- 5 years ago
Hello fellow bees, long post ahead you are warned 🙂
I had an account here a looong time ago, but, didn’t use the email account associated to it for so long and I can’t find the password.
Here’s a little background: I have had an unstable childhood (no abuse or anything) but grew up with constantly fighting parents (verbally and would lead to physically), they ended up divorcing in a way that scarred me and scared me for probably the rest of my life (An affair with a “friend” from work, it destroyed my mother, my father left, she eventually left the country and left me too. I am an only child and was barely a teen then so I ended up living on my own.)
Anyways, in my first serious relationship that lasted 6 years, we had had a lot of issues because of trust. Not only did I have difficulty believing a man could be faithful and stay with me, but this man was also a liar. He’d lie about everything. Erasing messages from women, saying he is somewhere but then I see him somewhere else with girls etc. Never knew if he actually did cheat one day, but I ended up leaving, for multiple reasons.
I have been with this man for about 1 year now, and he is great. We hit it off instantly. He seemed honest from the getgo (and I still find him honest), little things he did without even knowing my past but that meant a lot to me like leaving his phone on the table beside mine on our first date, even when he went to the bathroom (may sound dumb but it’s small gestures like that that make you feel like you have someone in front of you that doesn’t have anything to hide, see what I mean?). Being in the car and asking me to put a song on from his phone, telling me the code to unlock it etc. I did ask him why he gave me his code when it had only been 2 dates and he said : I want to be transparent with you. I don’t have anything to hide from you. I thought I would finally be in peace for the rest of my life as I had found someone who, without even knowing it, reassured my deepest fears. Still…I found a way to become crazy afraid and being “sure” he must be lying about something.
We are in our mid thirties. He has told me by himself without me asking any questions, about his past mistakes in relationships, he was once married when he was 21 and cheated on his wife and learned 10 years later that the girl he had cheated with was had become pregnant and that he had a son (DNA tests and all confirmed.) I was obviously shocked, and the only thing that stuck in my head was that my man was one that is able to cheat on his wife.
Immediately I started panicking. I still tried to put it aside, as he could have not told me and I would have never known (I mean I would have known about the child but he could have said he had him in his previous relationship, simply, excluding the fact he was already married at the time.) I put on the count of being young and wild, as did he, as he assures me this story has left him so “disgusted” that he would not try to do something like that again. I say disgusted because it was a shock to him to learn it, the mother claimed 10 years of child support which he is still paying for today on top of the regular child support, and having a child that hates you because he does not understand why you weren’t there all these years etc.
That is not the only thing that scares me, but it opened a door that I can’t seem to close. The more he seems honest and the more I find it weird, instead of just being happy he is so open. I have already snooped through his phone and told him I have, and gotten paranoid about things I found and he explained them and it made total sense…Yet he does not change his code and continues to leave it out in the open etc. I don’t know what else he could do, and I don’t know what I can do but all I know is in my head I’m thinking ” Ok, so he is trying to make it seem like he is honest by not hiding his phone, locking it, telling me when a girl friend sends him something that may be interpreted as flirting, telling me if a girl actually does flirt etc, but in reality he must be doing all of this because he erases everything foul before coming home, or he is being unfaithful when he isn’t home etc.”
It is destroying ME, and will destroy us in the long run. How do I dissociate paranoia from intuition? I keep telling myself, I am just going to check his phone so I make sure I am not with a liar. And when I find nothing I’m still not reassured on the contrary I am certain I found nothing because all traces have already been erased.
I don’t want to see a psychologist, again. Eversince I was 14 I have seen on and off, psychologists to help deal with the anger and anxiety that resulted from my parents split. But I need to talk…I need a solution.
Sorry this was a novel and thank you to the ones that have read till the end.