Post # 1
My husband and I do not do this to each other and I’m missing it!
First, I used to do this to him until he basically told me to forget about it because I don’t seem to enjoy it. Yep, I can’t breath. He likes it when he lays down and I’d rather he sit so that I am upright. He watches porn and those girls are gunho he tells me. Lol
Second, my husband going down on me has not ever been the greatest. I tried to give him pointers and that was a turn off for him. I hate wasting time even with that so yeah I probably should have been more patient and let him figure it out. Well after 2-3 attempts when we were dating he hasn’t done it since.
Third, he thinks a 69 is the only fair way to try it again and he wants me waxed. The 69 will have the same breathing issue. Plus how can I enjoy myself when I am working hard to please him? I have gotten two Brazilians since we have been married trying to entice him and he didn’t even touch me there. Waxing my vagina is painful. I like hair, so this was definitely for him. And I just don’t believe him that he won’t leave me hanging again. He really isn’t into giving my nether region attention besides using his penis.
He isn’t into foreplay besides kissing. I want a more full intimate experience and think oral sex should be apart of it. He’s open to different positions just not a whole lot of other things that do not involve his penis and my vagina. We have discussed our gripes before: him noticing I am not always into sex and me sharing I want more. More touching all over. Our sex convos do not get heated or spill over in a negative way in other parts of our relationship.
Advice on how to add back oral sex for both of us would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 3
@CurlyCue: It suuuucks that you’re made to be the “one that is less into sex.” You’re less into sex because you know what you’re missing. And I would be upset if my husband kept comparing me to women he sees in pornography (a) being “gung ho” is their job).
Don’t get a Brazilian if you don’t want one. Ugh. Another example of a dude with unrealistic expectations cause he watched too much porn. Yet he doesn’t want to go down on you? He needs to just grow up and take your direction and not see it as an insult.
So I would:
A) Take some time where you both feel turned on to practice going down on ONE person. I think you should go first cause it sounds like he got more attention than you did over the years. This is learning time and should go on for as long as it takes.
B) The *next time* you practice on him. I hear you on the breathing thing, but do you come up? You don’t have to be down there the entire time. Take a second to breathe and switch to your hands, look up at him, etc.
C) If he’s so into porn there are plenty of videos on how to perform oral. Start watching them together. Point out what you think you would like and not like. Have him practice while you watch.
D) As far as the shaving thing, whatever. You can shave your labia and trim to make it more pleasant but the full brazilian wax may not be for you. Does HE shave?
Post # 4
@Syzygy88: thank you, thank you these are all good tips
A) we actually agreed we should practice and have fun learning what turns each other on and low and behold three intercourse romps later and no practicing. Initially he seemed genuinely interested in making sex more enjoyable for both of us. The new roadblock is the wax.
B) I will admit I am out of practice a bit, but I do all of the things you mentioned. He has unrealistic expectations of how long I should be down there without needing to switch to manual stimulation. I have used all my tricks on him and if I am not on it the entire time he thinks I am not into it. Oh and he thinks I should do it til he comes, but he prides himself on resisting the urge to come quickly. That is a buzz kill. I do all this and he still won’t get off. Any help with that?
C) he keeps turning me down with watching porn together. I have started watching it by myself because he’s into it. I ask him what he does when he watches it. No answer. Maybe he doesn’t want me to see him get turned on or something. I don’t care I think that would be a great way for us to start and involve less kissing on my part. the other day he mentioned a few porn stars by name. I could check them out and after discussing them he may be more open to watching together. Right now he thinks I’m an amateur porn viewer.
D) he does shave. He does it for himself though.
Post # 5
He shouldn’t compare you to porn actresses. Those women are paid to look like they are enjoying sex.
It is troubling that your husband won’t listen to your suggestions on how to be a better lover and he isn’t into foreplay.
Perhaps you would be more enthusiastic about sex, if your husband took the time to consider your sexual needs. Most women need foreplay and caressing to be able to enjoy sex.
I think your husband’s attitude towards sex needs to change, before any real improvements can happen.
Post # 6
COmparing your sex life to porn is just unfair. I mean, those women are given money to pretend to want what men supposedly want. Porn is also, because it is viewed by more men than women, not surprisingly geared toward men and focused on their pleasure only. I mean, when’s the last time a porn video concentrated on the female orgasm? Porn isn’t a reality though, and it’s not what a healthy relationship looks like. To be blunt, there’s more to a marital sex life then making his penis feel good, and he needs to realize that.
