(Closed) Returning bee here, in serious need of help with trust issues in relationship

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

beecome1:  It sounds like you have a good man.  They are out there.  Please reconsider going to a psychologist again.  

Post # 3
Member
1914 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

beecome1:  Not the advice you want to hear, but go see a psychologist who uses cognitive behavior therapy. They can help you retrain your thoughts, so you are not automatically jumping to a paranoid place. It really does sound like he’s a good guy who made a mistake and has learned from it.

Post # 4
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

without knowing what it is you found on his phone that is questionable I can’t tell you if your paranoid for a good reason. You have the code on his phone. He leaves it out. He’s open.  He cheated on his wife over TEN years ago.  Let that go.

Post # 5
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

BREATHE….are you taking a deep breathe ok. Cheating one time ten years ago does not a serial cheater make. Also the things we do at 21 are not usually the things we do at 31. Telling you to relax isn’t going to help with your background, if you can’t see a counselor (which I would recommend) try meditating for ten minutes a day. The problem with things that trigger childhood trauma is you react to them like the child you were not the adult you are now. If you can calm yourself when these fears arise you will be able to see if your fear is groundless or not and not let something that happened in your past destroy your future.

Post # 6
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Surrey, BC, Canada

I agree with the others about seeing a counsellor, it helped me a lot with my runaway negative/anxious/worried thoughts.

But something more immediate you could do is maybe talk to your guy. Does he know about your trust issues/fears? If not maybe tell him, “Hey this is why that story you told me (about cheating more) scared me”, mention your parents and all, and he might understand why it freaked you out. It seems like he is a great guy and he already said he wants to be transparent with you, so he would probably really appreciate you being transparent with him and sharing your fears with him. In any case, a nice calm talk that helps each person understand the other better is never bad for a relationship right? 🙂 Wishing you luck.

Post # 7
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

You need to see a therapist to help get through these issues you have. I dont think you will ever be able to move on if you dont get help and yourrelationship will suffer. This guys sounds like a good guy and you cant really hold what he did way before you over his head for reason he might do it to you. 

Post # 8
Member
311 posts
Helper bee

Simply put, you are going to create a self fulfilling prophecy if you allow these thoughts to continue. He may not cheat on you, but he will likely leave you if you continue to obsess about this. 

So you have two choices: 

be scared and anxious and miserable and lose him

or

convince yourself that he’s going to make you happy and keep him

Which sounds better? 

There are no guarantees in life. He could die next week, leave you in 10 years, or be by your side on your deathbed. Regardless of which one of those turns out to be true, would you rather look back on the time you had together and regret it being full of anxiety, or look back on it with happy smiles, knowing that you enjoyed the hell out of it while it lasted? 

You have something that some of us only dream of. A wonderful man that loves you enough to work with you on your issues. But even if he turns out not to be that man, he’s not going to be that man whether you trusted him and enjoyed the relationship, or felt anxious and mistrusting. The end result will not change if he truly is that person that will end up doing you wrong. 

Enjoy the dance, or sit it out because you’re afraid to trip and fall…choose wisely. 

Post # 9
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

This is a really tough question but I think it’s important for you to breathe (as a PP stated) and take a step back.

Really think about it, what could he do (if anything) to prove to you or show you that you can trust him 100% and that he isn’t going to cheat on you or let you down in any way?

If the answer is nothing, then I honestly think that counselling, or going back to your pyschologist. As a PP stated, one who specialises is cognative behaviour therapy would be really beneficial to you. 

If the answer is “x, y or z” then does your man know this? Does he know about your past, with your parents and how that left you feeling and with your ex who would lie to you all the time and basically just fuelled the fire by breaking your trust all the time. I think it’s important that you are 100% open and honest with him about your issues. He deserves to know why this has you so spun up and he sounds like a really great guy so I’m willing to bet that he will work through it with you.

Post # 10
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

If you’ve been to psychologists from the age of 14 then you know that there isn’t anything he can do to assuage your irrational/throwback to childhood wounds/triggers/deep seated fears. It is not his responsibility to leave his phone open, to give you his codes, or open up his life so broadly for your “inspection”. It’s really nice of him that he does but it’s not his responsibility – it’s yours to manage it.

You recognize that what’s going on in your mind are just thoughts, not facts. You also know that this is called “anxiety” and not “my SO is doing/will do something wrong/bad”. So stop putting that on him before he rightly gets tired of it and leaves you because of it. Own your responsibility to heal and control your own thoughts. Get help. Read about your condition. Try anxiety managing techniques. Do anything other than put your issues on your guy.

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