Resentment – I work a lot more than fiance

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I wish I’d read your previous post before posting.  Girl, no….just….no.  

Post # 19
Member
5732 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

lkk386 :  That is where your problems started.  In your situations you cannot know enough about a person to move in at around 6 months.  It isn’t possible, you need to know so much more when you have children and you are trying to merge two families together and there is no way you would be genuinely ready for that so early, hence all the financial problems. 

How is this going to work in the future if you continue to work finances the way you do? Does he pay for his kid and you pay for yours then you split everything 50/50? Did you move into his place? How did you support yourself without him?  Can you move to reduce the outgoings since you obviously can’t afford your bills if you have to work 80hrs a week to do it?  Are you ever going to combine finances or split bills proportionately?

What are you actually doing to *work on* your relationship? It sounds like you are fundamentally different people, you have different attitude to work, finances, running a household, you argue all the time. I seriously can’t work out why this is so great? 

Post # 20
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

OP, a simple solution could make your lives a lot easier… since you are struggling with making enough family time around your schedule, he should hire a cleaning service to come in once per week to make your life easier. 

He may not think the cleaning is necessary, but you’re going to do it regardless. The least he could do is support you in having more time with your children, or for a hobby. 

Also, I think your household bills should be proportional to your income. You should never have to ask him to pay an electric bill. He should be picking up his fair share so you’re not strapped. 

Post # 21
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

lkk386 :  “He sees a lot of what I do as being ridiculous and overdone (like mopping or cleaning bathtubs, dusting) so he won’t do it because to him I overclean

Do you ‘overcook’ too because I don’t notice him coming home from the golf course and getting dinner started while you’re still at your 12 hour shift. 

Post # 22
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

lkk386 :  What kind of business can he possibly run that actually yields him good money and requires barely 3 hours of work a day? 

This guy sounds like a loser and honestly I wouldn’t bother with this relationship if I were you, you have children and a demanding career you literally do not have room for a man child in your life and why would you want to.

Post # 23
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I too suggest you two do pre-marital counseling with the goal being, to explore the expectations you both have for the marriage including financial, emotional, and household work. Go to pre-marital counseling and figure out what you both are expecting the role of a husband wife should be for yourselves, then what you both expect from each other as a husband and wife. Make sure those ideas line up. 

Specifically id ask these questions at those sessions. 

– What is the role of a wife? 

– What is the role of a husband?

– What do you feel is a fair split of household tasks and responsibilities?

– What is a fair expectation for a step parents involvement in raising those kids? 

– How are the finances to be combined and handled in the marriage?

– How are we both planning to contribute to a joint retirement fund?

– How are we both planning to pay for our children’s college education?

Op, it sounds like you never had these discussions or formally acknowledged who should do what chores and when between you both, sounds like you both haven’t yet discussed finances and responsibility. Your best bet to avoid his defensiveness, is to find a couples therapist and call it pre-marital counseling. You might find that you aren’t compatible because you simply have different views on what a husband or wife’s role should be. If in therapy he makes it clear that he firmly believes your role as a wife is to do all the household chores than you two just aren’t a good fit. 

His attitude problem should also be discussed at those sessions. Because that also might be a deal breaker. I know that I am not always the most positive person, my fiance does get stressed from work as do I at times, but we both get home from work, take about 20 minutes to decompress, and then focus on enjoying our evening together. If he is consistently a negative person i can see how that would make a very unhappy marriage. His stress is his problem to manage. If he needs help with methods to cope with his stress than he needs to get that help. 

Post # 24
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

lkk386 :  I think when a couple starts cohabitating a lot of people think a 50/50 split sounds like it makes the most sense because each of them make up one half of a couple…but a lot of the time that is simply NOT the most reasonable or equitable solution. Such is your case. Why are you splitting all household bills and expenses 50/50? You obviously cannot afford to do that and are struggling. And your partner doesn’t seem to care. Which is a big red flag.

Nothing you’ve described in this post makes him sound like a person worthy of being in your life anyway. A few days ago you made a post about calling off the wedding. I think that was a good instinct. What happened to that plan?