Post # 7
@PositiveThinking: I must say I had not really thought about my husband comparing our sex life to the fantasy that porn was an unfair comparison. I will have to think about this some more and how this may/is actually affecting our sex life.
Post # 9
@CurlyCue: “B) I will admit I am out of practice a bit, but I do all of the things you mentioned. He has unrealistic expectations of how long I should be down there without needing to switch to manual stimulation. I have used all my tricks on him and if I am not on it the entire time he thinks I am not into it. Oh and he thinks I should do it til he comes, but he prides himself on resisting the urge to come quickly. That is a buzz kill. I do all this and he still won’t get off. Any help with that?”
Dude that is a tough one. He gets off on lasting a long time. You might have to take advantage of that. Like, finish him with penetrative sex but in a very knowing way. Go down on him for a while to where he’s really into it and then just climb on top of him…? I don’t know. It’s hard. Stubbornness in men is annoying haha.
“C) he keeps turning e down with watching porn together. I have started watching it by myself because he’s into it. I ask him what he does when he watches it. No answer. Maybe he doesn’t want me to see him get turned on or something. I don’t care I think that would be a great way for us to start and involve less kissing on my part.”
I’m the amateur viewer in my relationship too. He watches it A LOT. I definitely do not. Maybe I’m more innocent but my imagination is healtheier haha. So, here…I would suggest scaring the shit out of him. Like, get dressed up. Heels, tights. And let him find you watching it. And be very sweet and “invite him” in. This might freak him out. Unfortunately, I think that men sometimes want to separate out their “dirty” fantasy women from their “real” wife-y women. Maybe the problem is that he isn’t comfortable eroticizing you and treating you like the women he watches in porn. Now, obviously, respect is paramount. BUT, I remember reading something somewhere that was just a God send: If you can only sleep with one man for the rest of your life, then BOTH of you need to be willing to please one another and be the best lover you can be. Leave no stone unturned! So seduce him. He may resists somewhat, but just blow him away. They love variety.
I hope this helps somewhat. It’s a sticky situation and NO ONE has a perfect love life. You seem super sweet and I hope it works out!
Post # 10
@CurlyCue: Also! If he’s very visual – like into porn – and you’re going down on him and it’s monotonous…try posing. Like (and this sounds awful) but think of yourself like a stripper. In control. Sexy. Pull away from him. Bend over, “perform.” And see what happens. This isn’t for always, ’cause nice, emotional sex is great. But as sexist as it sounds, men are very visual. And they don’t care if you have a big stomach or chunky thighs. Just wear sexy underwear and lock eyes with him. Haha, sorry :$
Post # 11
Can you two see a sex therapist? Honestly, your husband’s flagrant disregard for your wants and needs (and his warped perceptions on how you should be pleasing him, and the fact that he is making this all about him and his pleasure) is rather troubling. Is he like this in other aspects of your life, or is he just squeamish when it comes to sex? Are you his first sexual partner? I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Oh, and for the record, I haven’t met ANY real life human who finds 69 truly pleasurable. Some enjoy it alright, but agree that it is certainly not the best way to pleasure-town. I find it incredibly distracting, and hard to get the angles right. Your husband really needs to be more open-minded. I’m sorry he is making you out to be the one who’s not interested in sex, when in fact you’re making your wants and needs very clear to him (he’s just ignoring them).
Post # 12
@CurlyCue: Use your hand so you arent deep throating him all the time. If you, put your hand in front of your mouth and make it an extension, withh a lot of lube or saliva, move it up and down at the same pace as your mouth.
Tell him he has 5 or 10 mins to finish. If he doesnt by then, tough luck, you are done. Either finish with regular sex or even just walk away. The man needs to know that long oral session are not appropriate.
Try this book Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man.
Post # 13
This may be TMI, but I hate waxing/shaving that area. I get horrible razor burn that is mildly better with waxing, which hurts like a bitch. So my compromise is that I keep everything well trimmed. Give that a shot and see if that works for him.
It sounds like he’s been watching too much porn and is desensitized. I don’t mind porn, in general, but it is very well documented that if you watch it too regularly, you desensitize yourself so you have to watch more hard core, then get desensitized to that, etc. I think this may be part of why he’s skipping foreplay.
