(Closed) Ring Disappointment :(

posted 4 years ago in Rings
Post # 46
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

reki275:  Congratulations on your engagement! 🙂

I understand that you would be feeling like he didn’t really put a lot of effort into the ring because it was basically dropped in his lap and all the work was done for him. In that sense, he did get off pretty easy, and I can see why you are a little upset that he didn’t bother to have the wedding ring removed or have the ring checked/cleaned, etc… with that said though, he really could have been excited to give it to you and also didn’t want to make any changes to the ring. I don’t think it was done carelessly or that he wanted to put so little effort- i really just think he was clueless about the situation.

I think the ring is beautiful, but you are the one that has to wear it every day.

I got my husband’s grandmother’s engagement ring since he is the only grandson and the only one in the family carrying on the family name. The ring is super high quality and the setting is gorgeous but it is very small for my taste. My husband always knew this and we designed my ring together. I am still thrilled to have it and it is very sentimental to me, and I wear it every day on my right hand with my grandmother’s wedding band that was given to me at my wedding. It was important to me to have my own rings as well, so we made that happen.

I would just talk to him and see what he says about moving the current ring over to your right hand and getting you your own set.

 

 

Post # 47
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I usually disagree with the women on here that complain about their engagement ring. But I totally feel for you with this post. #1 I would really not like to get a ring from someone who was divorced. That just gives me a bad feeling right there. I don’t want to be thinking of a failed marriage when I look down at my ring! #2 He didn’t even have it cleaned or have the wedding band removed before he gave it to you? I think that definitely should have been done. It would’ve shown he put in some effort instead of just pulling a ring out of an old box and handing it to you (I’m not saying that’s what he did, but it feels that way sort of). 

Does he not know/care much about jewelry or rings? Had you two talked previously about what kind of rings/jewelry you liked? Sometimes guys are just clueless about this sort of stuff. I’d definitely talk to him about it. He might not have any idea!

Post # 48
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

reki275:  I’d ask to modify it, so it’s got a bit of history and a bit of a modern look too.  Perhaps melt the gold plates at the front and make the band thinner and perhaps add a different stone?  Go out together and get a new diamond that you both enjoy and represents YOUR love with the heirloom.  I think it has potential! 🙂

Post # 49
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My ex gave me a ring that belonged to his mother.  And I never liked it.  I never liked his mother either.  Anyway…

I told him from the start that it didn’t make me happy as it was.  And that we would need to get it set in something else of my choice.  Thats the way I worded it.  At the time I didn’t really care if it hurt his feelings or not.  But, to be honest it did not hurt his feelings.

Bottom line…  I’d keep the stone but have it reset in something YOU want.  

As a side note…  When I got engaged to my fi I ordered the stone and had a setting made.  Again, my fi was fine with it.  It is not what he would have picked but I like it alot.

Post # 50
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

reki275:  I can totally understand your frustration.  However, here’s how I’d look at it:

1) His miss on the cleaning/seperating/etc of the ring, and on not hitting the mark for you by using his mom’s ring in general is probably less about him not caring and more about him being clueless.  Regardless of the stories we see here on the Bee about men getting way into the diamond buying process and designing a ring “more perfect than I could have designed myself” the fact remains that MOST men are hopelessly clueless about rings.  It’s ok.  He still loves you, give him a pass on it.

2) I think this is a perfect situation to plan an upgrade!  If you guys can afford it right now, then do it right away.  There is nothing wrong with treating that ring as a placeholder if that’s ok with him.  You can choose something together and have tons of fun at jewlery stores.  If you can’t afford it now (sounds like he’s still in school) then plan it for one day when you’ve got the cash (5 year anniversary?  Upon both of you landing your dream jobs?  Whenever you can save up for it?).  That will give you time to day dream and research your perfect ring, and to eventually choose it yourself.  I, like many women these days, chose my own ring.  I had something very particular in mind because I wanted it to be comfortable for everyday wear, and choosing it myself was so fun.

3) Focus on the positive.  You have a Future Mother-In-Law who can’t WAIT to get you as a daughter (that is so sweet!), you have a Fiance who has a super tight relationship with his mom (probably indicating that he’s going to be an amazing father), and you and you never had to go through the awful waiting period.  Trust me, that sucks.

4) You guys could plan something special to do with your FI’s mom’s ring one day.  For example, if you have a daughter you could plan to give it to her as a gift to commemorate some special event in her life.

Congrats on your engagement!

Post # 51
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Congrats on your engagement!

1. I would be devastated in this situation as well, so don’t feel bad or selfish. I would think that your fiance would want you to 100% LOVE your ring, and if he doesn’t that’s  a problem. You should definitely be honest with him (marriage is all about communication, right?)

 

2.I would go shopping for a new ring together and turn that into a nice experience. Even if you don’t have much of a budget right now you can get a CZ on berricle.com and then upgrade later on.

 

Good luck ! Don’t forget that your happiness is important and keeping things in usually isn’t for the best. Get it all out there!

