(Closed) Riddled with doubts

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

How much time have you spent together so far in real life, in person?

Post # 4
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think it’s a huge step to make that kind of move for someone.  That said, what if you don’t move in together.  Since he’s wealthy, perhaps he can help you find a place, etc.  I think if you had your own place, you wouldn’t feel as much pressure as you are currently feeling.

re: your career – what kind of field are you currently in?  Unless it’s highly specialized, I would think you’d be able to find work in CO.  Although, you’d loose whatever network you’ve currently created.  People move and recreate themselves all the time; I wouldn’t let that hold you back.

Is there a reason he can’t move to MA if he’s willing to pick CO?  How did you come up with that location?

Also, since he is the one with finances, I’d think it would be wise to have him come visit more often before you pack up and leave.  Would that be doable?

Have the two of you talked about marriage?  Is that something either one of you want?

I’m sorry that everyone in your life is being negative about it, but I’m sure you also know they are concerned about you uprooting your life for someone they haven’t had a chance to get to know.

Post # 5
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think that your friends and family are probably just worried about you, and they raise some valid points.  You are definitely in a difficult situation.  Here are some things I think you might want to think about, if you haven’t already.

Is there any reason that you can’t wait until you have a job lined up to move to Colorado?  What is the rush?  If he is wealthy, can he move to Mass?

Do you really love him?  How long have you been in a relationship with him?  (I may have missed this in the post).  You said that you would be “moving in together without really ‘knowing’ each other.”  That makes me worry a bit.

I think you should take your time, but in the end, you really just need to do what is best for you.  Really think about it.  

Post # 6
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’d be a little concerned about making the move without more in person time and hopefully the chance to line up jobs, etc on the other side.  Moving in with somebody is a huge step, and if you haven’t spent a lot of time actually together, it might not work out as well. I am thinking about things like knowing the different nuances of each other’s behavior, and that sort of thing.

Just be safe and smart.

Also, regardless of what you do, we bees will support you!

Post # 7
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand how tempting it would be to drop everything for what could potentially be the love of your life. But there are obvious problems with what you are considering, most importantly your financial security should anything go wrong with the relationship. In my opinion, if he really loves you and wants to take the next step, he should not encourage you to put so much on the line and start a new life totally dependant on him. The fact that you will be depending on him for finances might actually damage the relationship more than you can predict at this moment. Even though you have been ‘dating’ for years, you havent’ actually been together in a normal relationship for that long so it will still be a very new relationship when you move together.

My thoughts are if it’s meant to be and if he loves you enough, he will come to you at least for a while until you two are comfortable enough to move forward like that. Like you said yourself, you are only 22 so you have plenty of time there is no rush. I didn’t start dating my Fiance until I was 26.

Post # 8
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s very smart of you to consider this decision logically before actually packing up and moving. Here are my questions:

1) How old is he? How well do you know his background/family and that he has no dark secrets/psychological issues, etc himself? I would be worried about your safety moving so far away with a man you don’t really know. 

2) Why Colorado? Is living in MA or FL possible? 

3) Why now as opposed to having him visit you or fly you out to visit more often?

4) Are you comfortable with leaving your life behind from a personal standpoint? Often couples who know each other very well get married and move to a new town and it is VERY hard on them. No family, friends, or support network of any kind. Now in that case they at least know they have each other. Here, you are not 100% sure about this guy and he would be everything you have. 

Anyway, I can’t say 100% without more info, but I think that it is possible to let this relationship develop without taking this huge step together, and that’s probably the best thing for you to do. 

Post # 9
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hmmm.. this is a little bit of a scary situation. Could you maybe start by visiting him in Colorado on weekend, etc. You could then get to know him a little better while looking for a job at the same time. Maybe once you have a job then you’ll know you can support yourself if things don’t work out. Also if you aren’t working, what about bills, spending money, etc. Money creates a lot of issue between couples and are you comfortable asking him for money since you aren’t working?

Post # 10
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’d give it some more time. AS someone who was in a long distance relationship for a few years, it really changes your relationship. All the email/phone talks are nothing compared to how you react in person. There is a grace period of “wow this is awesome” when you FINALLY get to see each other.

Why can’t you continue to date and see each other for 6 more months and reevaluate?

If you THINK you are being blindsided….then trust your gut. If he has money to buy you gifts, he has money to buy you plane tickets. My husband and I saw each other every 4-6 weeks when he got back. I can totally understand why your family and friends are worried about you.

I worry greatly about you becoming so financially dependent on someone you haven’t met in person/seen their lifestyle/etc that you could be setting yourslef up for some frustration in the future.

Post # 11
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Why move to CO?  Did he get a new job there, and was planning the move anyway?  If he wants to be with you, could he just move to Mass?  I like the suggestion to look for your own job in CO first.  I would also suggest getting your own place.

He might be a fantastic guy.  But from your post, it sounds like you don’t even know him well enough to decide that for yourself.  You don’t want to find yourself in a new place, isolated from your whole support system.  Meanwhile you are basically completely dependent (at least for awhile) on someone who is pretty much a stranger.  I would suggest taking this situation a little more slowly.  Nothing wrong with taking the time to make sure this relationship is right for you.

Post # 12
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Hum.  This is tough.  How much in-person face time do you have under your belts?  Would it be possible for the two of you to live apart for a few months after relocating?  Was the idea to move to Colorado yours or his?  Have either of these visits included interaction with your or his family?  Do you know why his previous relationship ended?  How does he talk about his most recent ex?

I think you say it best when you indicate your worries about moving and potentially sacrifcing your career at such a young age.  If you want to move to CO, move to CO – but do it for yourself and not on someone else’s dime.  This guy may be the one for you, and if he is he’ll be more than understanding of your need to make your own road for a little while before making the big, official marriage commitment.

Post # 13
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Good luck!  Sorry, it’s a tough decision when you’re thinking about these chances.  Is there any special reason you picked Colorado?  It seems like you might feel better about things if you had a job lined up that was a good step for your career.  And I think that would be really wise.  You’re young and it might be a bit early in your relationship to give such a big sacrifice (move without a job).  Especially since he’s the one with money and you’re not.   If things don’t work out and you want to establish a career I think having a job before you move is very very very important.  Also giving yourself time to apply might just be the time you two need for you to figure out whether these second thoughts are telling you something important.

Post # 15
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Would it be possible for him to pay for job hunting expenses?  That is, he covers plane tickets for you to fly out to do interviews, etc. until you find a position?

Post # 16
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2010

The main reason that online relationships progress is because the person on the other end is not revealing themselves 100% to you. Not in a dishonest way but he could be sitting in his underwear, farting or picking his nose while chatting with you online and you’d never know the difference. Put the two of you in the same room together for 2 weeks and these things will reveal themselves and they may be so annoying to you that it is a deal breaker.  I for one would never relocate for anyone unless I was already married to them or if I had planned on relocating before I met him. It’s a bad idea and your friends and family are right.  If he’s anxious to relocate, have him relocate to MA for a year or two and get to know him in person. Everyone is the ideal mate for the first year and then you start to really know them, good or bad. If he is an understanding guy, he shouldn’t mind moving where you live now for a year or two.

The topic ‘Riddled with doubts’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors