(Closed) Right now I feel like I can only turn to the hive.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

It doesn’t sound like your Fiance is overstepping his bounds… he has very valid points. My mother has always been really good at not over stepping me when it comes to my son.. but HAS at times brought to my attention when I was letting my stress effect how I talked to him.

I think first and foremost you should really stress to your parents that if they disagree with something you are doing/not doing then it needs to be taken care of/talked about out of site of your daughter.. I’m sure they wouldn’t have like it when you were little if someone did that to them, and they should be able to understand that.

I would also stress that just b/c you aren’t good/very disciplined in something that doesn’t mean you should let your daughter get away with it (with realistic bounds that is) I mean I’m terrible at keeping things organized but that doesn’t mean I let my son throw his stuff all over the place. lol

I think really you’re just going to have to be firm with your parents, and it doesn’t have anything to do with your FH but your stance as a parent, although they do need to learn to respect your loyalty to him (which after the i do’s goes before your loyalty to them)

Sorry you’re dealing with this and sorry for my looong response. lol

Post # 4
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I dont understand what it is your mom would be seeing. Of course he has a right to be upset – the decisions are supposed to be between you and him – not your parents. BEcause I am finishing off university and my husband is in the military and has to go into the field for a couple weeks at a time, our son is staying with my parents. We have had the same issues about them stepping in. I am grateful for their help – but in the end it is our child. Sometimes when you are in a situation where you have to move back in with parents you take on the role of the child and it can be difficult, but you have to step up and figure out what is best for your family (you, Fiance, and your daughter). Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh honey. You have to stop stealing my posts, changing a few words then publishing it as your own. 

 My mom believes she is my daughter’s “second parent”  since she doesn’t have a “dad” around. I cannot wait to move out.

Post # 6
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Holy smokes, everyone is placing you in the middle and you are trying to please everyone with their expectations of you!! OMG!!!! I am stressed just reading about this. That would drive me nuts.

Two things:

1) Immediately have a family meeting with your man and parents. Reiterate the initial agreement (that the PARENTS agreed to) to not intervene in your parenting or your life as a couple if you are to live there. Say that already these requests have been broken and you have been unfairly placed in the middle by everyone and it needs to stop. You are trying to raise a daughter by your standards as parents and any intervening is taking 10 steps back. You don’t need anyone listening in on your conversations with your fiancé and offering their 2 cents — you two can handle it. And you don’t need fiancé saying you should have done this or that because you are doing the best you can under the circumstances!!!!! Restate that you need:

a – to be allowed to parent as you see fit without intervention

b – to be allowed to discuss things with your fiancé openly without worry of who is listening in and what they will say

c – to be taken seriously and respected in these requests.

2) If things do not improve or the conversation doesn’t go well, you need to suck it up and move. The only way you can exist is if you are in a happy home. If you aren’t, no matter how much $$ you are saving won’t make a lick of difference if you are miserable having to deal with this stress day in and day out.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t really have any advice, I just wanted to offer my support.

It sounds like you really are “stuck” right now between your parents and your Fiance.

I would say try to keep parenting your daughter as you see fit, but also try to keep the peace.

Maybe go out to dinner with you Fiance (so you are away from your parents) and discuss how you will handle life/parenting while you live with them for the next 7 months or so. I am assuming you can move back out after the wedding?

You and your Fiance may both need to “bite your tongues” for a bit, but at least this is a temporary situation.

Post # 8
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Oh, so sorry you are dealing with this. I cannot imagine living with my folks or my in-laws so kudos to you for making it through two minths.

 

I totally see your point on the parenting thing. She is your daughter and ultimately, you have to live with the parenting decisions you make and what rules are or are not enforced. Even if you stay thre until your wedding, eventually you & your little family will strike out on your own and you shouldn’t have to struggle with bedtime or discipline because your parents or anyone else allowed her to get away with things you would not.

I think you need to sit down with your parents and tell them how thankful you are for their hospitality and generosity, but that as long as you are neither neglectful nor abusive, they need to respect your parenting style and respect you as a person, which IMO includes not chastising or insulting you in front of your child.

I’d also make it a point to close the door and turn up the TV or stereo when discussing things with Fiance in the future.

As for seeing a new side of Fiance, maybe he is feeling the stress of the living arrangements as well? Keep your eyes open and if possible, make talk to a counselor or call the National Domestic violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-SAFE and talk with someone ther or visit their website for some insight on emotional abuse and then decide about Fiance.

Sending you hugs & wishing you luck!

Post # 9
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh honey… You’re not -not- seeing an ugly side of your fiance, but you are unfortunately seeing an ugly side of your parents. They’re being awfully passive aggressive, which says to me that something deeper seems to be going on with them. I would recommend sitting down and have a conversation with them both to try to see what’s really going on. It might be worth it to try and find a different place to stay though – because the last thing you want is for them to undermine you as a parent, or undermine your relationship with your fiance. Nothing good can come out of that hostility they’re showing.

Post # 10
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

The first thing that comes to my mind is if the wedding is that much of a financial burden, you should cancel it and get married by a JOP or something.  I think you said you could live comfortably without the wedding expenses…?  To me, a wedding would not be worth the strain that your current living situation is putting on your family.  

Post # 11
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry you are feeling stressed– *hugs*. It can be so tough after an experience with an abusive relationship, no matter how long ago or how much you’ve changed since then, to trust your instincts again. Good luck with talking things out and deciding what is best for you and your family! We’re here for you at the hive always. 

Post # 12
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m sorry. You and your Fiance have every right to control how your daughter is raised- your parents are overstepping their bounds.

Post # 13
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Your Mom is way out of line, and so is your Dad. Don’t let your mom convince you that this is a problem with your Fiance when really, your parents just refuse to respect you as a parent. That’s all I got from it anyway — they are being the laid back grandparents but they are undermining YOUR parenting, which is way more important. I think your Fiance is right. (And your mom was snooping….)

I know it sounds like a horrible fate, but I think moving in to pay for your wedding wasn’t the best idea in the first place. The whole “have the wedding you can afford” concept comes to mind. If you can’t have a HUGE reception, then don’t. It doesn’t mean you can’t get married to your Fiance or even have a nice wedding.

Post # 14
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I have to agree with JenniB…it seems like this is a lot of stress in your living situation, trying to be parents together and, basically, husband and wife (even if you’re not officially married), all while living in your parent’s house. I could imagine it getting to be a pretty big strain on you, because of your parents still trying to parent you and your daughter. I imagine it’ll probably be a strain on your Fiance, too. Definitely try to work things out with your parents and set some boundaries, but if they keep overstepping those, it might be time to consider other living options.

Post # 16
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

My mom was the same way… beat first talk later (if at all) BUT over the time that she’s seen me parent my son she’s grown to really respect that I talk things through with him and don’t jst start swattting.

Hopefully, your parents will grow to admire that same thing in seeing how you and your Fiance raise their grand daughter 😉

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