Returning a wedding gift to toxic person

posted 2 months ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I send the check back or cash it
    Send the check back : (38 votes)
    38 %
    Cash it, send basic thank you : (50 votes)
    51 %
    Other (please explain) : (11 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 16
    7613 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2019

    I would cash it and send a nice thank you note (more than just one line) and leave it at that. If she didn’t want you to have it why bother sending it in the first place. 

    Post # 17
    331 posts
    Helper bee

    j3n12345 :  This is what I would do.

    G is obviously someone who thrives on petty drama, so she will be waiting for a response on this and she will twist any response from OP in her favour. OP could write the most gracious thank you note on the planet and G would go around to everyone she knows sniffing ‘well my family wasn’t good enough to be there, but it didn’t stop them taking my money’. If you send the cheque back, that’s just adding a few more logs on the fire G would so love to keep going. So I’d do nothing and let her stew about it wondering. 

    If G were truly hurt I could feel for her – but would her grown adult children who live on the other side of the country really care whether or not they’re invited to someone’s wedding they’ve only met once in the last ten years (and the groom not at all)? She sounds like the kind of person who just looks for things to feel slighted about. 

    Post # 18
    5748 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t write thank you notes to people who scream at my mother. Women need to stop with that fake niceness bullshit. It perpetuates toxic entanglements because it’s unclean and duplicitous.

    I would send the check back and write her a letter saying “We clarified for you in advance that your sons would not be invited to the wedding. Calling my mother screaming and denigrating our wedding was not okay. Thank you for sending the check, but we’re sending it back since your wishes for us aren’t good. Take care.”

    Money is energy. I wouldn’t willingly receive energy from someone who screamed at my mother and spoke insultingly of me, my SO and our wedding. And I damn sure wouldn’t write her ass a thank you note for it.

    Post # 20
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    lifeisbeeutiful :  Personally i think that’s enough right there to claim her toxic. Her sons aren’t children so it’s not like she has to go apeshit and have a hissy fit on their behalf.

    Post # 21
    1432 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019


    Honestly $500 is way more money than the average gift for a wedding. She’s sending you that much to show everyone else up. However, it’s money. Gifted. To you. Hooray! Spend that bitch and DO NOT send her a thank-you note. Never talk to her again. 

    Or, you could send the money to me, bahaha

    Post # 24
    4737 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I would just return the check, no note at all. She’s not worth an explanation.

    I wouldn’t cash it, she would hold that over your head for the rest of your life. I would rather have an uncashed and returned check held over my head

    Post # 25
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

    I would send the check back but not with a thank you card. Maybe they have a sorry your so bitter card. Bee she talked shit behind your back about you and your fh. And sending a 500.00 check instead of a1000.00 come on, she is a bitter old women who is going to stick it to you if she can’t get her way. You invited your uncle’s and she is pissed off. Those are your mother’s brother’s I don’t care if they live on the moon. She can’t dictate and be pissed who you invite to your own wedding and who you don’t. Bye bye GG keep your $500.00.

    Post # 26
    203 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    My grandmother sounds like your’s OP, based on the update you just provided. Full of disapproval over everything. She was actually insanely rude during the weekend of our wedding, like she treated Darling Husband and I like we needed to accomodate HER for our wedding. ANYWAYS…. lol 

    If it were my grandmother, I would cash the check and use it but not send a thank you note. I realize its immature and petty but…. oh well. I just know (besides the fact I don’t speak to my grandmother anymore since the wedding) if I would see her in person again she’d mention it and be like “Oh so, did you use the check?” and I’d be like “Oh yeah! Totally we bough XYZ (insert some hobby/item/etc she’d disapprove of)” just to piss her off. 


    Post # 27
    7777 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I think I’d cash it and send a heartfelt thank you note, completely ignoring the drama she started. I’d insist on viewing this gift as a gesture of goodwill and generosity and would respond in kind. I.e., not a generic two-line thank you note but a personal one where you gush about how kind the gift was and tell her you hope to see her soon etc etc etc. Take the high road. 

    If she wants to remain bitter and angry she is free to do so but I wouldn’t fuel her fire by sending the gift back/writing a passive aggressively short thank you note.

    ETA: I know it’s the polar opposite of what I just suggested, but I also like Twilight’s idea lol. I guess it just depends on whether you want to sever ties completey with this lady, which you are definitely entitled to do. 

    Post # 28
    2465 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: NJ

    That she sent half the originally mentioned amount, is unimportant. 

    Cash the check and send her a sincere, appreciative thank you note. Not a truncated one, that is petty. 

    Of course she was wrong to be angry about her kids not being invited. But she sent a nice gift. If you snub her, you are fighting about nothing.

    Post # 29
    1836 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    beeanonymous0102 :  At the end of the day, $500 is $500. I would gladly take her money, and view it as an apology that she’d never willingly give you. When people like that give you a chance to get something, take it. Let her be out $500 and wallow in her self misery. For a thank you note, I would send a generic one from the dollar store, use whatever message is already preprinted in it, and just sign from you and your husband. Literally write your names at the bottom of the card and nothing else. I would then block her from your mind. She’s no real relation to you, and of course your uncles should be invited over your grandpa’ fourth wife’s children!!! If she can’t see that, she’s bonkers, so good riddance. 

    Post # 30
    325 posts
    Helper bee


    Personally, I am kind of a cheap bitch, so I say keep the money. 
    Even better, keep the money, buy something nice with it, laugh at the idea that someone tried to offend you  buy giving you $500. Send a cheap card, never answer her calls again, wonder how you got so lucky as to drop this crazy bat from your life and she even paid you to do it.

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