Returning a wedding gift to toxic person

posted 12 months ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I send the check back or cash it
    Send the check back : (42 votes)
    38 %
    Cash it, send basic thank you : (58 votes)
    52 %
    Other (please explain) : (11 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    197 posts
    Blushing bee

    I would cash it and write a sincere thank you note. Gush about her generosity and how you regret that she couldn’t come. It’ll make her look as bitter as she is acting

    Post # 3
    Member
    94 posts
    Worker bee

    On the other hand, she’s probably the kind of person who would take offense at you sending the check back too, so….you have nothing to lose! I say cash the check and do something really frivolous with the money, something you know she would disapprove of!

    I feel for you, I am well acquainted with batshit vindictive relatives 🙁

    Post # 4
    Member
    148 posts
    Blushing bee

    IMO a gift is given willingly without the expectation of anything in return.   This is not a gift. Her snarky note makes that clear.  It’s either an attempt to guilt you even though she is not returning your calls or to make herself look more like a victim.  I would send it back. I would not give her the satisfaction of keeping her “gift”.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1090 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    beeanonymous0102 :  Personally, I wouldn’t cash it, but I would write a thank you note, and send it back with the note. I would feel strange taking a monetary gift from a family member who I angered, even if unintentionally. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1604 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’d send it back. Just to piss her off and prove a point 

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    338 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    G may be angry, but her gift (even the reduced amount) indicates that the bridge wasn’t burnt. I’d accept graciously and send a thank you card reiterating your invitation quandry, expressing your appreciation for the gift and requesting her attendance at the wedding. If she doesn’t accept, it will be on her. You’ll have peace of mind knowing that you behaved as a kind, thoughtful adult… and in the end, that’s all that matters. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    109 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 1995

    I have to wonder if G put a “stop payment” on that check.

    Post # 9
    Member
    5432 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    i would send a thank you card, check inside,  to ‘G’ letting her know that although her gift is appreciated if just doesn’t feel right to cash it. 

    Btw other than her going apesh*t over the fact that you didn’t invite her sons, how else is she “toxic”?

    Post # 10
    Member
    891 posts
    Busy bee

    I would cash it and donate it to some charity she would hate. Then send her a thank you note saying “thanks SO much for the check, we donated the money to ___” 

    Post # 11
    Member
    363 posts
    Helper bee

    Another option, which is admittedly passive aggressive, is to do nothing. Do not cash the cheque, do not send a thank you note. Return the non-gesture with no gesture.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    1067 posts
    Bumble bee

    Cash it and go do something fabulous on your honeymoon with it – helicopter ride, Michelin Star dinner, etc.  

     

    She sent the check, why exacerbate the situation by sending it back? Just enjoy it and forget who it came from;)

    Post # 13
    Member
    57 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2020

    I would send the check back with a thank you card saying you appreciate the gesture, but given the circumstances (i.e. I wouldn’t say it directly, but her disrespectful words about you and your fiance) you do not feel that you can accept it. I don’t see this as petty to be honest, but taking the high road and refusing to be dictated to by someone, or bought by their money. To me (and admittedly I may be reading in way too much to this!), this smacks of a power play, and I have no truck with people like this.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1234 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would’ve done this. Just do nothing. Tear up the check. No response. I would NOT take her money. You’ll never hear the end of it. Especially if she values money as some kind of status thing or as sending a message of sorts. Sending it back is just stooping to her level. So..do nothing.  

    View original reply
    j3n12345 :  

    Or alternative, write her a note saying thank you for your kind gesture, but we won’t be cashing the check. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    727 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: London, UK

    I would cash the cheque and spend it on something I know she would disapprove of 😂

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