(Closed) Ring Blackmail

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 63
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like a good deal to me!

On the other hand, my husband tried to make a deal with me and I flat-out refused to play that game.  He proposed with a bigger, more expensive ring that I had expected (though not 4 carats, geez!) and we’re happily married.  No extortion.

Post # 64
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@BlondeBee:  +10!  Yeah, OP, this situation is mad sketchy.  Loving, mature adults don’t “compromise” this way; he’s holding his money over your head (because it wouldn’t matter if he proposed with no ring, if you could go buy it yourself).  

Post # 65
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

On James Allen, the cheapest round diamond above 3.85 carats is $36,000 and is a K SI2, so that’s as cheap as it gets.

I think your name is a really personal thing — luckily my fiance has a better last name than my maiden name, so I feel like I’m “trading up.” I can totally understand not wanting to change your name.

Post # 66
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

I did after five or six years start using my maiden as a first, and took his last name. It was THAT important for me to keep, and I just didn’t want to hyphenate. Thankfully surnames are more common now as given names. I’ve never legally changed it. It was always important to my husband to take his name, but he let me be myself. My reason shouldn’t have even mattered, but it was because I was one of the last with the name in a dwindling family. Kind of unusual compromise, but anything’s possible. If you split the difference, will you get a 2 carat? (genuinely just kidding)

Post # 67
Member
3146 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have a vintage ring from the 1920’s. You are going to be hard pressed to find a vintage ring that is 4 carats, unless you are ok with 4 carats TOTAL WEIGHT. Back in the day, not many people had single stones that big.

Here is an example of a vintage ring from where I got my ring.

Just under 3 carats total weight, $42,000

http://www.tinyjewelbox.com/diamonds-engagement/engagement-rings/vintage/center-diamond-ring.html

 

 

Post # 68
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@alaha: I totally get being attached to your own name. I didn’t want to give mine up either and wasn’t going to take his at all but I do think there’s something about sharing a name that says ‘team’ and that’s my favourite thing about being married…we are definitely a team. I do like my new double-barrelled name and I’m so glad I went diwn that route although it’s long and not everyone would enjoy dealing with it on a daily basis!! I love it though. It is genuinely unique and there’s no danger I’ll ever stumble on someone else with my name. I do still get people calling me all sorts of weird things as they either can’t or refuse to learn my new name but I’m pretty relaxed and even that just makes me laugh. 

I don’t really have anything to add about the carats…except that you could lose a whole 2carats and I’d still think you had a huge ring. You could go down to 1 carat and I’d still think you had a really substantial ring. Mine is .70 centre stone and is based on an antique ‘target’ setting so it has a ‘halo’ as they’re called now. Antique rings weren’t generally huge. I’m a massive antique jewellery buff – I think the great thing about them is their style, not necessarily their size. Maybe there is a way to get something you love and wouldn’t change, without having to give up your name. 

 

Post # 69
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

@joya_aspera:  +1

View original reply
@alaha:   This situation is ludicrous. What else is he able to buy from you after he buys your name? Just buy your own ring, or a fake ring if you can’t afford a real diamond, and rock it.

Post # 70
Member
1204 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - parent\'s backyard

@SoupyCat:  What else is he able to buy from you after he buys your name?

that’s what I was thinking. I agree with PPs that this is manipulative. 

Post # 71
Member
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

@loonyloo:  Not necessarily – let me use myself as an example.

I’m very proud of my last name and my Fiance isn’t particularly proud of his, so he’s taking mine.

I’m proud of my last name because I chose it. I always knew I could change it if I wanted, because I was born with one, and my mother changed it to a different one when I was a child.

I felt I had 3 choices in last name: My birth father’s, my mother’s maiden name, and my step dad’s. Three families, three sources of identity. I deliberated hard, for years. Finally, about 10 years ago now, I was sure: I chose my step dad’s last name, because he and his family fully adopted me and treated me as one of them. The other two families did not do me such a high honor. I was proud of this last name, proud to belong to this family. (Conveniently, this is the name my mother had changed mine to when I was a kid, so no need for the hassle and money to do another legal name change.)

That is the name my FI and my future children are taking on. The name that I chose. The name of the family that took me in and loved me and nurtured my spirit as 100% one of their own, even though we have no blood in common.

Men were involved in this last name, but that doesn’t make it patriarchal.

Post # 72
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

@joya_aspera:   Men were involved in this last name, but that doesn’t make it patriarchal.

I love how you put that!!

Post # 73
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@joya_aspera: sounds like you did what was right for you. Great. I don’t really want to get into a semantic argument as it seems wholly unnecessary…patriarchal as in it came down the male line. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that application of the word. I wasusing OP’s terminology in any case. Hope that clears it up for you as you seem to have taken umbrage with my definition!! I like your solution though. Each to their own, which was precisely my point.

Post # 74
Member
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

@loonyloo:  If it came down the genetic male line, it would actually be my birth father’s last name. Because I chose it based on the family I was proud to belong to (not just my step dad… male and female family members), I wasn’t really “taking the name from a male” from my perspective. They all got it from a male, yes, but I got it from all of them – males and females.

Even in the case that I took my birth father’s last name, at the point where I gave it to my husband and/or children, the male line is broken…I’m clearly a female part of the line… it is now both genders. It doesn’t have to be all-female not to be patriarchal.

Post # 75
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@adoc86:  haha….great idea!

Post # 76
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@cmbr:  “On James Allen, the cheapest round diamond above 3.85 carats is $36,000 and is a K SI2, so that’s as cheap as it gets.”

Not to be nitpicky, but that just isn’t true. James Allen definitely isn’t the only diamond vendor there is! Just doing a quick PriceScope search, there are 9 diamonds in the 4 carat range that cost under $20,000. Lowww colors, not GIA certed, and SI1-SI3, but the fact remains.

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