Post # 61
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I’ve read your orignal post and all of the updates. I’m usually all for counseling and working on things. But this guy is a waste and isn’t going to change.
I don’t care how nice he is to your kids or the three chores he helps out with. Any man who can sit back and watch the love of his life work her ass off, come home do all the cleaning, do all the cooking, help with the homework AND struggle to make ends meet is a piece of shit. He is literally watching you struggle and can’t even throw you a life saver. A good guy would hate watching his fiancee struggle so much and would be offering to pay for more bills, clean up, do chores, cook, help with the kids, etc.
I’m a neat freak so I totally understand there are some chores that we probably prefer to do because we know our own standards. But that doesn’t mean he can’t do anything else. And he barely works. He has plenty of time to do everything on his own.
My husband used to work 80 hours a week and I was working part time. Even after I switched to full time, I still did everything. I handled the finances, paid all the bills, cleaned, laundry, shopped and cooked every night. He barely had to lift a finger. I did that because I cared about him and I knew he was stressed and needed a break. If I would have made him do a lot of that, he probably would have had a nervous break down.
Your fiancee is taking advantage of your situation and your children and it’s disgusting.
Post # 62
DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.
Get out. Life doesn’t have to be like this.
Post # 63
PS – just want to add that, in my own marriage, once cleaning was off the table, Darling Husband was very content to pitch in with the rest. He does all of the grocery shopping (I give him a list of specific things I need for the week if there’s anything apart from the usual stuff), his own laundry plus all our shared laundry like towels (and Dear Daughter does hers herself, so I only have to do my own clothes), we share dishes just depending on who is home when it needs doing, we split the driving of the kiddo, he shows up to all her sports and school events, etc. He also has summers off (he works for the school district) and when he’s home, I don’t have to touch a dish or really do much of anything except go to work. He still doesn’t CLEAN though, lol, so the house cleaner stays!
For us, his simple hatred of house cleaning caused a lot of other havoc in our marriage that went away once we solved that problem. OP might or might not have the same experience – but OP, you need to be very open and very clear about what you need from him – please don’t expect him to “just know” things. And if he only became this way a few months ago, I would encourage you observe him for signs of depression – sudden changes are a concern.
Post # 64
Maybe it’s time for you to go away for a week and leave him to fend for himself. Remind him what it’s like to do everything.
Post # 65
EricainOlalla : I’m honestly horrified by your post. Your husband believes his time is more important than yours. He tried to convince you he sucked at things because he didn’t want to do them. But it’s okay for you to do things that suck. This is misogyny. This is the problem. The men doing these things aren’t idiots. They know how to operate a vacuum and wash a dish but they will fight with every fiber of their being to not alter the status quo because it benefits them. I’m really glad that you two were able to work out a compromise, and good for you for pushing for something that you needed rather than just doing it, but this is the behavior we’re treating as ‘normal’. And it’s not normal, it’s not okay. It’s unbelievably sexist and wrong.
ETA: I really want to try to get across that I’m not trying to attack your or your relationship but more these pervasive ideas. If this was an isolated behavior it would be bad enough, but it’s not, it affects all areas of women’s lives. Our earnings, our happiness, everything and I feel so strongly that we all need to understand it’s not ok. Hopefully that doesn’t require divorce but there are some men out there that would rather break up than have an equitable share of the duties.
Post # 66
It honestly isnt about the cleaning for me. Hiring a house keeper wouldn’t solve any of this. We’ve had a housekeeper, but once a week cleaning doesn’t cut it in our home. I know my standards of cleaning are high, which is why I’m ok with and do not expect him to do the cleaning, but its his negativity and complete disregard for how much I do and how much I work, combined with the pressure that he’s not happy and even with everything I do he’s still miserable.
He and I both love each other, but the arguing over the past few months has distanced us.
My ex husband constantly told me I was overthinking things or being dramatic, so I doubt myself constantly whether my feelings are warranted or overreactive. Thank you all for making me feel better about that.
Post # 67
And I promise, this relationship wouldnt have gotten this far if it’d always been this way. I learned some about self worth after my marriage.
I’m also NOT the easiest person in the world, I definitely have my faults. But I always used to feel we were 100/100, all in, both of us. And now he feels so distant and withdrawn.
We did call off our wedding after months of arguing since the engagemet. I was hoping cancelling the wedding would alleviate some stress on him to get him to kinda bounce back, but he’s still in this funk. The only other thing I can think of for the change in him is this business that should be finalized soon. It and the wedding planning really got underway around the same time.