Post # 52
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think that you should have to wear a ring you hate.  Just talk to him! Maybe you can trade it in with mom’s blessing? I’m sure another jewler will work with the metal and stone to re design it.  I don’t see any reason why they couldn’t unless there were some stones that aren’t rel and are unable to take heat (which I doubt is the case, they look like dimonds) maybe a rhodium dip if all else fails to make it white gold?

Post # 53
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

A pp had the great idea of getting a new ring ” to preserve the family heirloom”  which is also what I recommend. 

Post # 54
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

reki275:  You have to talk to him about this. Be careful in how you bring it up because he might be sensitive about it.

For 700$ you could get a moissanite solitaire or a lab-created sapphire (same exact properties as a mined sapphire, better quality for much less $, more eco-friendly, and traditionally used for an engagement ring before diamonds were marketed for engagement rings).

You could also get a vintage diamond for that price, but I feel like that would probably border on offensive to him that you want someone else’s vintage diamond and not his mother’s. That’s what I mean about being careful.

Post # 55
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

bgswifey:  Hahaha yes, that might be a good way of putting it, but he might see through that also.

Post # 56
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

Just a word of caution: because his mother gave him the ring to propose to you with, you need to be aware of hurting not only his feelings but her feelings as well. While I too feel it doesnt feel right to wear a ring that’s from a divorced woman, n your fiancé may very well understand, you must manage his mother very carefully as this reason may upset her as she had eanted you to have the ring 

Post # 57
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Congratulations on your engagement!

You said that you think there’s no thought in giving you that ring, but I see it the other way. I think a lot of thought went into his mother’s ring.

The fact that she ended up divorced would not bother me, it’s an object and I’m assuming not the cause of the divorce?

Post # 58
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

 If it happend to me, I would be very, very upset. It’s not like I don’t like the ring because it was his moms. The problem to me is the way he handled it. l’d feel like he didnt even think about what kind of a ring I would like or look good on me or he wanted to give to me as a token. To me, it’d seemed like he didnt visited a jewelery store once to see what kind of rings are out there. I would think he didnt even asked any of his friends about a ring. I dont know what my husband was thinking about the ring when he gave it to me as is, to me, the ring has no meaning of our love. He didnt even cleand it. I dont want a ring that doesnt have my future husband’s thinking and meaning. I’d feel he proposed me because his mother told him to do so and he used a spare ring that was sitting and rolling in his drawer although it maybe not true. Also, personally, I’d never want a ring from an ended marriage.

If I were you, I will tell him how I feel in a nice way. I will explain to him that a ring metter to me b/c it’s a token of our love; therefore, I wanna wear a ring that both of us put effort on it. 

Men think differently than women so you may need to explain him step by step why you are not happy with the ring. Dont hurt his feeling. Before you say anything, ask him what were the his thoughts of the ring. Find out his feeling about the ring then start the conversation from his answer. Be very nice and clam. Also, think about what you want to do with the ring before you talk to your fiancé. Do you want to reset the ring by using the stone or do you just want a new ring? 

Or, to make everything simple, you can get a nice cz ring with the style you want. In fact, I didn’t like my ring when my husband proposed me. The ring was beautiful, just not my style. It’s a princess cut and I like round cut. Ive upgraded size of the center stone and kept the setting. Ive tried to change my ring for a few times (luckly, my husband doesnt care if I change) but couldnt do it. Whenever I tried a new ring on me, i feel like it’s just not my ring. I realized I love my ring. However, funny thing is I still like a halo round cut ring. I ended up getting a nice halo round cut cz ring for $40. I sometimes wear the cz ring.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  dkdlel.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  dkdlel.
Post # 59
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Perhaps in the interests of discretion. You could just say that the jeweler told you that due to it’s age and constant wear, the ring is too delicate now for everyday wear. Then instead of another ering just buy yourself an amazing diamond wedding band. 

If the issue is that you feel that your Boyfriend or Best Friend was pushed into proposing to you…well that’s a different story. You’ve been together for six years, only you can decide if you think it’s the right time to get married or not. 

Post # 60
Member
5535 posts
Bee Keeper

reki275:  Honestly, I think men don’t have a clue when it comes to jewelry [aside from the ones that are educated about it by us].  But really-think about this for a moment.  Why would a man think any woman wanted his mothers hand me down?

He gave it to you right out of the box, it was his mothers.  That tells you there was sentimentality involved not to mention god only knows what his ideas are on heirlooms and family jewelry being handed down.  Men think we love that!  Seriously.. In his mind he was probably doing this GREAT thing [it doesn’t matter that she was divorced fyi].

I think you have to look at it in the opposite direction.  It wasn’t an act of least effort, it was an act of love and sentimentality.  Having said all of that, open your mouth and tell him you love it but you would like to design your own ering and would be DEVISTATED if something happened to his mothers ring because “you’re so proud” to wear it!

on your right hand.. at family parties… once a year..*cough* 😉  Cheer up bee.. he loves you and you’re getting married!!!!

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