Respecting Your Elders

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

kharpe6 :  sorry I have nothing to contribute, just curious what DWIL nation is?

Post # 19
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Wow… this is crazy!  Sorry you are going through this bee!!

I had a falling out with one of my friends in middle school and my mom kept in touch with that person!  One time I got mad and told her its fine but I don’t want to hear about it and she said she’s allowed to have friend and it can be whoever she wants.  So that line in your post really hit me kind of hard.   I mean I thought that was fine as long as I didn’t hear about it.

Yeah it sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.

Though I’m very concerned about the high pedestal you seem to have your dad on.  I mean he can’t be that great if he married this type of person and THEN let her abuse you and your siblings consistently.  If he was a so great he would have protected you better from this type of abuse.  So I wouldn’t feel too bad taking his money.  Just saying.

Post # 20
Member
973 posts
Busy bee

mightbeebiased :  That truly does sound horrible and I’m sorry it’s happened for going on 30 years. It sounds like your father (and the rest of you) are just trying to avoid conflict. I know that can be painful in its own way, but choosing the conflict route only works if the other person is reasonably sane enough to empathize and desire resolution.

I do think that you would benefit from coming up with some kind of short, to the point phrase you feel comfortable using to render her powerless in terms of manipulating others in your life. For instance, with the CEO “I regret that this has happened. My mother is not well, and please know that her thoughts and actions do not reflect my own.” It’s a little embarassing and sucky to have to say, but I think it will help you prevent being so nervous about all the “what ifs”.

Schizophrenia runs in our family and trust me, no good has ever come from us confronting my schizophrenic aunt or her kids / now ex husband. It’s like trying to fight a fire with gasoline.

Post # 22
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Honestly, my first thought is that it sounds like your mother is mentally ill. My mother has a mental illness and has been hospitalised many times over the past 14 years. What you have described sounds very similar to what some of the other patients I have encountered over the years experience. I live in Australia so I’m sure our medical system is very different, but is there any way that you can have some mental health professionals come out to assess her (here we can just call the emergency hotline and they’ll send out a crisis team; these people can also request for mentally ill patients to be hospitalised if need be). I also think you need to speak to your father about this – there’s no way that he hasn’t noticed her bizarre behaviour and needs to be onboard with anything you decide to do.

As for your wedding vendors, just explain that your mother is mentally ill and may call pretending to be you. Most people are very understanding and will do what they can to accommodate you.

Post # 24
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

Would you be willing to ask the venue not to speak with your mother (or anyone) about details pertaining to your wedding? 12_Elle :  had a great way of putting it, “My mother is not well, and please know that her thoughts and actions do not reflect my own.

Post # 27
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

mightbeebiased :  Is breaking the law the only way she can be admitted to a psychiatric ward for more of a longer stay? It’s not like that in Australia – patients are admitted, involuntarily, for as long as it takes for the doctors to be satisfied that their mental state is stabilised. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help, our health systems are obviously very different and I can only go off what happens in my country.

Post # 28
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

mightbeebiased :  if this isn’t anything new, its likely not dementia. she’s attempted to steal money from you, stalked your exes/boyfriends, called the cops on your brother who wasn’t even in the same *country*, and I’m willing to bet, never apologized about any of it? She likes the attention when she’s called out, she craves the drama involved. She likes to see you hurting. I’d cut her off, completely. Meet your dad at your house, or in public settings. Tell your dad this, that you love him, but for your health you are no longer in contact with your mother. Ask him not to talk about her, and not to talk to her about you. Block her cell phone, emails, etc. The condition behind her attending your wedding is that she gets a full psych evaluation. If she reaches out to your workplace, shows up on your lawn, etc? Call the cops. Full stop.

 

Post # 29
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

Chelsuu :  DWIL Nation is the name of a group on bsbycenter.com. It stands for Dealing With In-laws. The women over there have dealt with toxic family members and in-laws for years and help people take back control of their life to where they don’t have to deal with situations like this. Sometimes it’s just to help set boundaries with overstepping family members and sometimes it’s more extreme like helping cut out and protect yourself from severely toxic family members.

Post # 30
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

There’s early onset dementia. I’m not sure what you need to do to check that out. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

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