Post # 68
lkk386 : Never doubt yourself bee. I always say anyone who makes you doubt yourself can go f*ck themself.
You have a demanding career. You have children. You also do cleaning, cooking, house work etc etc. Take a step back and give yourself a pat on the back because that is A LOT and you are clearly succeeding at all these things. But you need time for YOU, life isn’t all about chores, children and work. You need to have fun and relax and enjoy yourself.
You say he loves you but someone who truly loves and cares about you would never sit back and watch this shit go down and you struggle.
You shouldn’t have to ask to help with the bills you are engaged and living togerther as a family unit for f*cks sake.. he is not an idiot he knows you are struggling and on top of not helping he expects that you come crawling to him for help? How about he grows a pair of balls and goes and pays the electricty bill for next 6 months, stocks the fridge, pays for the kids sports or whatever other expenses ON HIS OWN and on top of all this he has the audacity to complain about laundry? NO.
Put your foot down or leave him, you deserve better and there is better out there.
Post # 69
In your previous post, you mentioned that he is merging his business with one of your family members.
That this occured around the same time as you getting engaged, which also happens to be when this switch was apparently flipped and he became a totally different person tells me that he does not want to get married, does not want to intertwine your lives any further, and is feeling stuck.
I don’t think this relationship is going to make it. I’m sorry.
He needs to be honest with you about it instead of just being a miserable ass and taking it out on you.
Post # 70
sboom : I think you’re right honestly. Now that I’ve read it, thats the most logical explanation.
Post # 71
“He says just because he has a more flexible schedule doesn’t mean he should do all the housework.“
Wait… what??? YES IT DOES! That’s exactly what it means! Everyone puts forth equal effort to make a relationship and a household run.
Post # 72
I read all your posts and skimmed the replies, and I still don’t get just what the fck you are getting out of this relationship lol. Sounds to me like you’d probably have to work fewer hours if his and his kids expenses aren’t added to the pile.
Post # 73
lkk386 : “He says just because he has a more flexible schedule doesn’t mean he should do all the housework.” — Well of course not ALL the housework, but a good portion of it. There’s work outside the home that you do because you get paid for it, and there’s work in and around the home that you do because you’re civilized and want to live in a pleasant environment. In a fair, loving partnership, the weight is pulled equally. If one partner works fewer hours outside the home, then hell-to-the-mfing-yes that person should be putting in more hours of the unpaid work. That’s why SAHP usually do most of the housework, right? It’s bizarre honestly, that he thinks it’s fair that he works basically part-time while you work the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs AND do most of the housework. Yeah sure, if you have unreasonable standards, you need to fulfill those yourself. But he absolutely should be responsible for reasonable standards.
Seriously, why can’t he take on the cooking? Including shopping? It’s so much easier to shop before 5:00pm on a weekday. He would have the store to himself, unlike you shopping after work along with everyone else who is also shopping after work. It would be 100% reasonable for him to cook every night. And why can’t he fold and put away the laundry? You washed it and dried it, right? What does it say about him that instead of seeing the baskets piled up and thinking “oh, I better take are of this!” he saw them piled up and thought “why hasn’t she finished this?!” with the implication that it’s your job and you were just too lazy to do it. Gross. Like really really gross. And not just the sexism part. It’s not just that he clearly thinks it’s women’s work, but he doesn’t care about YOU. He would rather see you work yourself to the bone than fold some clothes. Probably his own damn clothes. Or just ignore the clothes — even that is too much, he has to hound you about why you didn’t fold the clothes.
He is not a great guy. He is not good to you. Do not be ok with this.
Post # 74
OP, do you think that perhaps your resentment of his lifestyle choices has led you to criticise him more than you realise?
Sounds like his response to that criticism has been to shut down and criticise you in return. For example, criticising you about the laundry.
Now, that is terribly immature, but if you want to stay with this guy, maybe you have to accept that he just has that flexibility that you don’t? You seem to have accepted that you do more cleaning because you have higher standards, maybe this is another thing you have to accept. That he just has an easier life than you?
Unless you stand up and directly ask him for a permanent measure that WOULD make your life easier – like a different split on mortgage and bills as your new norm – that would be a positive action you can take. But criticising him and trying to take away his treasured hobby – well that is obviously a losing strategy.
Post # 75
lkk386 : 1). Bee, I don’t care what you do for a living….working 80 hours a week is no way to live. I’ve done it before as a single person who doesn’t have kids, I can’t imagine how awful it would be committed WITH kids.
2). This guy sounds like a jerk.
3). Do the kids do chores around the house?