(Closed) Ring Blackmail

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 32
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

@womanofsubstance:  If OP’s serious, don’t be so quick to wish for it. A boyfriend who sees topics such as which last name he and she will go by after they are married as a “business negotiation”… and a rather inflexible one at that… “the ring of your wildest dreams or nothing at all!” (btw that sounds like more of a “payoff” or “bribe” to me than a true negotiation among equals) …is certainly not now, and perhaps not ever going to be, good fiance material.

OP, if you’re serious, your thread title said it all. “blackmail” and “engagement” should never go together.

Post # 33
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The whole concept of this deal is kind of ridiculous. The fact that he is holding the whole idea of a big diamond ring over your head so that you will change your last name if you marry him and you will get the huge diamond. There are so many other more important things that the two of you should be concerned about like the reasons why you are getting married in the first place. There shouldn’t be conditions placed on love to begin with, whether it is changing your last name if you marry or getting a huge diamond engagement ring. Love is supposed to be unconditional and I would never marry a man if he put that kind of pressure on me or such conditions on me to begin with. And no offense, but a big diamond isn’t everything. I don’t think setting up such conditions to begin with is a great start to a marriage like PP posted. There is so much more to marriage than conditions set beforehand, a big diamond, and changing your last name.

@mamadingdong:  Frankly, I think both parties are being manipulative to a point. 

Post # 35
6386 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

“blackmail” and “engagement” should never go together.

@joya_aspera:  +100000000

Post # 36
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I really feel like women should be able to use whatever name they want.  But,in this scenario, I kind of see it as why should he stick to tradition and buy you a ring if you don’t want to stick to it and take his name?

Post # 37
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Keeping my own name, a bigger house, and college funds for our children are more important to me than a 4+ ct ring.  There’s just so much more that the money can go to. 

Post # 38
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


Post # 39
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I actually can see where you are both coming on this one and, unlike som other bees, don’t hink you or your guy are being mean or childish. The situation as I see it

  1. You refuse to change your name even though he wants you to (your name, your right to change or not)
  2. He refuses to buy you a big ring even though you want him to (his money, his right to buy or not)
  3. Neither of these are deal breakers for either of you in the relationship.
  4. He says how about a trade?

While this isn’t really the way my fiance and I work, I can see the logic behind it. I think what most bees aren’t getting is that he isn’t holding this over your head. He does not want to buy you this ring, especially something so expensive. But he is willing to compromise on his position, but is hoping you will compromise on your position about the name change.

Just a matter of how you look at things.

All that being said. I say keep your name and buy yourself a ring. Maybe use his name socially, since it seems important to him. 

Post # 41
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Which is more important…the ring or the marriage?  You can’t marry a ring, dear.

Post # 42
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

In my opinion the reason it can’t be a fair deal is because one is very much commoditized (a very expensive diamond), and the other cannot be (one’s own last name). In a way, he wants to buy something unbuyable. I couldn’t agree to it because it would make me feel “cheap”. (funny word, I know, because of course it would be quite expensive, but I would feel he tried to treat me with less than the full respect I deserve.) 

What jewelry item could you bribe him with to get him to change to your name? If that’s a concept he only finds amusing but would never really consider (and perhaps he knows it is no real threat that you would suggest this, because you couldn’t afford to buy him matching 3 carat diamond cufflinks? Imbalance of financial power seems like a factor here), he knows that a name ought not be traded for a monetary good. 

Post # 45
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lovelylight99:  I disagree with your post. (Well not all of it.) While love MIGHT be unconditional, the choice to value it above stability isn’t always a good one. If this man can provide a good life for OP and it is in her opinion a good business decision, good for her. I love my Fiance but we wouldn’t be together if I didn’t think he would be able to take care of us if it came to that. 


View original reply
@alaha:  I’m not sure if this has crossed anyone else’s mind but… Let him propose with no ring. Get married. Keep your last name. Use your new combined bank account to buy yourself the ring you want. Just a thought.

And since you are on the bee I’m going to assume you are familiar with mossanite but in case you aren’t and would rather have big bling for reasonably cheap in comparison:


Post # 46
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@joya_aspera:  +1!!! just say no to blackmail + engagement!

If the guy truly loves you and wants to make you happy, he would get you the ring of your dreams with no strings attached.  As for the name changing, that’s something that you both need to discuss as adults and try to reach a compromise.  If it’s that extremely important to him, then maybe you should consider the pros and cons of what would happen if you did take his last name.  I plan on keeping my last name but the future kids will be taking his last name.


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