(Closed) Ring guilt.

posted 5 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I understand how you feel, but I think you should just let him do it. It may take longer to get engaged, but he will also show you that he’s willing to make sacrifices to make you happy. The ering is an important item because you will be wearing it for a long time, so you deserve one that you are happy with.

Post # 4
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I myself couldn’t imagine spending more than $1,000 on a ring. I had no idea how expensive they were until we started looking, and I found that most I liked tended to be around $2,500. I think I choked!

So I started looking into non-diamond rings. I wanted a clear stone, but I have absolutely no attachments to diamonds. They’re nice, but in my opinion, not at all worth the cost. So I looked into white sapphires, asha, Moissanite, etc. Eventually I found Moissanite suited me well. It would last a lifetime and give me the clear stone look I was after without breaking the bank.

I write this with the purpose of asking if you’re attached to diamonds – do you have to have that? Or would you be happy with a non-diamond ring? Because if so, then there are a ton of option available that might suit your tastes without making you feel guilty over cost.

And I’m not saying you have to have a non-diamond ring. If you want a diamond, go for it! But definitely look into others too.

Post # 5
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I say, let him knock himself out… to a point.

I don’t really know his finances so I don’t know where the price point would be…but let it be something he has to strive to save up for, but not beyond what he really has the ability to do (i.e., it should not become a debt or prevent him from paying for something else he needs). Consider the timeline you are comfortable with waiting because generally the more time he has, the bigger this budget would be, but don’t commit to a longer timeline than you really have the patience for…don’t hurry him to do it faster than what it would really take. IMO, the actual dollar amount is actually completely relative to his situation. Whatever the budget that “significant but not overmuch” effort might come to, I’m sure there’s a beautiful ring that’s within it.

That balance…that significant-but-doable effort, to me (and sounds like maybe to you) it has that “special” quality of the engagement ring. I honestly wanted to see that effort on his part, and I think you do too and it’s not a wrong thing to want. It’s romantic to see him happily do his best to show you how important you are to him. He’s also exhilarated when he’s able to successfully bring you that joy.

Post # 6
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  Hi!

  First of all, I don’t think you come off as shallow or silly. I completely get where you’re coming from with the ring thing. When my Darling Husband and I got engaged, the majority of our friends were already engaged (some married), and Facebook was becoming my mortal enemy around the holidays with news of the proposals. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for my friends…it was just a reminder that I took to be that I was “falling behind”.

  But I digress.

  I don’t blame you for wanting a nice ring. Considering it’s a ring that you plan on wearing the rest of your life, you want it to be perfect. You just might have to be prepared to wait a little longer to get it. Would it be possible to upgrade your ring for an anniversary? That could be somewhat of a compromise.

  Whatever happens, I don’t judge you for wanting a nice ring :-). I was in the same boat, because I knew it would be a ring that I would wear for the rest of my life, so I wanted some say in it.

Post # 7
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@bowsergirl:  +1

I just wanted to second bowsergirl, does it have to be a diamond now? If you have your heart set on one and do not like the idea of upgrading in the future, it may take a little longer for him to save. 

If you are fine with a non-diamond, then both asha and moissanite are great alternatives. I chose moissanite, and they are gorgous, but I do not think that they look like diamonds. If you know that you eventually want a diamond, asha is really very simmilar looking, and sooo much less expensive. That way you could get the setting you want now, and upgrade to a diamond when it makes sense

Post # 8
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Why did you lie and tell him that it didn’t matter when it really does?  There is nothing wrong with wanting a nice ring but lying to him about it is unfair.  If he’s stressing so much can you contribute toward the ring?  He has some very important expenses so I can understand his stress.  

Post # 9
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Why don’t you talk to him about finances? It’s going to be a talk that comes up eventually. If you plan to combine finances after you’re married, maybe this could be a step towards that so it’s something you both contribute to, not just him.

Post # 10
Member
5237 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@OctBride-2012:  This. Don’t lie. There is a reason for that whole “honesty is the best policy” saying! It is okay to have preferences for your ring. You are going to be the one wearing it. It would not be okay to guilt, manipulate or pressure him to buy something outside his budget and I do not think you are doing that at all. But lying…well, it is dishonest to him and you. What if he trusts what you are saying (as he should) and buys you a ring you do not like? How will you feel then? How comfortable will you be telling him you want to change it because you were not honest then?

