Resenting him for taking a long time to propose

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

Dear OP, I am so sorry for the heartbreak you’re going through right now, but so glad you have found the courage and strength to walk away.  I hope you have lots of family & friends around you to provide support and encouragement at this time.

It’s doubly sad that you had such an unpleasant email from him, but hopefully, his reaction will have underlined to you that you made the right decision in leaving – a man who loved you would not have responded in such a way.

I hope you are able to heal from this and find someone to partner with in future.  It is so wise of you to recognise that “Where my mistake was is NOT leaving when I turned 40.”  Please learn from this, and don’t let anyone else push you around in future – if you agree with someone that it is appropriate to make a decision on marriage by x date, it is not disrespectful or impatient to expect a decision then!  

Post # 32
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

P.S.  Just popped back to say that I didn’t even meet my future husband until I was 42 and we didn’t start dating until I was 43, but 2 years later, we’re married.  So definitely not too late for you to meet someone!

Post # 33
Member
2048 posts
Buzzing bee

Good for you for walking away! It is so much easier said than done but his idiotic and insulting email should help you start getting over him like you said. 

You are already on your way to bigger and better things. I’m sorry this happened to you but you have now confirmed that this guy is not a good partner to you and you deserve so much better.

Post # 34
Member
4530 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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@dishybee:  quite honestly this was the best update I’ve seen in a long time! It was completely useless to be waiting around in your case. You clearly told him what your intentions were from day 1 and as a 50 year old he manipulated you and strung you along for over 4 years! That’s just inexcusable! I’m so glad you made the best decision for YOU. If you’re not looking out for yourself and your priorities who will?!?! And you made it clear you’re not compromising any longer and wasting more of your time. Good for you! And I know you will meet someone who shares the same dreams and values for marriage. 

Post # 35
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@Supernurse: I love this response. I hadn’t thought of it that way. In fact, I usually think of it the exact opposite way-

It isn’t “emotional” to decide, with cold, rational logic that if you aren’t getting what you want out of a partnership, it’s time to change that. It isn’t emotional to decide that you’re only willing to continue an arrangement if your interests are protected.

 Getting married is a legal, financial arrangement… not just a pretty princess thing.

So many women are making decisions about where they’ll live, where they’ll work, how they’ll invest and obviously about their reproductive lives based on the relationships they’re in. Giving a “boyfriend” the reins to decide those parts of your life without any of the clear and reciprocal obligations of marriage is the emotional response most women regret.  

Men who aren’t ready (or who have no intention of doing what they say) often frame the engagement as the “emotional” choice when it’s just as often the move that forces both parties to indicate whether the contract they’ve been talking about is actually going to be signed.

 It’s romantic to think about possibilities. It’s pragmatic to put them in motion.

 

Post # 36
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

OP, I salute you for taking charge of your life. I’m so sorry for the heartbreak you must be feeling. One big upside is that your ex showed you that he wasn’t going to propose. He was wasting your time and would have continued doing so for as long as you let him.  If he had proposed properly, he would’ve dragged his feet toward the wedding day. I’m glad you’ll be free to find the right guy for you.

Post # 37
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2020

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@cart:  honestly, though I agree with the sentiment of your response, I don’t think it’s polite to scoff at someone wanting to watch a proposal video. I actually found that a little condescending. If you don’t find the notion of a proposal romantic then that’s totally fine…but some people do and there’s nothing wrong with that either. I’m a feminist, but I can still crave a little cheesy romance from my SO lol. 

Personally, I do not feel that marriage is necessary for anyone to live a fulfilling life with their partner, but that doesn’t mean people don’t romanticize the notion of marriage as a treasured milestone in their lives. Desiring a romantic proposal doesn’t make someone dependant on their partner any more than, say, desiring great sex does. All you can do is find ways to communicate your desires effectively. If your SO understands your perspective but still doesn’t make an effort, then yes they aren’t worth your time.

My point was that REGARDLESS of each individual’s specific wants and needs, it is up to their partner to value their wishes as much as their own. You can’t have love without respect. 

Post # 38
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2020

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@dishybee:  I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work out in your relationship, but I’m happy that you now have some clarity on whether this was the right decision for you!

Respect is always key, and if he hasn’t shown you that then you 100% deserve better. You’ll be just fine and have a stronger sense of self having had this experience! Wishing you a short grieving period and a better life moving forward <3

Post # 39
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

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@kirbee88:  With all due respect, and I definitely don’t mean to sound condescending, I love romance.  But to me, romance comes from the heart, not from YouTube.  It can be awkward and simple and unplanned and unsophisticated but if it’s pure, I’m all in.  If it’s contrived and staged and for the benefit of others, that’s not for me, but if it makes others happy, great, I have no issue with that. However, in the context of this thread, OP was looking for support in walking away, and so I thought the suggestion to sit down and show her boyfriend proposal videos for inspiration was a little … eye-opening.  I think we do women a disservice by suggesting they need to wait for someone else to determine their future.  But that’s just my opinion, I respect that yours differs, apologies for the condescension. 

Post # 40
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2020

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@cart:  I think our opinions are more alike than you think. Perhaps there’s been a misunderstanding, because I wholeheartedly agree that romance comes from the heart. As long as the emotions are there then you’re right, it absolutely doesn’t matter how simple or private the proposal is…romance will just be the natural byproduct. 

I made the suggestion for OP to show her partner some video inspiration simply because it’s important to recognize that not everyone’s idea of “a romantic gesture” is the same, and not everyone communicates the same way. I never implied a proposal should be contrived or for the benefit of others. And I DEFINITELY wasn’t suggesting women need to wait for someone else to determine their futures. 

In the case of my hubby, he expressed his affection by researching the perfect ring and waiting until we were on a planned vacation on a picturesque beach to propose, whereas I wished to be more “in the moment” with an impromptu and emotional gesture…and probably a couple years earlier LOL. It’s just an example of how two people can have the same intentions, but very different ideas of how to get there. Seeing examples of raw, emotional proposals could have helped us bridge our communication gap. When two people don’t see eye to eye on things, it can help to try a different approach. 

I guess I just didn’t see the purpose of this thread as “looking for support to walk away”. To me it appeared OP was struggling to make a decision based on what had led her to this point in her relationship. People who recount their relationships in such detail on a public forum are usually seeking some clarity, so I thought some other suggestions could help.

Anyway, it always helps to keep an open mind in any situation. That’s the lesson for all of us today. 

 

Post # 41
Member
29 posts
Newbee

One of my friends recently got engaged after waiting 4+ years. They have been together for 6. He’s 36 years old with a good career and income, they also live together. She was finally going to leave last year then she got pregnant. They had a baby in April and he finally proposed in October. Did he propose because of the baby? He led her on for years telling her he had a proposal idea and talking rings. Year after year all talk and no action. Until 6 months after baby was born. I think that’s the only reason he did it and you don’t want someone to propose to you because they feel like they have to. 

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