(Closed) Revenge of the tactless friend! vent/advise please

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you should chill, relax and just know that you can only do so much. Your friends aren’t the only ones going to the wedding- your family is too. So as far as you know, you will just invite those you want present- and the other person who is engaged will do the same thing. People will go to which ever wedding they can go to if they can (taking into account whether it is a destination wedding, or if they are even invited.)

Frankly, I think your friend who is taking it upon herself to inform others- is creating more angst than needed. So you need to be the mature one and just take the higher road.  Her actions will speak more for itself than if you try to go and do "damage control."there is nothing that needs to be managed. Invitations haven’t been sent out… Plus, there is no need for this kind of drama. People should just be happy for each other.

Post # 4
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I think TF is making herself look like a nosy busy-body.  Her behavior is no reflection on you.  And I don’t think you look like an insensitive jerk- especially since nobody knew about the other wedding until she called them.  I would just ignore her.

But if you really want to get rid of her, just e-mail her saying, "I know you’re so concerned about the conflict that you’re telling everyone you know all about it.  So, just to put you’re mind at ease, you don’t have to worry about coming to my wedding.  Just consider yourself uninvited.  Problem solved!"

Post # 5
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wait – do I understand correctly that your friend’s wedding is the 29th and yours is the 30th?  Are both weddings in the same town?  If so, it will be a bit challenging for mutual friends to attend both weddings, but it is still possible. Do you have a lot of mutual friends or just a few in common?  I guess you will have to wait to see what his or her guest list looks like before you will know how much of an issue this will be for you.    

Oh, and your tactless friend is a moron.  As hard as it is, try to ignore her. 

Post # 6
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - Majestic Colonial Resort, Punta Cana

Wow, tactless is right. If it were me, I’d stay out of it personally but allow FI’s best man (or someone else) to say something to her if they wanted to. She needs to know that it is not acceptable to be sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. What is she, the Wedding Police?

Post # 7
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yes, you’ve gotten some good advice and she should be arrested by the Wedding Police!  but seriously, I think you should call her up and talk to her one on one.  Let her know that it’s really not her job to go emailing all COMMON FRIENDS about the scheduling conflict.  Truth is, she may be one of those friends (I use the term friend loosely) that enjoy drama and like to be the one who sets it off..and then enjoys the attention from ALL SIDES when she just tries to be the messenger.

I have had a few "friends" like her too.

Ask her simply how it would make HER feel to walk in your shoes when you were unaware of the potential date clash?  Ask her if it would have been MORE FRIEND LIKE to simply let you contact the other not so close friend who is having the wedding on the same day and how you two might wish to handle it BETWEEN ONLY the two of you and not her?

Seriously..some people! 

Hugs to you . 


Post # 8
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I would talk to her (or have someone else do it if you’re afraid of smacking her with a mackerel…)

She needs to know that she is being rude because:a) You may not have invited everyone from "his" listb) He may not have invited anyone from "your" listc) It’s not her business to be rounding everyone up and making a tally of who is going to which wedding.

And yes, I’d uninvite her.  Because I can be really bitter sometimes, and I don’t handle drama queens tactfully.  But should you uninvite her??  Umm..no.  Imagine the e-mails she’d be sending THEN!  (But maybe send her an invite with the wrong addres…hehehehehe!)

Post # 9
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, uncool.  So this other friend who;s geting married is someone who you didn’t really know?  Wouldn’t have otherwise invited to your wedding?  (But he/she somehow is also close to other friends who migth have conflict, according to TF.)

She sounds like a drama freak.  Who needs her?  I had two close friends (and close to each other) almost plan their weddings for the same day.  They had been engaged at a point in their lives when they were living in separate states and had a period of not keeping in the best contact.   These things can happen.  So why you would run around making sure a friend twice removed wasn’t planning a wedding for he same day, is beyond me.

I wouldn’t say much to this girl.  I couldn’t blame you for not inviting her, but by not inviting her, is that putting all of the other friends in some kind of awkward position too?  If they are in fact invited to this other wedding, they might have to just choose between the two.  (Or perhaps they can somehow swing both.)  Try not to worry about it now.  It will be fine.

Post # 11
2640 posts
Sugar bee

She call herself "Damage Control", but she seems to be causing the damage. 

Anyway, you said something intersting, about talking to the OF.   I would do that.  Maybe jsut a quick conversation to say, hey you’re sorry there are conflicts and that you didn’t mean anything by it.  Hopefully that will take some of the wind out of her sails. 

I feel sorry for her.   She wants to get married and realizes she’s not getting very far.   I wonder if she realizes her personality probably has something to do with it.  No doubt she is trying to upset your happy wedding planning because she’s jealous.

Post # 12
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I actually think this is completely a non-issue.  There are undoubtedly another dozen weddings that weekend as well, even if you live in a fairly small town.  If everybody had to have their own weekend, not very many people would be allowed to get married in a year!  And you don’t have any obligation to check with everyone you know before setting your date.  Even if your wedding was on the same day as the other couple’s, as long as they weren’t at the same time people who really wanted to attend both could make it work.  And they aren’t even on the same day!  So while it might be a busy weekend for some people, I can’t see it being  "schedule conflict" for anyone.  Most of us can handle more than one party a weekend (What?  Go out on Friday AND Saturday night?  Are you crazy?)

I don’t think you have any obligation to talk to the other friend who may or may not be getting married the same weekend, or to talk to anybody on your invitation list.  You are the best judge of whether having a word with your drama-queen friend would be productive or not.  Often it is best to just ignore people like that.  For anybody who emails you about the issue, I would just respond "Yes, isn’t that great!  It’s really going be a festive weekend!"  And leave it at that.

Post # 13
7 posts

You should email the OF to let them know you were not aware of their date before committing to yours.  I’m sure they’ll understand.  And if they don’t then you shouldn’t be so bothered by it. 

 It’s hard to schedule your wedding around others, especially if you do not have much options with the dates.  As long as it doesn’t conflict with family and close friiends, I think that should be fine.  As for the guests, they can decide which wedding to attend, if not both.  TF does not need to worry about that!


Post # 14
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If you aren’t that close with the other people who are throwing their wedding on the same weekend as you, it is perfectly understandable that neither of you thought to consider the other’s wedding plans before choosing a date.  Any sane friends that you have in common will completely understand this situation and not blame either couple.  People should also understand how hard it is for a single 41 year old woman who really wanted to be a wife and a mom to watch her friends get married first, and they will understand that her crazy behavior has nothing to do with you. 

Post # 15
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It’s too bad that she’s making this all so dramatic, because it shouldn’t be a big deal. I’ve had plenty of friends juggle multiple wedding in one weekend. I’ve known people who go to the ceremony for couple A, the beginning of the reception for couple B, and then finish the night out at couple A’s reception, all in one night. Having a potential overlap over 2 nights in a row? Meh. Could be a whole lot worse. 🙂

I think it would be appropriate to drop a line to the other friend and say, "Well, heck. Looks like it’s going to be an exciting weekend for some of our friends who’ll be at both our weddings! Congrats and best wishes!" Then move on and ignore the "Damage Control" friend’s bid for attention. If she persists, hey, it’s not like they’re on the same day at the same time.

Good luck! Be strong. Ignore the drama. ^_^

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