Some people want flashy rings, some are fine without a ring at all (I was) and in between and no one is wrong for having preferences if they come from a good place!

If the ring is important to you, but it is a tight stretch for him on his own, why not talk about sharing the cost? Many, many couples do that these days and why not if it works for you both?

I also second the suggestion to consider moissanite or other non-diamond alternatives. There are LOTS of options and you still get a very, very nice ring for a much lower price point.

Post # 11
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@LilySarah:  I felt guilty about what Fiance got for me. I gave general specifications on what I would like and 2 examples and he chose a better and bigger stone than I asked for. I saw it and was very aware that the ring is more than my car. He knew I would be happy with just a band, but if I got an e-ring, I wanted it to be nice. I also knew he had the money saved up so I was not asking him to go into debt or save for years. (He knew I wouldn’t wait for years 🙂 )

One of his best friends got engaged  after us and he mentioned many times that her ring was far less than mine and that his friend couldn’t believe what Fiance spent on my ring. That made me feel really guilty, espeically because his friend could have afforded more. But his friend’s wife has a ring that is perfect for her and Fiance is right that I would hate to have hers and she would not be happy with mine. It isn’t just cost, but taste. 

In the end I realize he chose the ring that would make both of us happy. I will be wearing it every day of our lives and never will upgrade, so if we have a 40 year marriage, it will only be $0.75 a day to wear. I say be grateful he wants you to be happy. If he has the money, it is worth splurging on.

Post # 12
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@LilySarah:  Nothing wrong w. the way you feel.

If I were you, I’d stop bringing it up, or tell him that you’re not in a huge rush for him to propose because you do want a nice ring. Is it so bad to be honest?

I’m talking about saving for a few more months.. not years.

I think $2-5K sounds reasonable for a ring. If you were asking for a $20,000 ring in your situation, I would probably say “suck it up, princess… do you want to be married or not?!”… but this isn’t the case.

Just tell him the ring is important to you, but you don’t expect anything more than $5K because you are aware of the finances. It sounds like he wants to make you happy. There’s no point lying and saying that the ring isn’t important.

Post # 13
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

You shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed that you want a nice ring.  I know that your intentions come from a good place in not wanting to admit this to your SO, but just be honest with him.  Say that you do want a nice ring but you see how hard he’s working to save up for it so please take your time and not feel pressured to get it for you asap.

Post # 14
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My advice – and I really don’t mean this in a snarky way! – is to stop overthinking it. I say that because I totally went through the same thing – I wanted a nice ring, but I also wanted to be laid-back and focused on the importance of engagement instead of focusing on the ring, and I also didn’t want him to be stressed about the money, but I also wanted something I’d love wearing forever, but I also didn’t want to wait for years for him to save… and so on and so on until I had worked myself AND my fiance into an absolute lather with all of my ambivalence! 

At the end of the day, I think you need to just accept that as long as you’re not asking for something wildly unaffordable, it’s okay if your boyfriend needs to stretch a little bit to pay for your ring. It’s supposed to be something he saves up and plans for, you know? And $5,000 is pretty reasonable if he’s someone who is doing pretty well financially. It’s not like you’re asking for a $50,000 ring from a guy who works at Burger King!

There will be times in your marriage when you’ll scrimp and save to get him something special, too. That’s the great thing about knowing you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone – you know that it will all get a chance to balance out eventually. Maybe next year, you’ll brown bag your lunch for a few months to be able to buy him a laptop for Christmas, or you’ll agree to save in other areas so he can buy a nicer car. But don’t feel guilty about wanting a nice ring… I bet that even if he’s stressing a bit, he’s also looking forward to being able to treat you to a ring that you will really, truly love. 

Post # 15
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it’s totally reasonable to want to get proposed to with a ring that you love. Within reason. So definately let him know what you want. But consider ways to get things cheaper. Would you consider a non-diamond stone? A previously owner ring? Those can drastically cut down on the cost of the ring but still get you the look you want. