- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
A little background, I had a male best friend “Jack” for several years, starting in my late teens. We were very close and I valued our friendship a lot. When I was about 20, I went through a really bad breakup. I was in a very vulnerable place and I ended up mistaking my deep, friendly love for Jack for something romantic. We ended up dating and he was very serious about me (talking about marriage almost immediately, asking me to movie in, etc) . We broke up after about 9 months because I finally accepted that I could never love him the way he wanted. He was devastated and we had a terrible breakup. I let our friendship go because I knew that seeing me would only make things worse for him. I missed our friendship over the years, but I’m really glad I ended things because 1) I found my fantastic SO and 2) Jack deserves someone who loves him as much as he deserves.
It has been 4 years since I broke up with Jack. I have been with my SO for the past three years. Jack and I are not exactly ‘friends’ but things are amicable between us. We chat on facebook every so often, but that’s about it. I feel 100% platonic toward him and am very much in love with my SO.
Last week, Jack contacted me and asked if I wanted to get together for coffee and catch up. At first I said yes. I was really excited! But then, I found myself not bringing it up to my SO every time I thought about it. This is unusual for me…if anything, I’m an oversharer! When I thought about it, I realized that I wasn’t telling my SO about meeting up with Jack because I knew in my heart that he would be uncomfortable with it. He would never tell me I ‘couldn’t’ do it, but I know he would be weirded out (as I would be, if the situation were reversed).
My SO is more important to me than rekindling this old friendship. While I know that there are no ‘bad’ intentions with having coffee, my gut just tells me it’s the wrong thing to do.
I cancelled with Jack. I am not a very forward person, so I just gave him an excuse. I am afraid that Jack is going to continue asking and I don’t want to be rude by feeding him excuses. So here are my two questions:
1) Do I owe Jack an explanation? Should I just hope he gets the hint? And if I do tell him, how do I say it without being totally rude? I don’t want to scapegoat my SO, but I also don’t want Jack to feel like I think he’s got bad intentions.
2) Should I talk to my SO about this? I don’t want him to feel like he’s holding me back from something I want…because he’s not. I just said ‘yes’ to Jack before I really thought about whether it was respectful of my relationship. I am not angry or annoyed about cancelling.
I just want to be nice to everyone, haha! Thanks for reading, I’m super long winded…