(Closed) Responding yes and not showing

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would consider this possibly a situation of not reading directions carefully.  To me, as an invited guest, I would feel the need to contact the host of the event to tell them that I WOULD be coming.  Maybe this person misunderstood…

If you are concerned though about her attendence at your wedding, you could always wait to see what kind of rsvp you get and then invent a random question to call her and ask about and subtley ask her about her coming to the wedding.  That might give you some peace of mind. 

Post # 4
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Does this family member have a history of responding "yes" and then not showing up?  If she’s someone you speak to or see a lot maybe you could politely mention that you missed her at the shower and your hostess had planned on her being there.  Then maybe she’ll either have a really good excuse why she missed the shower or she’ll get it that you’re worried she’s not going to show up at your wedding.  This is always a touchy subject because you don’t want to blatently say "I’m spending $120/person for this wedding so if you say you’re going to be there, you better be there" but at the same time, there are people who just don’t know that it’s rude to RSVP Yes and then not show up.  As for recourse, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do other than be mad at her if they don’t show up.  And then maybe remember it for next time you’re planning a party and don’t take it seriously if they say they’ll be there.  I anticipate having a very similar problem with certain family members who never RSVP and then show up anyway.  Good luck!

Post # 5
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I would suggest checking with your venue on their policy. At the hotel where we had our reception even though we had to confirm 72 hours in advance how many meals we needed we were able to add in a couple more people on the day of. There was a couple who were flying home the day of our wedding and were not sure if they could make it. We didn’t count them in our 72-hour in advance head count, so incase they did not show we did not have to pay for them, but they were able to come and the hotel just added them onto the bill (as they did their own headcount on the night of the wedding).

There is no "recourse" for these types of guests – they’re under no obligation to attend (except for politeness). I would perhaps follow-up with them before you give your final numbers to the venue, perhaps even make up a lie such as "we didn’t get your RSVP and just wanted to check and see if you were coming before we paid for your meals" (even though you did get the RSVP and are not paying for the meals until after the dinner).

good luck!

Post # 6
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I hope she would treat the wedding more seriously than the bridal shower and manage to abide by her rsvp (if she rsvps). Will she be invited to a rehearsal dinner where you could say "see you tomorrow" and see how she responds? Otherwise, probably the best you can do is call her up a day or two before the wedding and confirm that she is coming.

Also, talk with your caterer about last minute additions to the head count. There will probably be some last minute changing (not necessarily from her), so how will you deal with this? Depending on the reaction you get from your family member, you could count her as a last minute addition should she decide to show.

Post # 8
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My friend got married right after we graduated from college. She had a very limited budget and ended up making many sacrifices on who she invited. Welp, one of the guys who came to the wedding (Church ceremony) actually decided that he didn’t feel like going to the reception. So while he went to the wedding, the "biggie" was he RSVPed for the reception and didn’t go. Luckily she had "family style" dinner and it wasn’t a big waste, but she was upset that she wasn’t able to invite a few other people she had cut from theguest list.

Sometimes people just don’t think! Is another relative close enough to her who could just say "hey, we missed you at the shower, you’ll be at the wedding right?"

Post # 9
278 posts
Helper bee

She simply might have been confused or have not read correctly that only regrets were to contact your Maid/Matron of Honor.  A lot of people don’t see showers as a really serious event or replying yes/no might not have been a big deal.  I’m sure the wedding is a totaly different story!

Post # 10
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

If you don’t get an RSVP from her , could you call or have someone call her and ask if she will be able to attend.

If she RSVP’s yes, you or someone could call her and say something like: we are happy that you will be able to attend the wedding and reception.  We will be serving [x] for a main course and want to confirm there are no dietary issues or if you would like a vegetarian meal.  I am thinking of doing something like that for family members who have a spotty attendance history.  I am hoping that it will send the message that there is a cost here and we are counting on them to show.

Good luck!

Post # 11
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

OP:  Quick question after reading your statement "I have a family member who was invited to my Bridal Shower.  My maid of honor requested that only those who were not able to attend the shower reply to her directly."

Was your bridal shower a "regrets only" RSVP?  I ask because, in my experience, it is common to have both affirmative and negative RSVP options.  If you only have a negative, I think that could be setting you up for some no-shows. 

Post # 13
2680 posts
Sugar bee

To be honest, there isnt much you can do. But I do know for myself, if I have any friends that RSVP "yes" and dont show up to my wedding (and dont have a reason), they will no longer be my friends.  It is so disrepectful to me to tell someone you will be coming to a wedding and not show up without an explanation.  If it were family, Id be ever more upset and Im sure some way or another, they would find out how upset I was, whether it be by my parents saying something or by word of mouth.

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