Post # 1
Help me understand my Fiance, or help him understand me. 🙂 Feel free to be honest – I’ll clarify anything if anyone wants more details.
We had a short engagement 5 months – and having a 160 person wedding in mid-March. Kids are invited and lots are attending. Our only wedding party members are my 3 siblings and his 2 brothers – all over 21. I was always someone who thought they would have a small wedding – maybe even the courthouse with dinner after. We are doing a much more “traditional” wedding, except as we are both not religious, we are just having a very short, simple, ceremony at a hotel, followed by a big blow out reception with live band at the same hotel. I have no nieces or nephews, but Fiance has 3 – a 5 year old with a 7 year old brother, and another 7 year old.
Fiance has started wanting a ring bearer. His only argument that he is articulating is that the 5 year old is cute and it will provide something cute/fun/entertaining for our guests during the ceremony.
I am having a very visceral reaction to this. I don’t have any desire to have a ring bearer. I feel like it is making more a “production” out of the wedding – which I am already not super comfortable with. Note – I am an extrovert but for some reason this wedding stuff is just TOTALLY not my cup of tea so it is not the public nature of it – its more that I am a people pleaser so feel like everything for the wedding is already trying to please people. To be perfectly honest, I really dislike (or hate) most wedding stuff – we are not having a garter toss, I told the florist that I don’t care which of the 3 pink flowers she showed me because they look alike to me, etc. To me, the ring bearer is gratuitous bullshit – I don’t want to offend anyone but I have no connection to this concept. It makes me uncomfortable, and I can’t even understand why I feel like this. (If this was our son, or my Fiance son, I would be on board! It’s the whole “making it fun and entertaining for guests” that is killing me on this one.) I keep going back and forth between – it’s a kid walking down the aisle for 30 seconds so just do it, to what the hell? Why do you have to have it during the only part of the event that I am trying to make truely “us”.
Anyone have any thoughts on helping resolve this? Fiance is at this point fine not having one but I think he is disappointed. He said that after I said, I am disappointed you are pushing something that makes me very uncomfortable for the entertainment of our guests, when we can do anything during the reception you want that is fun and entertaining.
Post # 2
I guess I’d ask yourself is this battle really worth fighting? The wedding is for both of you, so if this is something he’d like, maybe compromise and go with it? There were definitely things I did not want included in my wedding, but for the sake that it simply wasn’t my wedding alone, I had to give in on some things.
Post # 3
I actually just kind of think that if it matters to your finace, I’d do it.
We had an aisle runner. I HATED the idea of an aisle runner (I, also, wanted 20 people on a beach, then settled on a small wedding- 40 people- 60 max; 100 people later, we are married!). The aisle runner mattered to fiance. Not sure why, he couldn’t really articulate it. But, we plan to get married just this one time and he wanted an aisle runner. Not the hill I planned to die on. It didn’t hurt me to walk on the (stupid) aisle runner. And, unbeknownest to me, it provided some comic relief when they could not unroll it properly.
You are already having the wedding. I had to be careful, as I realized that I had a knee-jerk “no” to anything that seemed to wedding-eee, too much of a production, etc. (ie: cake cutting, champagne toast, first dance, bouquet toss, garter, etc.). I realized that we were having a wedding already and that some of those details mattered to fiance. We did a first dance- it was awesome (part way through, our immediate family was invited up to dance with us- his surprise concession so I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious- most of them missed the announcement, though!). The cake cutting was fine. The toasts were short, sweet,a dn to the point. One made people laugh (his brother). One made people cry- I kid you not! (my son!). The wedding was amazing.
Post # 4
The ring bearers and flower girl were one of the easiest parts of the wedding, there really wasn’t much for us to handle on that front, and they just walked down the aisle. They were DH’s niece and nephews, and he is really close to them, so that was something he really wanted from the start.
I agree with PP that I don’t think this is a battle worth fighting, personally. Other things, like the garter toss (ick) would have absolutely been worth fighting for to me, but this just seems so innocuous and easy that I think you probably need to dig a little deeper to figure out why it bothers you if you really want to put your foot down about it.
Edited to add: also, I don’t really know that I would put this in the category of “entertainment”, because it is such a small part of the wedding. I suspect it falls more into the “tradition” category to your fiance, and he is having trouble articulating that or thinks that you will say no to something if it’s just for the sake of tradition.
Post # 5
If it matters to your man, I would just compromise. That is what marriage is all about. It would be good practice for you on something that matters to you both.
