Post # 47
@Jewelieee: I agree.
i couldn’t have my kids have a different name to me though. I liked FI’s name and was ok taking it after careful consideration. If I’d come down on the double barrelled side though I would have wanted them to have both even if they chose just to use one themselves that’s their choice then 🙂
Post # 48
This whole thing is rediculous. He is holding something of monetary value over your head to get something that he wants?
How would he feel if you witheld something he really wants until you got what you wanted? Heck, why not just say “no sex for you until I get my ring”?
Seems like a fair trade to me, based on the original barter. Since when does a relationship involve that? Compromise, yes. Bartering, no.
Post # 49
@joya_aspera: I disagree. I don’t think the fact that you can put a dollar value to one thing makes that thing less valuable. She wants one thing and he wants another and they need to find a compromise – which it sounds like he is trying to do.
OP, I don’t think your BF is being mean or childish or blackmailing you. I think he’s trying to compromise. I don’t think it’s fair to get everything you want while he gets nothing that he wants. Relationships are a two-way street. Why should he sacrifice his money on something he deems unnecessary but means a lot to you if you are unwilling to sacrifice and do something that means a lot to him.
Post # 50
@RunsWithBears: i don’t think this is a reasonable compromise. Meeting in the middle would be fairer and not involve as much possibility for bitterness. If I’d sold my last name and felt pushed into it, or to be fair, had to buy a whopping 4ct rock to get my fiance to do what I felt was an important symbol I’d be pretty…peeved. To me the best compromise is when both parties meet in the middle, this to me seems a bit “well let’s both be miserable then”
Post # 51
@Anardana: True. I’m not saying it’s a good compromise, just that the BF is trying to compromise. But I also don’t see it as the OP selling her last name. To me, it’s simply a matter of 2 people wanting something the other is doesn’t really want to give/give up. It doesn’t matter if it’s a ring, name, apartment, living location, or favorite chair. What matters is how important said thing is to the person. One person cannot have everything while the other continually sacrifices.
Perhaps what might be best in this situation is to find something other than the last name that is important to the BF. Has he been wanting anything else? New golf clubs? Special vacation? To move to a new house/apartment? What about any other wedding related stuff?
Post # 52
[content moderated for name-calling, personal attack]
Post # 53
Setting up a precedent for him being able to bribe you with diamonds isn’t actually as good as it sounds.
Besides, any 4ct diamond that isn’t complete bullocks is going to be at least $85k. With the halo, my ring is about the size of 2ct, and even though I do not have small fingers, it’s impractical as hell.
If he is actually wealthy, you’d do a lot better to invest that money! I am generally the last person to say “It’s silly to want a ring when you could put that money toward a house” or whatever like some bees. But I do think that there is a law of diminishing returns. Also, if you have size 5 or smaller fingers, you risk it looking fake or tacky, or nouveau riche. Sorry, but it’s true. If people might think that anyway, you might as well just get an asha and save your cash.
Or tell him you aren’t the sort of lady who can be bought, and buy your own ring. If he makes lots of money, you probably do, too. You don’t have to be a man to buy yourself a pretty diamond.
Post # 54
@jmaze: +1. But the question would be “how come you decided to take his last name after you said you weren’t going to” not “why didn’t you take his last name.”
But I agree with the context of your statement. I had a paragraph typed up but I just couldn’t even because I think this is ridiculous lol. If she is going to go against herself just for an insanely huge ring (I love huge diamonds too but I don’t even think i’d want my buying me a 4+ carat ring) then that’s something she has to live with.
Post # 55
Are you uaware that a Good quality diamond around that size is over $130,000 ?
3.78 Carat G-VVS1 Very Good Cut Round Diamond / Price:$138,370
5.00 Carat F-VVS1 Very Good Cut Round Diamond / Price:$320,240
Good luck to you if he is that weathly to spend the money on a ring for you. Hope this litlte fight over a last name is well worth it.
Post # 56
Kudos to you for being honest though!
Post # 57
This sounds like a great basis on which to commit yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives….
Post # 58
@alaha: are you two already home owners and vehicle owners?
Post # 59
@jmaze: my thoughts exactly.
Post # 60
I think it’s not a fair trade. If he’s serious, then that’s quite manipulative. You SURE he’s serious? He might be just trying to convince you using this tactic, but has no plans to actually follow through.
An engagement is serious stuff, so I would be rather irked if this sort of thing happened to me.
I don’t think you should change your name if you don’t want to, though. Personally I’m happy to take my future husband’s name. My last name belongs to my father and in no way do I want to be associated with him!
Post # 61
Just a thought: all surnames are patriarchal as we take our fathers’ names at birth. I’m not saying you’re wrong to want to keep your name. I double-barrelled mine because my family roots are important to my identity. But there really is no way out of the patriarchal name thing. Even if you took your morher’s name, it probably came from your grandfather.