Take more charge. You want more foreplay, draw it out. Don’t wait for him to do things to you. Take the lead. You want to be kissed all over? Start with kissing him all over. And it takes two to tango, so don’t go there until you’re ready.
I’d give the 69 a try. I, personally, am with you and don’t like them. But you don’t know until you’ve tried and the you can say you tried. Again, take the lead and just go for it. That might open up new oral options, even if the 69 doesn’t work out so well.
Post # 14
Regarding your lack of foreplay: for us oral is a once-in-a-while, especially crazy night thing, but normal everytime foreplay is all about the manual stimulation. That gets me ready and in the mood faster and better than anything else.
Making giving oral more fun: to me the simple thing is to use your hand and your mouth at the saem time. This way you don’t have to deep throat it to make it feel satisfying. I’ve never had breathing problems doing this. Also, we often do this as part of foreplay, but don’t take him the whole way there. Benefit there is that you are just doing it for a few minutes, and when he gets really excited he can get a bit more active.
Post # 15
@CurlyCue: read your OP and updates and honestly, I really think the biggest, most concerning problems stem from your DH attitudes surrounding sex. I strongly suggest addressing those first and foremost.
First, he paints you as less interested in sex than him (essentially putting some sort of guilt/blame on you). He then refuses to do (or even try) things to help you become aroused. Its a fact that women need more physical and psychological stimulation to become aroused. He’s shooting himself in the foot here, i think that if he was willing and able to do those things for you, you would be much more interested in sex! (I know I would!!). I’m sad for you that you’ve made it crystal clear to him what you would like him to do/try, but he is unwilling to even consider it. Relationships are about compromise, and sexual relationships are no different.
And it seems like he has unrealistic sexual expectations from watching porn (blow job marathons, waxing, etc). Porn actresses are not accurate representations of how women behave and enjoy sexual activities. We’re all different and enjoy different things. Your husband doesn’t seem to recognize or respect that. You should do what you’re comfortable with, and if you don’t go “far enough”, it doesn’t mean you aren’t enjoying sex or that you don’t love him, its that you respect your own personal boundaries (and he should do the same).
I would strongly recommend seeing a sex therapist, because unless your husbands selfish, uncompromising attitude about sex changes, I don’t think any sort of blow job technique will please him. I think having a third party help mediate and help sort out desires and feelings and provide suggestions would be more effective, because it seems that your husband is ignoring your (perfectly legitimate and reasonable) requests.
Post # 16
@lookingforadvice77: no, for the most part he is very kind and considerate. The only other aspect of our life where he’s super stubborn is dealing with my family/ his MIL/ FIl. The feeling is mutual, so that doesn’t bother me.
We have both had several partners, so I know what I am missing 😉 If I listen to his college buddies tell it my husband had women fawning over him and he had his pick. I think that is part of the problem. He hasn’t had to step out his comfort zone to get or keep a girlfriend.
@KoiKove: How does lube taste? You mentioned using that with manual stimulation. I find if I switch to my hands he doesn’t like it because it gets dry quickly. I wouldn’t mind switching off mouth hand mouth etc, but is the lube going to taste bad or be toxic? I don’t want to set up my giving on a timer necessarilyñ but I like the idea of having an end in point without me just saying “that’s enough! ” playing music could give me an end- songs over time to switch up. Good tip.
@cbgg: I would almost give up my quest for oral if he was into manual stimulation. He really does not know what he’s doing and he makes no attempts. He says he hasn’t ever had to do it before and is jsut not into touching me there. Oddly enough when we first started dating he plugged up the other hole.
@JenGirl: He asked me if I wanted to keep a landing strip as if waxing was my idea! I’m going to get waxed this Friday and have it taken all off. I’m so over this being a point of contention.
@Syzygy88: These are really good ideas. I have a plan of action forming in my head.
To those that brought up sex therapy…oh that’s one of the many things my loveky husband said was on the table when he was courting me. Sure, whatever we would need to do to make our relationship work! The tune quickly changed and he thinks any and all problems can be solved within our relationship. Knock on wood we don’t have many complaints/ problems and he has been right we are very good problem solvers. This is the only sticking point. I am not ready to broach the idea of bringing an outsider in just yet. I have some great tips here I will try first and a new perspective on how to view my problem, which well help us solve it I’m sure.