Resentment – I work a lot more than fiance

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You’re raising 3 kids together and getting married .. you should be combining finances more. 

That doesn’t mean you have to join all your accounts or anything, but your bills should be considered family expenses and if one of you is struggling the other should pick up the slack. That’s what being partners is all about. 

If he makes better money, he should be paying more than 50%. It would be fine if paying half wasn’t causing you undue hardship, but it is, so you shouldn’t have to when it is perfectly reasonable for him to pay a bit more. 

At the very least, if you’re paying equal bills, he should be paying more of the groceries and doing a lot more of the housework since he has so much more time to devote to it. 

When one of you has three hours at home and the other had eight, it’s absurd to expect you to split chores 50/50 or for the person home less to do more. What the fuck? 

Post # 3
Member
9511 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If he’s financially comfortable and you’re struggling to make ends meet working 80 hours a week, then I think the expenses need to be adjusted from 50/50. Perhaps go to 35/65 with him paying the bigger percentage.

This guy doesn’t really sound like a winner though, sorry. Who lets their SO work 80 hours a week while they go golfing, and then complains about chores? I mean really.

Post # 4
Member
682 posts
Busy bee

He sounds like an asshole.

“He recently chewed me out for piling clean laundry in baskets for days instead of folding them immediately.”

Youve tried talking to him but he gets “super defensive”. 

You want to legally commit to that? 

Post # 5
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I’m not clear from your post – how are you dividing the housework? Are you doing all of it? Because that is just nonsense. But if you’re splitting it 50/50 and he said he wasn’t willing to do more, well that still is shitty but a bit better at least. How are parenting responsibilities split? Why isn’t he helping out with the kids more?

It doesn’t sound like a sustainable solution. Insuggest counceling if you’re struggling to find a fair solution between the two of you. Although, I must say, if my prtner was comfortable seeing me wake up early, do all the work and all the parenting, and so defensive about it and still used their time off for golfing and whatnot, I would definitely not want to be with them because it says a lot about their character and their view of life partnership.

Post # 6
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It sounds like you don’t have a true partner…..which is what I thought we all wanted.  Resentment is poison and can kill a relationhip.  You and he need to have a come to Jesus and I suggest you both go to couples counseling.  If he stays defensive and doesn’t want to commit to couples counseling then you know you’re with someone who isn’t commited to your relationship.  Then you have a decision to make.

Post # 7
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

1. When you’re on the day shift starting at 6am and he’s sleeping in til 10, who is getting the kids breakfast and ready for school? I’m assuming they’re younger kids and not self-sufficient teens since you say they go to bed between 8 and 9. 

2. Financial disparity. It always unsettles me when someone is fine with enjoying a better standard of living than their partner. If you’re working overtime to make your share of the bills while he’s comfortable financially and works only a few hours a day, this is a roommate not a loving relationship. 

3. Housework. Someone who can watch you work burn-out hours at work and then come home to cook and clean without helping you is not a loving partner who shows you any consideration, this is a very selfish man and this alone would be a dealbreaker for me. That he has the gall to criticize you for not folding laundry on top of all this is just the cherry on top of the misogynist sundae. 

4. Golfing. There is nothing wrong with having a hobby. It isn’t his golf that’s the problem, it’s that he seems to have ample leisure time and yet doesn’t even help you with cooking, housework etc. If he was a considerate loving partner who did his share both financially and at home I doubt you’d resent him playing golf. And it’s very obtuse of him to suggest you get a hobby when he should KNOW you have neither the time nor the money to take up a hobby of your own- and he’s turned a blind eye to this.

5. This is my fifth point but by no means the least important point, this entire situation is an unhealthy dynamic for your children to be witnessing, they’re not only learning unhealthy role models but they’re undoubtedly picking up on the building tension and resentment in the home. This isn’t a blended family, this is two families co-habitating under one roof and your fiance sure isn’t acting like a team player here. 

To be blunt, why are you even with this guy? He’s selfish and entitled and not even a good or caring partner. Be careful, your understandable resentment will fester into bitterness and make you a more sour and cynical, less happy person and this will permeate every aspect of your life. Either dump him or at the very least have a shape-up-or-ship-out-come-to-Jesus-last-chance talk with him and expect him to follow through. 

Post # 8
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

I would think long and hard before committing yourself to this individual.  This is just a preview of coming attractions if you marry this guy.  He seems to lack empathy and compassion.  Any man (or woman) who would let their partner slog away workng 80 hours per week while he played golf and then have the audacity to talk to me about laundry not being folded would be shown the door immediately.

Post # 9
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

Not that it will materially change my answer, but does your fiance do any chores? The general tone of your post suggests no but the use of “all the housework” sounds like maybe?

“He says just because he has a more flexible schedule doesn’t mean he should do all the housework.”

Your fiance has not taken on board the fact that by forming a new family with you, you are supposed to be on the same team now. He should be concerned if you are overworked and exhausted, not irritated that it has  negative sideffects for him.  If you work a 14 hour day to keep up your end of the financial burden, the minimum he can do is cook dinner and tidy up so that your day is a little less stressful.  

I generally recommend chore charts in cases where there is uneven or inequitable distribution of household chores, but you also shouldn’t need to “nickle and dime” your partner into realizing you need a break. He should want you to be rested, spending more time at home, less stressed etc He should cook dinner not because it’s his “chore for the week” but because he knows it will save you a little time and generally contribute to your happiness. He should be prioritizing your needs over his comforts.

I’d think carefully about your next steps. 

Post # 10
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

 

lkk386 :  7 days ago you were talking about calling off the wedding…you’re obviously struggling with the decision to leave this relationship. But it sounds like it isn’t really benefiting you in any way and only makes you unhappy, so why not just bite the bullet and finish it? 

Post # 11
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

This is some straight up bullshit. You know this is bullshit. If the dynamic doesn’t change, I would not be getting married.

Post # 12
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee

You can do bad by yourself. What is this man doing for you, besides being another warm body in the house for which you have to provide, feed, and clean up after? 

Post # 13
Member
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Just NO.

Stop doing his laundry. Ask him to cook or pick up takeout for dinner on the days you work until 6. If you are buying the groceries why isn’t he paying all the utilities, or some other arrangement that makes things more equitable? Does he know that you are working so much because you are struggling financially? And yet doesn’t make an effort to help you? 

What’s good about this guy? Why do you want to marry him? I’m exhausted for you. 

Post # 14
Member
5720 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

In your last post you said you had only been together 2 years, but now you have lived with him for almost the entire relationship and you have kids?? 

What changed since a week ago when you were thinking of canceling the wedding?

Post # 15
Member
890 posts
Busy bee

lkk386 :  I know what I wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t marry him. You make his life comfy, and the minute you ask for help, he snaps and gets defensive. No thank you. I’d lose him quick. 

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