Retroactive Jealousy?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

softdrink77 :  is he willing to work on this so he will stop? Does he realize that he’s being irrational? He has to want to work on himself if things are going to change 

Post # 3
5583 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

This would really piss me off if I’m honest. He gets upset and has to be pandered to when HE is the one to bring up your ex bfs? And he was married before?!


Post # 6
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

softdrink77 :  How do most of these conversations start? Does he initiated them? Do you? Did his ex-wife cheat on him? I would suggest keep talking to him again and let him know how you really feel. It seems like you two have a great relationship besides this. I believe this is something that he can get over he just needs to know where to start. 

Post # 7
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I wouldn’t answer his questions. “Baby, the past is in the past I don’t want to think about that or talk about it. I love you, we are the present and the future. Let’s focus on us and things that matter.” I would repeat that whenever he asks.

No matter what he is asking about it happened it’s in the past. There’s nothing you or he can do about it so it’s pointless to talk about. There’s no good that can come from discussing them. 

If he presses you after you’ve told him you won’t discuss it ask him. You know this topic bothers you so why are you bringing it up? It’s like he want to be upset and jealous. I don’t ask FH questions about his ex’s because it would bother me. He doesn’t ask me about mine. 

Post # 8
735 posts
Busy bee

softdrink77 :  

Yes I’ve dealt with this kind of jealousy from an ex-boyfriend, and I personally consider it to be a bit of a red flag. This kind of jealousy rarely appears on its own; it is usually accompanied by other forms of insecurity or jealousy, and the pouting/sulking is worrying.

Personally, if I had a boyfriend ask me what you describe as “probing” (how probing? what kind of details does he ask for?) questions about my exes, I would put a stop to it. I’d be firm: “I’m not comfortable talking about that.” “I don’t want to talk about my ex, it has no bearing on our relationship.” 

The fact that he doesn’t respect your boundary of not wanting to talk about it and keeps pushing and finds it “weird” that you don’t want to talk about it is worrying. If it were me, I would very calmly stand my ground and not talk about it. If he keeps pushing, then you have a boundary issue.

He doesn’t need to know about your exes. The information can only hurt him. No good can possibly come of it. It’s none of his business. Now granted, you do not need to put it to him in those terms, but that is the truth of the matter. 

Post # 9
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I think this is one of those situations that is like opening Pandora’s box. No matter what answer you give him about your past relationships, he’s going to get jealous. Some people can handle talking about past relationships and some can’t. 

I would highly recommend you to recommend to him to see a therapist about it. I think his thoughts are fairly common for those who suffer from anxiety as they always think about the worst case scenario. 

You can also keep doing what you’re doing and reassure him that they’re all exes for a reason. 

Post # 11
872 posts
Busy bee

softdrink77 : Like zzar45, I would get pissed off too. I had a boyfriend like this once, and I learned a lesson. The inquiries about my previous relationships started off as curiosity, then turned into disdain for my previous relationships, then turned into a way to control me, and make me feel badly about my past, and myself. I couldn’t even glance around a room without being accused of being attracted to other guys. It was rediculous, and I ended it after 7 mos. My advice to you would be to tread lightly with this one, and keep on the lookout for signs of controlling behavior. 

Post # 12
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I would straight up not talk about it anymore. “Bartholomew, we are not having this discussion. Every time we have had it, you have been critical and accusatory. It’s unfair and inappropriate. Now let’s pick something else to talk about.” If he won’t drop it, literally leave the room/walk away until he’s ready to discuss something that doesn’t lead to a shitty, pointless fight.

Personally? Uncontrolled jealousy is a dealbreaker for me. Everyone gets jealous sometimes, lord knows, but it’s in his best interest to learn how to deal with it HIMSELF. (Also, fellow abuse survivor here, that’s not an excuse to punish you for the sins of all the people in his past.) But I agree that therapy can go a long way – I think he could use some as an individual, and (potentially) having it as a couple wouldn’t hurt. It’s normal to have fights and conflicts, just like it’s normal to have personal insecurities. What matters is how we learn to deal with them: either in a healthy, productive way or in a harmful, destructive way. It’s totally up to you two.

Post # 13
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Direct questions and details about past sexual encounters!!! Absolutely not! That’s a huge boundary issue! Definitely refuse to discuss or answer questions. If he has an issue with this move on! 

What’s his motivation for getting this information? To feel bad about himself? To be irrationally mad at you for having a past? To fuel insecurity? Does he think these are appropriate questions? It’s not! Of course if I asked Fh some inappropriate detailed question about what his ex’s and he did in bed I am going to not feel great about it. I don’t want to think about him being intimate with other people and I certainly don’t want details. Which is why I would never bring it up!

UPDATED to add. This actually reminds me of a guy I used to known lol, if his ex is a lawyer and they have a child together it’s him, RUN! Lol.   softdrink77 :  

Post # 14
3891 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I have dealt with this in a relationship that started with jealousy and spiraled into insane emotional abuse. He was also abused as a child, and had never sought any kind of therapy. He acted like he was entitled to know the answers to his “probing” questions. At first he simply seemed curious, by the end he would scream insults at me about how I was a “white trash slut”. I absolutely would not deal with this again. His actions are not harmless, they are not justified, and they are a slippery slope. If he wanted to continue in that relationship, he would be shutting that shit down ASAP including getting therapy for his past traumas. This triggers the crap out of me. I hope you don’t diminish how sketchy this is, Bee. 

Post # 15
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

softdrink77 :  This does NOT sound like someone who is ready for a healthy relationship bee.  Has he had any therapy for his issues…because honestly it doesn’t sound like it.   Do not engage in any further discussion of your sexual past….he cannot handle it.   His jealousy is a red flag and his insistence on crossing your boundaries is another. I fully expect him to accuse you of cheating in the future if you stick wuth him.

This guy has MAJOR TRUST ISSUES! If he’s not willing to get counseling to address his issues then I don’t see this relationship getting healthier at all.  He doesn’t get points for acknowledging irrational behavior if he does nothing to change it.  If your not ready to end things bee fine but he needs to be on probation until his behavior changes and you should not get too attached until he’s proven himself.  Right now he’s on his best behavior….It’ll be interesting (read as a bit scary) to see how he behaves down the road.  Fingers crossed but I don’t have a lot of hope.

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