(Closed) Respecting my SO & being kind to my Ex…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think it is fine to explain to Jack why you do not wish to see him. Explain that you are just not comfortable with it because you know your Fiance would not be comfortable. It sounds like he is a nice person and would not be offended. Another option would be to go on a double date of sorts. Who knows, your Fiance could end up thinking of him as a good friend too.

Post # 4
Member
3770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Does your SO know about Jack, even a little bit?  I would ask your SO about it first.  Chances are he will have no problem with you getting a coffee and catching up with Jack, given that you explain you used to be good friends, dated, lost touch, have no residual feelings, etc.  If he’s not comfortable with it, that’s fine, but he might surprise you.  And if you ask, you will know for sure where his opinion stands 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I had a Jack in my life (I pretty much could have written your post) but the main difference is things aren’t amicable between us and I don’t think Jack would ever contact me for coffee.

That said, Fiance knows how important Jack was in my life and he knows 100% that I have no feelings or attraction to Jack, I just miss my old friend. Fiance is confident with our relationship and has told me that if I ever wanted to hang out with or rekindle a friendship with Jack, he would be supportive of it. If you think your SO might be the same way, ask him about it. Tell him what happened and tell him you will respect his opinion. At least this way you will be honest and you will know how SO really feels.

Post # 8
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Here’s what I think… and I’ve been in your situation before…

I think you need to talk to your SO about how he would feel about having cup of coffee with this guy.  Explain to him why you would want to and why it might be good for your friend but leave it open for him to feel comfortable saying no if it makes him uncomfortable… Then depending on his answer, tell your friend the truth.

If your SO would be uncomfortable maybe he could tag along and have another female friend (mutual friend preferably) tag along to make it less intimate and show him that you aren’t hiding anything.  If that isn’t ok then tell your friend that you and your SO don’t feel comfortable with the situation and that it’s best if you don’t try to get together and catch up.

I went through this with an old boyfriend/best friend, we didn’t talk much but when we did it was always really great (in a friend way) and apparently his crazy ex hacked into his facebook and saw some messages we had sent, which included a “hey we should hang out when I come home for christmas” in the context of “our old group of friends should all get together” and she took that as “I want to cheat on my boyfriend, lets hook up when I come home” and she messaged my Fiance and made up a whole bunch of stuff about it and created a huge problem… Well, Fiance expressed that he was now uncomfortable with me being friends with this guy and hanging out with him… So I sent my friend a message saying “with all that went down my SO isn’t comfortable with us hanging out…” he took it kind of hard for a while but in the end he knows that my Fiance is more important and us being comfortable and open in our relationship comes first than a now distant friendship.

If this Jack guy is a true friend he will completely understand.

Post # 9
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Why not just bring SO with you to coffee?

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