Post # 25
Member
833 posts
Busy bee

OP, your whole original post is like, 80 reasons why he’s shit, and then you follow up with “he’s good to me”. 

He isn’t good to you. He knows what he’s doing. He knows if he just doesn’t clean, cleans badly, procrastinates doing his fair share, you will step in and do it because you are bothered. He is deliberately falling short, knowing that you will pick up his slack. He will not change. He will always be this way. He will always force you to be the “manager” of your home, and will aact as though he deserves accolades for doing any more than the bare minimum. 

Post # 26
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

Here’s what I would do: make an excel spreadsheet of allthe chores that need to be done and how frequently (go into great detail and include everything from folding clothes to buying toilet paper to scrubbing the bathtub) so you both see exactly how many things need to be done to keep your household running every week. Include childcare. Then, map the chores onto the free hours in your schedules. He will quickly see that his schedule could take on a lot more than yours. My fiancé and I don’t live together but we’ve already talked about this to avoid falling into a toxic routine in the future. He works very different hours than me and if we had children (which he wants more than I do) he would be the primary caregiver because I’d work a 9-5. He also is willing to do some chores and he loves to cook. However, his level of cleanliness doesn’t match mine so I would need to give him very specific tasks/instructions of how I want things to be cleaned (I.e. use soap scum remover once a week – where he previously doesn’t even know what soap scum remover is). With a specific number of tasks and instructions on optimal ways of cleaning, he’s more likely to do things in a way that I would if I had the extra hours in the week. 

Of course, this will be harder since you guys have already fallen into a routine. I really think he needs to see the scale of what needs to be done on a Regular basis.

Post # 27
Member
4230 posts
Honey bee

I’m struggling to understand why you’re with this guy. You do all the cleaning and he does what? Golf and criticize your your housekeeping skills? Did you at least tell him that he should go fuck himself with that inane comment about the laundry? Because it’s not just your job it’s his too. Additionally, I dont know how old your kids are but in the 4th grade I was expected to fold the laundry and take it to where it belonged. I always had chores, but I lived with my father and he worked FT.

This sounds like a case of sacrifice and that is poison to a relationship as you are discovering. 

 

Post # 28
Member
7048 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

lkk386 :  He is a great guy, my kids love him, and he is good to me.

Wait, wut? Girl have you read your posts? That is NOT being good to you. That’s being a dick. If you think this is going to change, I’m here to tell you it’s not. 

Post # 29
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

My husband and I make roughly the same amount of money, so I can’t offer any advice on that front, but I have LOTS of opinions on housework.

I TOTALLY agree with professorbride :. I myself have literally made a spreadsheet, printed it, laminated it, and hung it inside a kitchen cabinet. When a task is completed (clean the bathtub, mop), it is checked off with dry erase marker and dated. I instituted this because hen-boyfriend, now hubby, was claiming he doesn’t see anything to clean around the house. I would manically list off everything that can be done, leading to HUUUUUGE resentment and heated arguments. At best, he will accomplish the things. At worst, you’ll have clear evidence that he doesn’t do half of the housework.

Hiring a cleaning service/laundry would be a bandaid. I suggest figuring out if you want to keep this guy around before employing that tactic – AND MAKE HIM PAY FOR IT.

 

On second thought, throw the whole man away.

Post # 30
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I mean, you can bring this up in counseling, but look at other threads around Weddingbee. He is not going to just start cleaning more and helping out more because you ask him. He may do it for a little bit, but it will not be something he changes permanently because he clearly doesn’t care about it or about doing it for you. How can you want to be with someone that clearly sees you struggling and doesn’t offer to help out? 

Sit down tonight and have a talk. Don’t let him get defensive. Don’t make it about him. Make it about you. Just say ” I am really struggling now, here is why. This is what I need from you to help us get through.” If he starts to get defensive, just call him out on it “there is no reason for you to get defensive, I am not criticizing you, I just need more help around here” and see what happens. But if it doesn’t change after a frank conversation and some counseling, its not going to change.   

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