P.S. I really dislike all the wedding stuff too…I feel guilty saying it but it’s just not my thing. Think I missed the bride gene. I am too busy working on all the emotioal work of a an impending marriage 🙂
Post # 6
Personally I don’t think the guests need to be entertained during the ceremony.
And, a 5 year old ruined our short ceremony by twirling up and down the aisle and making a huge scene in front of everyone. It was horrible. So, I am somewhat biased against 5 year olds.
Post # 7
I was a lot like you planning our wedding. I didn’t care to have any of it. No garter/bouquet toss, didn’t want toasts and all the bells and whistles. Literally told the florist “Pick something in these colors. I trust your judgement”. The more I was forced to focus on details, the more I just wanted to elope.
However… I don’t think ring bearer is something worth getting upset over. If he was asking to add 7 more adults to the bridal party, or even if he wanted all 3 of his neices/nephews in there, I would understand it feeling overwhelming/production-y and wanting to put my foot down. But one nephew? Eh, I’d let him have this one. You have to keep in mind that this is your FI’s day too. If he really wants his nephew, his specific family member, I’d let it happen (now, if he just said ‘I want a ring bearer but you need to pick a kid” I’d say no). It’s 10 seconds of a kid walking down an aisle. You won’t even care the day of, I promise.
Post # 8
It’s fluff sure, but it’s a way to include a young family member in the wedding which is fun to look back on as they grow up and one day have their own wedding. if your Fiance wants it, I say let him! It’s not going to hurt anyone!
Post # 9
This wouldn’t be the hill I’d want to die on, but calling 20 seconds of a five year old walking in a straight line “gratuitous bullshit” tells me there’s a lot more going on here than just the ringbearer issue…
Post # 10
I personally feel like you should only have children in your wedding party if you have specific children you want to include. I don’t think you should scrounge up a flower girl or ring bearer just to have one. (We are having a flower girl but no ring bearer. Flower Girl is FI’s god-daughter, so we wanted to include her.)
There are multiple children of appropriate age in your families, so unless he has a particular child he would like to have as ring bearer, might this create some ill feelings re: one child being chosen but others not?
Post # 11
I find that sometimes men can have more traditional ideas about weddings, because they haven’t been exposed to modern wedding ideas in the same way that we have.
I’m not into the pomp & circumstance of a ring bearer, either, but realistically, you’re probably going to be “backstage” while it happens, and your Fiance will be the only one of the two of you who actually sees the kid walk down the aisle. So, why not just let him have it? I agree with a PP that this sound like a potential recipe for drama, though, if he chooses one kid over another to be a ring bearer.
Post # 12
The amount of pushback I would give to him on this would correspond to the amount of money, anxiety, and planning work it would take me to implement. In otherwords, if my Fiance could get this ring bearer thing sorted out seamlessly with no cost, work, or major re-organization needed by me, it probably wouldn’t be a hill I’d die on. 5-year-olds can be pretty darn cute.
Post # 13
My first thought was the same as PP re: drama over picking the 1 nephew over the other 2. Will the 7-year-olds feel left out? Will your FI’s 1 brother be upset his offspring weren’t included? I’d raise these concerns with your Fiance. Men have a tendency to overlook these sort of potential issues.
Otherwise, I’m on the fence. I want to agree with PP that it’s not such a big deal if it’s important to your Fiance, but on the other hand I can’t help but feel children of all ages are unpredictable and even though 5 should be old enough to follow instructions, sometimes they go off script. I am a little bit of a control freak, so the potential for that happening would really bother me. I also think that a lot of wedding traditions are flat-out stupid and pointless, so all the fluff stuff you are saying you dislike, I dislike as well. Like you, I have strong opinions and feelings about doing something that feels disingenuous just because it’s tradition or what is expected, so I’m actually leaning on your side with this one.
Raise the potential drama/hurt feelings concerns to your Fiance. I really think those are valid. Hopefully he doesn’t come back and suggest 3 ring bearers 😉
Post # 14
I’m of the mind that the grooms are so overlooked in wedding planning that when one feels strongly about something, he should be able to have it. The wedding is aallllll about the bride; the groom is just the poor guy who’s being brought along for the ride. It’s not expensive, you don’t need to have a child of your own or change your child attenance rules, and it’ll last all of 30 seconds. Putting up with a kid walking for 30 seconds is a small price to pay, if it makes your groom happy.
Post # 15
lol wut? was the 5-year-old shouting racial slurs whilst twirling? Did she hit Great Aunt Sadie in the face, causing her glass eye to pop out and roll away? Did she bite the officiant? I’m dying to know how a little kid makes a wedding ceremony horrible. I bet it is some crazy story!