(Closed) Ring Blackmail

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 18
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

agree and then never take his last name

 

A+ idea in my opinion

Post # 19
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

@alaha:  Honestly, why would you want to marry someone like that? I know guys who it was really important for their wife to have the same last name. Do you know what every one of them did? They proposed with the ring their wife wanted and discussed it like adults. In some cases the wife changed the name because it was that important to her husband. In other cases she didn’t. However, I doubt any of them would have stayed around to call his bluff. If he loves you and respects you he would not try to manipulate you like this.

Post # 20
Member
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

I have always said I would keep my last name. If SO said this to me I would tell him to f’ off, and then go and buy a fab RHR for myself! Or better still wear it on my middle finger to really drag attention to it when I am holding it up to him! lol. 😉

Post # 22
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@alaha:  regardless, I feel like this is a bad start. It is manipulative whether he intended it to be or not. 

Post # 23
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@joya_aspera:  Yup. 

Seriously though OP while name changing is traditional in some cultures at the end of the day it’s up to no-one but you if you change your name (though your FI’s opinion counts for more than the general of course) if it’s important to you try articulating why. I don’t see why it has to be all or nothing, I find that pretty childish. Double barelling and a ring you both like seems a sensible compromise. Has he considered taking your name? 

Post # 24
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you don’t want to change your name, stand your ground.  Screw the stupid ring.  

Post # 26
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

If you don’t take his name there’s no ring at all? But you get a ring (and the one you want) if you do as you are told and take his name? Something is not right here. Do you ever worry that he will be this directive after you get married? As in, ‘do I as I say and here’s your reward’? I don’t know, if you are so unhappy at losing your maiden name, is a big ring really worth it? I think you need to think carefully about how this will continue after you are married. I am sure there’s a man out there that will let you keep your name or at least hyphenate it AND would be delighted to get you the ring that you want. 

Post # 27
Member
6386 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

So let me get this straight, a large ring is really important to you, but changing your last name is really important to him.  You want what is important to you, without having to give him what is important to him.  So now, he’s blackmailing you to get what is important to him.  This doesn’t sound like the beginning of a good marriage.

Post # 28
Member
682 posts
Busy bee

[content moderated for name-calling]

Post # 29
Member
5545 posts
Bee Keeper

TBF, I actually did this to my OH…

He doesn’t want to wear a ring. For me, it’s really important; he won’t be changing his name, so the only ‘outward’ symbol that he is married would be his ring. And petty as it sounds, that is important to me. It also bugged me that he didn’t want to wear one, because he would be upset and annoyed if I didn’t wear one; so I felt it was a double-standard.

I didn’t particularly want to change my name, at all; I don’t particularly like his last name, and he isn’t from a close family, and I’m not close to his dad, who’s last name I’d be taking (his parents aren’t married). But, my OH really wanted me to take his name.

So, I proposed a compromise: if he wore a wedding ring, I would take his name for the most part (keeping my maiden name professionally). If he didn’t wear one, I would keep my maiden name, and use the title ‘Ms’.

He decided he’d wear the ring lol.

So, I actually don’t see it as some awful piece of blackmail; it’s about both of you compromising. It is up to you to decide what matters most: big engagement ring, or keeping your name. You have the choice.

Would keeping your maiden name professionally be an option?

Post # 30
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

[content moderated for snark]

Post # 31
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@alaha:  Keep your last name, buy yourself a ring. It’s your name, no one should be manipulating you into changing it. Ridiculous.

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