felt resentful at times.

I think the fact that he’s been very involved has helped; even though I’ve done the brunt of the work, he’s been with me and willing to help every step of the way. The other thing that helped is that I flat out told him it’s a ton of work and that a little, “I really appreciate all of the work you’re doing,” every now and then will be vital to my sanity for the next 4 months.

Also, being open about all the costs that can spring up helped my anxiety too. Getting him on board with not being able to go grab a beer whenever he wants with his buddies and him being as dedicated to saving money for the wedding as I am helped as well. It made me feel more like we were in this together as opposed to me being on my own.

*hugs* Don’t know if any of that will help, but I hope so – good luck!

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Unfortunately at this point you’ve already agreed to have this wedding, so there’s no use in sulking about the money you’re spending. I do agree, it’s a huge waste of money but it’s also important to him so compromise is key. Is there any way to meet in the middle on the rest of the spending/more DIY/getting help from family? It might help to schedule a sit-down with a financial advisor who can sort of guide your overall spending and budget and get it back on track. That might make you feel better and motivate him to reign it in a little.

Post # 6
Member
572 posts
Busy bee

My Fiance is the one who wanted the large celebration. I was very concerned about the money but we simply agreed on who would pay for what. Literally. He is paying for most of  the reception. His guest list is much larger than mine.

Don’t think of it as a waste. That will promote negative feelings. Remember that this is a celebration of yoour love and new beginning. Yes, after I began the planning, I am becomming more and more excited. I am more fuled by his excitement. To know that my Fiance is really looking forward to our wedding and I was able to “give” him the wedding of his dreams makes it worth it.

Post # 7
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Can you scale anything back at this point? I know some things you probably can’t, but maybe there are some areas where you can reassess and spend a little less.

Big hugs to you. I would feel the same way if I were in your position, but no use chucking away the money you put down for deposits. I would really look into finding out where you can scale things back. Sometimes vendors can be very accommodating, especially if they think they are going to lose your business completely.

Post # 8
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I find it interesting how many girls here wanted the small wedding while the Fiance wanted a fancy one!

I am also in the same shoes. my family is all for backyard weddings, and his family is all about being fancy. but I’m ok with it — I’m fortunate because he’s footing the bill. I’m not thrilled about all the work I have to do, but I am getting excited for how fun it will be!

I agree with what KatyElle has to say– you have already agreed to it, no use in getting resentful. may as well enjoy your big party!

Post # 9
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I completely know how you feel.  Am I still resentful at times??Yes, but I love him sooo much and he gives so much of himself to our family that now I just feel like he deserves it.  The big party is for him and I have come to terms with it.  I hope you will to and start to enjoy the planning ( I sure have).

Post # 10
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I wanted a simple backyard wedding/reception, but my mom (the person who’s paying for it) vetoed the idea.  It’s costing her several thousand and me the wedding I want (I want light drinks, good music, and a place where people could DO something, like walk around or roast a marshmallow, if they got bored.  I still have the good music, but that’s it.)

I completely understand.  It makes me want to cry when I think of my wedding.  Spending SO much money, being told it’s YOUR day when the decisions that actually matter to you are being made by others, knowing this is the biggest celebration you’ll ever have and it not feeling like a celebration at all…  But.  It’s NOT your day.  It’s your family’s day.  Try to see it through others’ eyes as you plan.  It’ll get better, trust me.  (I’ve got fun/silly music AND crayons on the tables.)

Post # 11
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

wow.. im surprised other girls feel the same way i do too!  I’m in the same boat with ya OP, i wanted a small wedding, something REALLY simple and it was my Fiance that wanted something bigger so he could invite all his family and friends. i obviously obliged, and the money kept piling up =/ We also talked about hanging up the whole thing, but it’s such a waste because of all the deposits. We also split costs in half initially.  However, he knows my feelings on the whole big wedding thing and how it isnt my style (i also was not as excited about it too 🙁 ), so as a compromise, he’s footing more of the bill (more than 50%). i found that after that, i felt better about the whole thing.  I think in the end, the money issue was what bothered me the most.  It was eating a lot into my savings. Now, I’m feeling a lot more “excited” about things and am footing my own bills for things related to me (shoes, accessories, dresses, etc), so it was a logical and fair compromise. if he wants a bigger wedding, he pays for it. hope my story helps out with yours. dont cancel it!! just try to compromise on money maybe, as that may be what seems to be bothering you most.

wow, sorry, that turned out longer than i thought it would!!

Post # 12
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

How many guests are you having and whats your budget? I ask because you can have alot of peopl and still not spend that much money..

Post # 14
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@FranksMama: Is your fiance actively helping out with the planning? If is pushing for the big wedding, he should be willing/eager to split the responsibilities of planning it. Is he supporting you emotionally as you feel you need to be supported? This is the beginning of a partnership between you two and a good opportunity to work out some of your communication issues (not singling you out–EVERYBODY has communication issues, ha).

Is it more the money stress that is getting you down or is it the stress of planning the wedding? If it’s the planning, have you considered hiring a wedding planner? That might be a good way to get what you want out of event without feeling constantly overwhelmed.

In any case, I would definitely recommend having a heart-to-heart with your fiance. This doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing (huge wedding or elopement) type of thing. Maybe you can come up with some way (together) to make the wedding feel as personal and intimate as you would like, while including the larger group of family and friends that he would like. $15,000 is a huge amount of money, for sure, but are you balking at the amount because it’s a large sum of money or because you two are not in a financial position to spend that much right now? If it’s the latter, then that might help focus some of your budget discussions. If it’s the former, then realizing that may help you articulate what it is about the money is bothering you.

Post # 16
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We had this fight constantly in planning, I wanted to elope, he wanted the big wedding.  We worked together to pay for it (with help from my mom who was thrilled we weren’t eloping). 

I loved our wedding.  I fought it tooth and nail against it and hated planning it, but I loved it and am now so grateful that my husband pushed for it and that we had the big wedding.  It was an amazing day and I have no regrets — except for maybe the time wasted fighting about it. 

I know it’s hard, but if your wedding turns out anything like mine, you will be happy when all is said and done.

Good luck! 

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