- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Ok, so a little background…I’ve been with my SO for six years: we met when I was 19 and in my first year of university. He is two years older than me.
We both agreed that we weren’t even considering it until we were both done school, and in our respective careers (for us personally we felt like we could never promise out lives to one another when we had no idea what those lives would entail). I graduated in June of 2009, but we were living in different cities, so the timing sucked then too.
Finally last spring we were living in the same place, and he was starting to save up….then he lost his job.
Now by this point I was getting frustrated, and I see now how unfair it was that I was getting on him about it when he didn’t have a job-I mean how the hell do you propose to someone when you don;t have a job? But I felt like I had waited so long, and I was watching our friends who hadn’t been together even half as long as we had get engaged….and I felt left behind. I was scared my time would never come, and I took all that fear out on him, and put some pretty serious pressure on.
This fall he got a great job, and we started saving again. In December we went shopping for rings. Over Xmas he asked my parent’s permission. And last week I (completely honestly) accidently found the receipt for the ring, so I know he has it. He’s been saying “really soon” a lot lately and when I said “soon to me means within a month, and if it’s longer just tell me so I don’t feel let down” and he has sworn up and down I won’t feel let down. We are going back to our hometown for a visit next weekend-and I have a VERY strong feeling it’s going to happen then….
So I SHOULD be over the moon, right? I’m not! I can’t stop bringing it up, and we can’t stop argueing about it! He makes stupid jokes ot his friends, and I burst into tears about it…..his Aunt asks when we’re getting married over Xmas and I stop speaking to him for days because I’m so angry…I know it’s going to happen…and yet I feel so much resentment towards him for making me wait, that I feel like it’s sucking the life out of me. Rationally I know that he couldn’t until now, so why on Earth do I fele so angry? I feel embarssed because everyone and their mother has asked me why he hasn’t proposed and to be honest it makes me feel like a loser. And it’s cheapened it for me, and I think my getting on him has cheapened it for him too, which makes me feel awful.
I guess my question is this: what if he finally proposes, but I can’t get over the resentment I feel for having to wait so long? What if I’ve ruined the whole thing for both of us with my behaviour?