(Closed) Ring bearer "drama"

posted 5 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: Opinion on ring bearers:

    Do it! It's super cute and entertaining to watch a 5 year old walk to the aisle for 30 seconds.

    Eh, ring bearers are not necessary but a cute addition that no one will remember.

    Ring bearers are gratuitous bullshit, mainly because your wedding is in 39 days what the hell?? :)

    Elope. Just elope.

  • Post # 2
    Member
    2626 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I guess I’d ask yourself is this battle really worth fighting?  The wedding is for both of you, so if this is something he’d like, maybe compromise and go with it?  There were definitely things I did not want included in my wedding, but for the sake that it simply wasn’t my wedding alone, I had to give in on some things.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1639 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    I actually just kind of think that if it matters to your finace, I’d do it. 

    We had an aisle runner. I HATED the idea of an aisle runner (I, also, wanted 20 people on a beach, then settled on a small wedding- 40 people- 60 max; 100 people later, we are married!). The aisle runner mattered to fiance. Not sure why, he couldn’t really articulate it. But, we plan to get married just this one time and he wanted an aisle runner. Not the hill I planned to die on. It didn’t hurt me to walk on the (stupid) aisle runner. And, unbeknownest to me, it provided some comic relief when they could not unroll it properly.

    You are already having the wedding. I had to be careful, as I realized that I had a knee-jerk “no” to anything that seemed to wedding-eee, too much of a production, etc. (ie: cake cutting, champagne toast, first dance, bouquet toss, garter, etc.). I realized that we were having a wedding already and that some of those details mattered to fiance. We did a first dance- it was awesome (part way through, our immediate family was invited up to dance with us- his surprise concession so I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious- most of them missed the announcement, though!). The cake cutting was fine. The toasts were short, sweet,a dn to the point. One made people laugh (his brother). One made people cry- I kid you not! (my son!). The wedding was amazing.

    Good luck!

    Post # 4
    Member
    766 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    houstonsweetcorn:  The ring bearers and flower girl were one of the easiest parts of the wedding, there really wasn’t much for us to handle on that front, and they just walked down the aisle.  They were DH’s niece and nephews, and he is really close to them, so that was something he really wanted from the start.

    I agree with PP that I don’t think this is a battle worth fighting, personally.  Other things, like the garter toss (ick) would have absolutely been worth fighting for to me, but this just seems so innocuous and easy that I think you probably need to dig a little deeper to figure out why it bothers you if you really want to put your foot down about it.

    Edited to add: also, I don’t really know that I would put this in the category of “entertainment”, because it is such a small part of the wedding.  I suspect it falls more into the “tradition” category to your fiance, and he is having trouble articulating that or thinks that you will say no to something if it’s just for the sake of tradition.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  goblueca.
    Post # 5
    Member
    289 posts
    Helper bee

    If it matters to your man, I would just compromise. That is what marriage is all about. It would be good practice for you on something that matters to you both.

    P.S. I really dislike all the wedding stuff too…I feel guilty saying it but it’s just not my thing. Think I missed the bride gene. I am too busy working on all the emotioal work of a an impending marriage ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 6
    Member
    4810 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    houstonsweetcorn:  Personally I don’t think the guests need to be entertained during the ceremony.

    And, a 5 year old ruined our short ceremony by twirling up and down the aisle and making a huge scene in front of everyone.  It was horrible.  So, I am somewhat biased against 5 year olds.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    2730 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I was a lot like you planning our wedding. I didn’t care to have any of it. No garter/bouquet toss, didn’t want toasts and all the bells and whistles. Literally told the florist “Pick something in these colors. I trust your judgement”. The more I was forced to focus on details, the more I just wanted to elope.

