(Closed) reverse – bad etiquette

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I am not a big fan of inviting someone who I hardly know, infact I am all for an intamite wedding. Howver I think some people may feel obliged to do so, let say inviting an x amount of people form your office and leaving just 1 or 2 out

Post # 4
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I think it’s very situationally-dependent. I’m generally of the “invite widely because it’s good to make people feel included, and let them make up their own minds about attending” school of thought, but weddings get trickier. I agree with braz’ observation about not leaving ou just a handful of people who are part of a clearly-defined group (i.e. “coworkers,” “friends from the softball team,” etc.) At the same time, a wedding invitation to someone you don’t know well can be seen as an imposition or a gift grab … it’s a judgement call.

Post # 5
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i think it depends on your wedding budget and local culture.  I will probably feel obliged to invite co-workers because they know about the wedding, but they are having an evening invitation for the party rather than all day.  I want to keep my day guests to close family and friends only x

Post # 6
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think it’s bad etiquette to invite someone you don’t know that well, but I do think it’s a bit odd.  Odd isn’t the same as being bad etiquette though.

 

Post # 7
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

One of the many over-simplifications that websites and magazines communicate about “wedding etiquette” is that a black-and-white distinction exists between “good etiquette” and “bad etiquette”. That simply is not the case. Etiquette is a syntax for communicating via social behaviour. One can communicate a great many things at many different levels, by adjusting behaviour accordingly.

High formality tends to go along with exclusivity, refinement and a delicate sense of privacy. Inviting near-strangers sets a different, non-exclusive and less refined tone. At a public party, or one that approaches being a public party because of the breadth of different guests invited and the host’s limited ability to vouch for those guests, one must be prepared for a broad range of behaviours — including behaviours that some guests may find obnoxious or offensive. Obviously that is going to detract from the general aura of elegance as perceived by those guests.

So, while it is not simply “bad etiquette” to invite all and sundry, it is generally seen as less refined than a more exclusive guestlist would be.

Post # 8
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yes, I think it’s a gift grab. Even friends that I see monthly didn’t invite me to their weddings and I didn’t invite them to my weddings. Weddings are for close friends and close relatives. People who will support the marriage for the rest of your lives. This is my personal viewpoint though and obviously people have different ones, otherwise there wouldn’t be 300 person weddings.

Post # 9
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I had a co-worker a few years back who invited me to her bachelorette party 2 days after I got her invitation.  I thought it was all weird, but she had been going through a hard time, recovering from alcoholism, had recently lost a bunch of friends.  At the party she was talking about how pretty her wedding invitations were “With the bow and the pretty liner and calligraphy!”  Mine was with no bow and no liner and no calligraphy.  Needless to say I did not attend this wedding when I was so clearly a C, maybe even D list invitation. 

 

I don’t think it’s bad etiquette to invite people you aren’t as close with (just weird), but I DO think it’s bad etiquette to last minute invite people. 

Post # 10
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree that it’s strange to invite people on the fringes of your social circle. I think people feel obligated to invite them. What do you do about cousins you see once every 5 years?

Post # 11
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I was invited to a wedding for a girl who worked for the same company as me but in a different office. I thought it was weird bc we only hung out 1or 2 times at a work related event and I didn’t know her at all. However, I went and had a great time. I didn’t purchase a gift for her though bc I couldn’t afford it at the time and I didn’t know her. Looking back, I should have purchased her a gift or put a small amt of cash in a card but I didn’t know at the time.

Post # 12
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

@louanneandmike:  I think it depends a lot on your individual family. We are a big and somewhat far-flung family, and I have dozens of cousins. Some of them, I see all the time, others I rarely see – but in our family it is absolutely 100% expected, even taken for granted, that they will all be invited, and it extends in some cases out to second cousins. They probably will not all be able to come, but the invite is practically a foregone conclusion.

My FI’s family is very different. The lines he and his parents drew for who to invite were quite a bit narrower. Fortunately, though, everyone seems to be cool with the idea that my family does things our way, their family does things their way, and each side is just going to roll with it and see who accepts their invitations. Part of getting married involved merging families, and merging traditions.

Post # 13
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

As previous posters have said it depends. I barely know my parents friends, but if they weren’t invited it would be rude because they know my parents so well. (Of course, that’s in my family culture.) However, if I sent an invitation to a good friend from high school that I reconnected with at our ten year reunion, but haven’t seen since then… I think it would be considered a “nostalgic” invite, because technically she was a part of a group of current friends that will be invited. If I invite someone that I worked with a few months and knows no one else there, but we were friendly while we worked together, and chat when we run into each other… I think that might seem odd. 

But in general, unless it someone where there is known antipathy in the relationship I wouldn’t feel like it was rude to be invited, I would just think, “oh they’re so happy and want to share that with everyone they know and like.” Especially since I can always say no and a gift isn’t required.

I think it would be more awkward to be invited to a shower actually.

Post # 14
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If I don’t know someone that well, then they certainly don’t know me well. Why would I want them there to celebrate in our lifelong union? We only invited people who would move the stars in order to come. People who, if they don’t come, we would be sad. 

We sent one curtosy invitation to 1 aunt who has cerebral palsy and is elderly, knowing she couldn’t come buy knowing she’d cherish the invitation. 

I’m stunned when people reel off their wedding stats and they’re along the lines of “300 invited, 200 yes, 100 decline.” You have more people declining to come to your wedding than I have invited! 

As PP say, small, intimate, selective weddings are formal, big “Invite your mom’s coworker’s sister” events, less so. 

Post # 15
Member
8472 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wouldn’t do it either.  I know my current co-workers only 9 months, and didn’t think to invite any of them.  I just think that they’d feel weird, ya know.    I did, however, think about inviting my boss.  But I’m way over the number of invitations I planned on sending out. 

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