Resentment after the fact?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you really need to take a minute and put things into perspective. Why are you in such a hurry? I am in a similar place as you – we went to look at rings in Oct, and he asked my Dad on Xmas too lol. Trust me I am excited, and anxious, and can’t wait to get the ring on my finger!! But sometimes I feel like we know too much already. Don’t ruin the one bit of surpise you have left. I imagine that he wants to propose in a wonderful way that will blow your socks off! Wouldn’t you prefer that then a thoughtless, rushed proposal?

Try to keep in mind whats really important – and enjoy it!

Post # 4
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I see where you are getting at. I went through the exact same emotions. What killed it more was that ALL my friends were married and had at least one kid over a year old! And then one of my cousin married before me and she’s a LOT younger than I am and always used to say “I don’t even wanna think about marriage right now!” But there she went…

Meanwhile I am getting questions about myself. I had literally NO answer. I had no idea why he wouldn’t propose! I was not even able to make excuses for him because there were none! He had a job. He said he wants to marry me. But no ring. I literally couldn’t talk to people at all with a straight face. My heartbeat would go upppp everytime someone mentioned marriage. I REALLY did not want our relationship to come to this. I thought we’d be the better couple and I will never fight about this. But I did and it is a disgusting feeling, yet a necessary evil.

And then he proposed. The proposal was beautiful but it was wrongfully timed. I.e. just 10 days before the said cousin’s wedding. WTF?! So I had to take the ring off and hide it so as to not steal her limelight. I should’ve been basking in this glory but I wasn’t. By the time I was able to put the ring back on, the feeling had DIED OUT. I mean, why make me wait so long and then propose at the wrong time!? The wait was torture enough and then being engaged was ALSO a torture!

He even gave me a promise ring and said that the real one was ‘coming soon’. Then why can’t you just use the promise ring as an engagement!? And why are you giving me this and taking even MORE TIME to get engaged?! Ugh!

I was so angry and resentful. I still harbour some resentful feelings.

I think you are afraid that no matter how good the proposal is, you will be pissed off at him for making you wait so long. That feeling will reduce over time. That’s what I can tell ya. It won’t completely go away (or maybe it will for YOU. It didn’t for me), but you will eventually not think about it. The wedding planning will pretty much consume you and you won’t have the time to think. That’s the silver lining.

Post # 5
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree with the PP about figuring out why you want to rush it so badly…  But I don’t think you are feeling resentment as much as you are feeling guilt.  You might be feeling like you pressured him into proposing before he was ready (and you might have).  Stop putting pressure on him.  Let it go for a few weeks.  You know he will propose and let it be special.  If he is truly who you want to spend the rest of your life with you can get over it and just be happy that you found the person you want to be with forever.

You know it is going to happen…  Just relax.

And trust me, I know how it feels to have everyone around you getting engaged and they’ve been together half as long or don’t even seem to have that great of a relationship…  I’ve been there.  My Fiance had me thinking an engagement would still be a year off.  I was upset for a little while but then I realized that me badgering him about it wasn’t going to help.  So I let it go.  Exactly a month after I stopped talking about it he bought the ring (I had no idea) and he held onto it.  I started working on me and working out and focusing my attention elsewhere.  And on NYE completely out of the blue he proposed.  And it was perfect.  Just give him time, it will happen.

Post # 6
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

OK I waited for a long time for my Fiance. I got upset and had a difficult time waiting.

Now that I’m engaged… I feel no resentment whatsoever! It happened perfectly!

You’d feel worse if you pushed him to propose.

Post # 7
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I’m very much in the same situation, met at 19, dating 6 years now.  He was JUST able to say he’s been thinking more about marriage and said 8 months sounds about right.  I feel GREAT!!  And the reason that’s enough for me is that’s all I really want, confirmation from him that he has intentions to marry me after all this wonderful time together!  Now that I now it’s coming sometime, I’m fine and I think “this is just the first chapter of our story” and am I really really ready to move to Chapter 2 (engagement)?  I want to move to Ch. 2, but why not just enjoy Ch. 1 a little bit longer now that the wondering aspect of it is over?  Once you’re engaged, you’ll be barraged with questions again (when are you getting married, who’s your Maid/Matron of Honor, what colors?).  Maybe just try to enjoy the anticipation, like a kid on Christmas Eve!

