(Closed) resentment and a dying parent

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t have any great advice for you though I wish I did. I just want you to know that I think you are being the bigger person in all of this. At the end you want to be left with no regrets. If there is something you need to get off your chest and make amends with him I urge you to do it….just remember there may not be a next time.

Post # 5
Member
1777 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would advocate going to therapy.  If nothing else you will be able to have some peace within yourself.  I think moving away was a wise choice.  Also, you really are being the bigger person by going to see your parents.

 

Now, I want you to look deep inside yourself and think about this.  If your father died and you never told him any of this, how would you feel.  Would you be okay with it or would it eat you up that you never told “the truth”.  Or if you did tell him and he was upset/hurt/regretful and then he died, and you knew that was one of the last things you said to him, how would you feel.  You have to live with yourself and whichever is the “lesser of two evils”. 

 

By asking you to get things off your chest, your dad may have been looking for validation (aka- dad you weren’t so bad afterall) or he may have been looking for forgiveness, but too embarassed to ask. 

 

There is no right or wrong answer, but I wish your good luck in your decision and I wish you well on your trip.  I am sorry about your father’s illness.  *sends hugs*

Post # 7
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It might help you to write a letter and write out all your feelings and thoughts.  Everything you would say to him.  But don’t give it to him.  You can keep it, or have a little “ceremony” where you meditate/pray or whatever is special to you, and burn it and let it go to the universe.  

Post # 9
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Whatever you end up doing, I know you must feel a lot of conflict within yourself and you have a lot of mixed emotions about the whole situation.  Just know that it’s normal, and I hope you’re able to make peace with it all.  It’s difficult because all of it, from the childhood issues and family dynamics to your father’s current situation, has been out of your control and you’re forced to just adapt and go with it.  I feel for you  =o(  You’ve been good at rolling with it, you’ve turned out to be a productive citizen, and you can be proud of yourself.  Good luck  *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I had a lot of the same family resentments that you do and I moved also. I wrote him a letter and said everything I’d always wanted to say, I mean everything, then I ripped it up. I got out what I needed to and he died not knowing. It helped!

Post # 13
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree write a letter and mail it to him and get it all off your chest. You need closure as well. I am so sorry that your going through this but the silver lining is that you have a chance to speak your peace and say good bye unlike others. Take this opportunity to let him know that even though he was a terrible father, you forgive him and that you want your finally moments with him to be a clean slate. I think you bit deserve that little bit of peace.

Wish you luck

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 

I don’t know if this will help, but myself and my ex H kept that we had split up from his dying mother for 2 years. 

Mother-In-Law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and given only 6 months to live,  just after we had decided to formally split.  My ex was her only child.  We talked about whether to tell her or not…and decided that it wasn’t worth upsetting her, that it would only make a painful situation even worse.

What followed was one of the worst couple of years of my life.  I hated having to pretend to his whole family (and lots of his friends that knew his family) that we were still happily married.  I was even living in another city with my now Fiance for a year of this time – we told his mother that I was ‘working away’

But I am glad now that we did it.  She died thinking her only child was happy in their marriage.  I did it for my ex H, not for my Mother-In-Law.  Like you, I couldn’t see the point in causing alot of drama.

You are being the bigger person, and you should be proud of yourself. 

Post # 15
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Write them down, shout them out, talk to a therapist, do what you need to get the words off your chest, but don’t let them fall on his ears.  He is probably trying to come to peace with his life, and although he did you wrong when he was raising you, he obviously did better than imagined, because you have the courtesy and wisdom to question if the words you want to speak will be moral.  Be proud that you were able to move away and end the cycle you were in with your family, because if you never left, you might not see him in the way you do now.  He might have put you through a lot before, and his dying is putting you through a lot now, but look at it through this perspective:  he has taught you so much about the person you want to be and the person you don’t want to be, and how to live your life in a way that will do good for those around you.  Be grateful for his hard lessons, and try to come to peace with all his bad behavior in this way, if you can.  Cause no matter what, your words can’t bring him back, but they can bring him peace, and eventually you peace.  good luck!

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