(Closed) Ring goes on finger – fighting begins?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I recently read that many people do become critical after getting engaged because you are re-evaluating each other on a deeper level.  The book said when you are just dating, you still keep a few walls up because there’s always the chance that things won’t work out so you’re still protecting yourself.  When you get engaged, you start to really evaluate this person as someone you will be with forever.  When you first started dating, you probably did some evaluation as well, but now it’s “for reals.”  I’d recommend reading Emotionally Engaged by Allison Moir-Smith.  That’s where I read about this.  I think it’s probably normal as you try and figure out your new status. Not to mention all the decisions you now have to make as you prepare to get married.  It can all be a little stressful and overwhelming even as it is exciting and joyful.  

Post # 5
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

For us it’s the opposite (I think). I feel like we became closer and more relaxed and happy with each other. It felt like right before the engagement I was on edge (even though we never really talked about getting engaged), there was some kind of anticipation and nervousness around us. Once we got engaged we relaxed and relationship became calmer.

Post # 6
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We also had a few huge blowouts following the engagement, and I know one of my good friends had this issue too. I think its like what the first poster said too. I also noticed we bickered a bit more frequently immediately following the wedding, but that has since calmed down. I think in addition to it being “the rest of your life” its also just stressful, which does put most people on edge.

Post # 7
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think it’s simply the fact that before the engagement people very shallowly think about their real expectaions (realistic & not) of what they want in a marriage and of their future spouse.

Now, when the ring goes on this stuff starts to come to mind… “Geeze, I hope he/she doesn’t handle things like that when we’re married. Does He EVER see this/that?” stuff like that.

I do think it’s a pretty simple fix though.

1. Communication

2. Pre-Marital Counseling… My Fiance and I are following the book

http://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Marriage-David-Boehi/dp/0830717803

If nothing else the 1st 2 worksheets are REALLY great! A Personal History & a “Great Expectations” Worksheet.

Anyhoo hope that helps some =)

Post # 8
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - The Royal Park Hotel

I definitely went through a stage of being super-critical after we got engaged, for exactly the reasons that cafegirl said. What you’re going through isn’t uncommon, and it’s also OK if you two get into a fight. I strongly believe that it’s a good relationship skill to learn how to fight well and fairly (if that makes any sense). Also, I’m sorry to hear that you’re a bit gun-shy because of your parents’ marriage. You’re not destined to follow in their footsteps, and perhaps you can even learn from them by knowing what you *don’t* want to do in your own relationship! *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

We fought throughout the whole year of engagement! But  then once we got married it all stopped – life went back to normal and things are much better!

Post # 10
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I was the same way… I think my mentality just completed changed from this is some guy I really care about in my life today to is this how I want to live the REST of my life.  I had the mentality of I wanted to address things that bothered me before they became too habitual.  I may have overdone it a bit, but we eventually hit equilibrium and are fine! 

Also, the wedding planning doesn’t help.  A good percentage of our fights on how much it would cost, or what to spend the money on, what was important, etc.  I believe after you’ve learned how to combine your lives, and you don’t have the stress of wedding planning things will get better.  Good luck!

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