Post # 8
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I went with Fiance to buy the ring, and trust me, I started getting really pissed off when he made me wait for it. Personally, I don’t like surprises, and I very much enjoy instant gratification. I don’t have very good advice; the way it happened for me was that the day I thought he was going to propose and he didn’t, I looked really bummed and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I had thought he was going to propose, and he felt really bad about it. So badly, actually, that he proposed the next day.

So…no advice, but I totally get where you’re coming from. Just try the best you can to relax! A month isn’t too long to wait in the scheme of things.

Post # 9
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I agree with BBee, also I think you need to put out of your mind what people think and just realise you have a great man who wants to marry you and make you happy. From what I’ve read as soon as he was able to he started putting things in place.

How’s the relationship otherwise, are you happy? I think now is the perfect time to just enjoy it, and put all talks of wedding and engagement aside. You already know it’s coming right? Give him a little room to plan a surprise, guys like that sort of thing.

My point is evaluate your feelings, do you still want to marry this man? If so focus on that and the fact that it’s all coming together soon.

Post # 10
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am no longer waiting but I was for a while.  I can understand your feelings but I would encourage you, at this point, to let go and just wait for it to happen.  I started to get antsy a month or so before the proposal because I knew it was coming soon and I just wanted it to happen but I absolutely refused to ask him why it didn’t happen yet.  I knew he had a plan and that if I kept badgering him about it, it would spoil it for both of us.  I really wanted him to be happy and excited about asking me and I felt like questioning him would have just taken some of his happiness away. 

Although I did wonder why it was taking a long time, I’m so happy I stayed quiet because when it did happen it wasn’t like “ok here’s your ring now shut up.”  Instead, it was a really exciting moment that we both wanted and enjoyed.

If he says it will happen, it most likely will.  He’s probably waiting because he wants to plan something special for you and even though a lot of people would be happy with a proposal in their pajamas maybe he wants to make it more “special.” After we got engaged my fiance told me he wanted to do it sooner than he did but something happened with the ring, then our weekend schedules, etc. so it ended up being a little later than HE wanted too.

Good luck and hang in there ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 11
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

it took my Fiance 10 YEARS to ask me and we have a 3 year old…and you know what bothered  me the most??? Why do people think it is ok to ask someone when they are getting proposed to? Like seriously you think the person already dosnt know its been forevor and they already are sick of waiting and feel embarrassed. i cant believe it when people ask that question. To me its the same as asking if you are pregnant even if u just might have gained a few pounds! people need to learn some manners. Im so sorry you feel like this but once its all said and done and the waiting is over you will feel much better. Dont worry. I was feeling really bad 10 years a 3 year old later and then it finally happend and it was worth it.

Post # 12
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I wouldn’t be worried that you will feel resentment once he proposes.  You’re just having a lot of stress and anxiety now.  Once it happens, I think these feelings will go away. 

Post # 13
2765 posts
Sugar bee

For me, a lot of unhappiness in situations like these comes from feeling like I don’t have control over the situation.  I’ve been similarly very very angry when I feel like I have no control at work, for example.  I just feel so… powerless ugh.  Then I obsess on it and get more and more angry.

Is there another part of your life where you can focus your energies and have more direct control over it?  I’ve found that to be super helpful in overcoming feelings of anger and resentment!

Good luck!

Post # 14
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I only dated Darling Husband 1.5 years before he proposed and I had a TON of resentment, just like you are describing. Even though 1.5 years isn’t a long time to wait, we still joke about “how long” he took to propose. But honestly it didn’t take away any of the joy from our proposal or engagement.

Post # 15
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@hzleys100: Amen! I wish people would realize this is probably NEVER a good question to ask. If the lady wants you to know she’s getting engaged soon she’ll probably tell you herself! Otherwise–zip it!

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