    However… I don’t think ring bearer is something worth getting upset over. If he was asking to add 7 more adults to the bridal party, or even if he wanted all 3 of his neices/nephews in there, I would understand it feeling overwhelming/production-y and wanting to put my foot down. But one nephew? Eh, I’d let him have this one. You have to keep in mind that this is your FI’s day too. If he really wants his nephew, his specific family member, I’d let it happen (now, if he just said ‘I want a ring bearer but you need to pick a kid” I’d say no). It’s 10 seconds of a kid walking down an aisle. You won’t even care the day of, I promise.

    Post # 8
    Member
    9575 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    It’s fluff sure, but it’s a way to include a young family member in the wedding which is fun to look back on as they grow up and one day have their own wedding. if your Fiance wants it, I say let him! It’s not going to hurt anyone! 

    Post # 9
    Member
    2180 posts
    Buzzing bee

    This wouldn’t be the hill I’d want to die on, but calling 20 seconds of a five year old walking in a straight line “gratuitous bullshit” tells me there’s a lot more going on here than just the ringbearer issue…

    Post # 10
    Member
    626 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2016

    I personally feel like you should only have children in your wedding party if you have specific children you want to include. I don’t think you should scrounge up a flower girl or ring bearer just to have one. (We are having a flower girl but no ring bearer. Flower Girl is FI’s god-daughter, so we wanted to include her.) 

    There are multiple children of appropriate age in your families, so unless he has a particular child he would like to have as ring bearer, might this create some ill feelings re: one child being chosen but others not?

    Post # 11
    Member
    1887 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I find that sometimes men can have more traditional ideas about weddings, because they haven’t been exposed to modern wedding ideas in the same way that we have.

    I’m not into the pomp & circumstance of a ring bearer, either, but realistically, you’re probably going to be “backstage” while it happens, and your Fiance will be the only one of the two of you who actually sees the kid walk down the aisle. So, why not just let him have it? I agree with a PP that this sound like a potential recipe for drama, though, if he chooses one kid over another to be a ring bearer. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee

    The amount of pushback I would give to him on this would correspond to the amount of money, anxiety, and planning work it would take me to implement. In otherwords, if my Fiance could get this ring bearer thing sorted out seamlessly with no cost, work, or major re-organization needed by me, it probably wouldn’t be a hill I’d die on. 5-year-olds can be pretty darn cute. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    299 posts
    Helper bee

    My first thought was the same as PP re: drama over picking the 1 nephew over the other 2. Will the 7-year-olds feel left out? Will your FI’s 1 brother be upset his offspring weren’t included? I’d raise these concerns with your Fiance. Men have a tendency to overlook these sort of potential issues.

    Otherwise, I’m on the fence. I want to agree with PP that it’s not such a big deal if it’s important to your Fiance, but on the other hand I can’t help but feel children of all ages are unpredictable and even though 5 should be old enough to follow instructions, sometimes they go off script. I am a little bit of a control freak, so the potential for that happening would really bother me. I also think that a lot of wedding traditions are flat-out stupid and pointless, so all the fluff stuff you are saying you dislike, I dislike as well. Like you, I have strong opinions and feelings about doing something that feels disingenuous just because it’s tradition or what is expected, so I’m actually leaning on your side with this one.

    Raise the potential drama/hurt feelings concerns to your Fiance. I really think those are valid. Hopefully he doesn’t come back and suggest 3 ring bearers ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Post # 14
    Member
    7546 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I’m of the mind that the grooms are so overlooked in wedding planning that when one feels strongly about something, he should be able to have it. The wedding is aallllll about the bride; the groom is just the poor guy who’s being brought along for the ride. It’s not expensive, you don’t need to have a child of your own or change your child attenance rules, and it’ll last all of 30 seconds. Putting up with a kid walking for 30 seconds is a small price to pay, if it makes your groom happy.

     

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    7546 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    View original reply
    Astra:  lol wut? was the 5-year-old shouting racial slurs whilst twirling? Did she hit Great Aunt Sadie in the face, causing her glass eye  to pop out and roll away? Did she bite the officiant?  I’m dying to know how a little kid makes a wedding ceremony horrible. I bet it is some crazy story!

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