(Closed) rethinking friendship — bit long.. but need advice

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s selfish to want to spend the holidays with your family. For a lot of people that don’t live close, you don’t get many chances to have everyone around.

I think if she was important for you to have asked in the first place, you should at least take her words into consideration. The point of running the dates by these girls was to see if it would work for them too, right?

Since you said the point is kind of moot now, I really don’t see what the problem is, sorry.

Post # 4
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I tend to agree with iammcdibble

Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday and I look forward to spending time with my family.  I would probably attend a wedding if I was invited but I honestly would not be thrilled about it.  

It sounds like your friend was just being honest and was not trying to be thoughtless or inconsiderate.  Try not to let this ruin your friendship.  

Post # 5
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@shaeshae18:  I don’t think you have any reason to “hate” your friend’s BF. They’ve only been together for 6 months, so her friends’ wedding (and, frankly, making sacrifices for the sake of her happiness) is not going to be as important to him as your friends’ wedding would be to your FI. And you have no idea about his personal reasons for wanting to be with his family at that time of year. One of his parents could be sick and he might feel like his years with them are numbered. Or maybe he’s just exceptionally close with his family and really looks forward to those visits every year. It’s none of your business and not your place to judge him or hold a grudge over this.

I do agree that it seems selfish of your friend not to come without her BF. But perhaps she’s sensed that you dislike her BF and so doesn’t feel that great a need to be at your wedding, or wants to be loyal to him rather than you.

You asked about a date that you knew might cause some problems, received mixed feedback, and are going to change it. IMO, it’s not right to punish people for responding honestly when you asked them how they felt about a date you’re no longer even planning on. If you don’t want to be friends with her over this, I’m not convinced she’s worse off for it.

Post # 6
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well given that you are planning on changing the date… I don’t think you have any problems. If this friend has always been unsupportive then she wouldn’t change her thinking now. If she’s always been supportive, then I wouldn’t let a wedding end your friendship since it is only one day.

I get what you mean though. I had a friend that was going to marry in India and would have gotten married Christmas day our time (since India is on a different time schedule). I would have been in a foreign country and would have only known her and her immediate family but I was planning on going without thinking twice except I didn’t have the money (thanks grad school). If I did get to go I would have been sad not to be with my FI and family but it was my friend’s wedding and a once in a life time chance.

In regard to her bf… well whether you like him or not he’s not really going to care about your wedding. Plus you have no idea whether he’s telling her to go without him. I’d be irritated if he said he wasn’t going and she couldn’t either but only irritated because she’s still a grown up and can make her own decisions.   

ETA: All in all I don’t think this should end a friendship but maybe being a bridesmaid wouldn’t work. Even if she was throughly supportive it doesn’t mean everyone can come to your wedding. My FI’s brother married in Hawaii and out of his 7 brothers and sisters only 2 were able to go. When it came to my friend’s wedding in India the ones that were able to make it… well she doesn’t talk to them anymore and last she saw them it was awkward. However, we are still friends.  

Post # 7
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

agree with PP’s, you are the one being selfish.  i’m glad you rethought the thanksgiving date.  it is one of most important and looked forward to holidays for me.  i don’t really see how it compares to the 4th of July….

 

Post # 9
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

To me, thanksgiving is about family. I would likely decline a thanksgiving wedding unless it was for my sister. And it sounds like this boyfriend is important enough for her to want to spend holidays with him. That’s huge. Regardless of your feelings for him it sounds like he is sticking around. 

You asked her what shewould think about a DW on a certain date and she gave you an honest answer. I’m sorry you are upset but it sounds like this is more of a friendship issue than a wedding issue. Some people don’t like to travel without their SOs. Maybe that is what is going on.

The date is clearly a moot point now but you may end up hurting the friendship more if you don’t check this new date. 

Post # 10
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well there is your answer then. You’ve thought she was selfish before and lost contact. You chose to have her back in your life not her wanting you back. She did not think “oh, maybe I was wrong I want her back” but you seeked her out.

Like I said, if she’s been unsupportive before what makes you think your wedding would change her behavior? I’m not taking away your hurt feelings, just because it’s happened doesn’t mean it hurts any less but now you know.  

Post # 13
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I sympathise…it’s only a 6 month relationship! If my husband had a wedding to attend with the exception of birthdays or christmas I’d be fine with him going, or he with me!

One of my oldest friends had a DW in Italy and we couldn’t afford for us both to go and I was set to go on my own. In the end I couldn’t because I couldn’t get the time off from work. But as much as I’d have wished he was with me in such a romantic setting – being there for my friend would have been enough.

We had a DW and 4 people came without spouses and no one made anyone feel bad about it. It would be very different if her family had a big family get together that she missed.

Chalk it up to a learning experience *hugs!*

Post # 14
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, there comes a time in every person’s life when they start putting their SOs before their friends. I’m sure that you faced that time in your relationship before now, since you are engaged. Does it sometimes hurt our friends when we do this? Yes. But it happens.it sounds like your friend has reached that point in her relationship. And it’s great for her. I would not want to go to a DW without my FI. I probably wouldn’t have wanted to go without him when I was still a girlfriend. I’m sorry you feel that your friend is being selfish, but believe me, this was not an easy decision for her. If the friendship is no longer there, that’s fine. But don’t begrudge her making one of the adult decisions that we all will eventually make in our lives.

Post # 15
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Athe thanksgiving weekend would be a no go for me personally. It’s one ofsit and fi’s non-negotiable holidays since it is so important to us to be with family on Thursday and the days thafollow. It’s only once a year so it’s a big deal to us to miss it do I can understand why her bf wouldn’t want to. It may be a bit selfish of her to not want to be alone but I wouldn’t want to spend my thanksgiving holiday alone at a wedding with no family or even my so. If its moot point anyways now then no need to brig it up. I wouldn’t end a friendship over this but that’s your call an depends on the rest of your friendship with this girl. 

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