Post # 1
Going anonymous for this one as the whole situation makes me feel uncomfortable and crazy.
A bit of background first. The women in this situation is technically my step grandmother. She is the fourth wife of my grandfather who has since passed away. My mom was not raised by and has never lived in the same house as this women. Moving forward she will be referred to as ‘G’.
My fiancé and I both have very large families and we have been together for over 8 years. When creating the guest list we listed out all of our family, friends, and coworkers. The total was 322. We did not want nor could we afford a wedding that big so we started eliminating people. For family we decided to eliminate anyone we have not both met, we have been together long enough that if we haven’t met someone clearly there isn’t a relationship there and this felt like a fair way to cut from both sides. Some of the people this eliminated are G’s two adult children and their families. They live on the opposite side of the country and I have only seen them once in the last 10 years and my fiancé has never met them. I explained all of this to G when we first sent save the dates and she was fine with that. Well fast forward to invitations going out and she is angry that we didn’t invite her sons but that we did invite my moms biological brothers who live just as far away and my fiancé has met multiple times. I guess when we talked a year ago she was under the impression none of my uncles were invited either. When G discovered that they were she called my mom and screamed at her and said some not so nice things about me, about my fiancé, and about my wedding (basing the theme, time of year, location, etc). She ended the phone call by telling my mother that she would no longer be attending the wedding because I have offended her so badly.
This week I received a letter in the mail from her telling me “Under the circumstances I will not be attending your wedding. Enclosed is a wedding gift. Have a wonderful life. G”. She included a check for $500 and I’m not sure what to do with it. For one, she told me multiple times through out the planning process that she was going to give me $1000 as a wedding gift, she is very much a person who views money as a sign of status so I know giving us half of what she promised is intentional. For two she is the type of person who will tell anyone that listens that I have wronged her and I’m sure she will say something along the lines of ‘well she took my money so she’s clearly not sorry’.
I have attempted to reach out to her but she will not answer my calls. She told my mother there is no way to make it right as I clearly don’t value her as a person if I didn’t want to invite her children.
So here is my dilemma. Do I cash the check, write a generic thank you note and be done with it, or do I write a thanks but no thanks letter and send the check back? My mom thinks I should send the check back, my fiancé thinks we should cash it and send a one line ‘thank you for your generous gift’ thank you note.
Post # 2
I would cash it and write a sincere thank you note. Gush about her generosity and how you regret that she couldn’t come. It’ll make her look as bitter as she is acting
Post # 3
On the other hand, she’s probably the kind of person who would take offense at you sending the check back too, so….you have nothing to lose! I say cash the check and do something really frivolous with the money, something you know she would disapprove of!
I feel for you, I am well acquainted with batshit vindictive relatives 🙁
Post # 4
IMO a gift is given willingly without the expectation of anything in return. This is not a gift. Her snarky note makes that clear. It’s either an attempt to guilt you even though she is not returning your calls or to make herself look more like a victim. I would send it back. I would not give her the satisfaction of keeping her “gift”.
Post # 5
Personally, I wouldn’t cash it, but I would write a thank you note, and send it back with the note. I would feel strange taking a monetary gift from a family member who I angered, even if unintentionally.
Post # 6
I’d send it back. Just to piss her off and prove a point
Post # 7
G may be angry, but her gift (even the reduced amount) indicates that the bridge wasn’t burnt. I’d accept graciously and send a thank you card reiterating your invitation quandry, expressing your appreciation for the gift and requesting her attendance at the wedding. If she doesn’t accept, it will be on her. You’ll have peace of mind knowing that you behaved as a kind, thoughtful adult… and in the end, that’s all that matters.
Post # 8
I have to wonder if G put a “stop payment” on that check.
Post # 9
i would send a thank you card, check inside, to ‘G’ letting her know that although her gift is appreciated if just doesn’t feel right to cash it.
Btw other than her going apesh*t over the fact that you didn’t invite her sons, how else is she “toxic”?
Post # 10
I would cash it and donate it to some charity she would hate. Then send her a thank you note saying “thanks SO much for the check, we donated the money to ___”
Post # 11
Another option, which is admittedly passive aggressive, is to do nothing. Do not cash the cheque, do not send a thank you note. Return the non-gesture with no gesture.
Post # 12
Cash it and go do something fabulous on your honeymoon with it – helicopter ride, Michelin Star dinner, etc.
She sent the check, why exacerbate the situation by sending it back? Just enjoy it and forget who it came from;)
Post # 13
I would send the check back with a thank you card saying you appreciate the gesture, but given the circumstances (i.e. I wouldn’t say it directly, but her disrespectful words about you and your fiance) you do not feel that you can accept it. I don’t see this as petty to be honest, but taking the high road and refusing to be dictated to by someone, or bought by their money. To me (and admittedly I may be reading in way too much to this!), this smacks of a power play, and I have no truck with people like this.
Post # 14
I would’ve done this. Just do nothing. Tear up the check. No response. I would NOT take her money. You’ll never hear the end of it. Especially if she values money as some kind of status thing or as sending a message of sorts. Sending it back is just stooping to her level. So..do nothing. j3n12345 :
Or alternative, write her a note saying thank you for your kind gesture, but we won’t be cashing the check.
Post # 15
I would cash the cheque and spend it on something I know she would disapprove of 😂