Resources for Forgiveness?

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

violetscent :  Im sorry that this happened to you. I can totally understand the bitterness of waiting and waiting only to find out that its never going to happen and having to start over.

The best advice I can give is to forgive yourself first. You werent the first woman to be strung along and you wont be the last. Work with your therapist, to learn to enforce your own boundaries on what is and what isnt acceptable to you.

While dating and relationships are about love and lots of times they are grounded in emotions, you also have to set firm boundaries that are practical for what you are looking for.

Take your time, and absolutely do not start dating again until you have a firm grasp of what your looking for, how to enforce your boundaries, and how to apply those things to relationships. Otherwise you could end up back in a relationship with someone who is similiar to your ex. 

Post # 4
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee

Think about this: the person you really need to forgive is yourself, not your ex. He didnt make you hang around for 7 years, you chose to do so. By making him the focus of your anger and bitterness you’re missing the point in a big way. Stop focusing on him and turn your gaze inward. That’s how you heal.

Post # 6
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

violetscent :  

I feel for you. It is hard starting over after such a long period of time. I went out rock climbing with one of my girlfriend’s last night, and this was exactly our topic of conversation. She was with her previous partner for 6.5 years, and realized he was never going to move on marrying her and having kids. She was upset with herself for waiting so long (many missed ultimatums), and impacting her own chances to have biological kids. She was upset with him for a whole host of reasons.

She has recently started dating someone new, and said she had to get into counselling to not let the anger and resentment affect her new relationship. She is working of being at peace with whatever the outcome is for her – maybe she will have kids, maybe not. 

If you can see a therapist, it would be a really great place to start.

Post # 7
Member
1598 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You want to work on this resentment & bitterness towards your ex, okay let’s do an exercise.  Break down and list exactly why you’re angry at him for whatever behavior he commited then list your response to that behavior.  This actually worked for me.  I’ll start with the obvious: 

  1. He didn’t propose – And you stuck around for 4,5,6,7 years. (Amend this for the period you actually wanted to get married and reset the clock there)
  2. He misled me – He most certainly did and you willingly went along with it.
  3. He lied – He most certainly did….and you knew and you let it slide…for years. You sent a message that he heard loud and clear (I can get away with this)
  4. He wasted your time – No YOU wasted your time. The minute you got that first wishy washy answer you knew but you were too scared to push for the truth and waited and waited. 

See what I’m doing here?  You eventually come to the conclusion (as I did) that you can’t be any more angry with him than you can be with yourself….even more so with yourself because you allowed so much.

Once you make that breakthrough, that’s when you can start forgiving yourself and once you do that you can eventually forgive him for being an ass.  

Bee the only thing you can do is control YOUR responses, see the red flags and act accordingly…..you get no bitterness or resentment when you do that because you don’t get invested.  That’s the end of my self help.  Hope it does some good.

Post # 8
Member
8252 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What pps have said is true, of course. But don’t feel bad about hating what happened and feeling angry about it on occasion. A bit of anger and venting can be quite cathartic, especially if you have a woman friend who you can have the odd too many glasses of wine and turn the vent into laughing about it and her story too.

Most of us have had less than stellar relationships and exhibited poor judgement at some point  . Stay strong, but allow yourself release too. 

 

 

violetscent :  

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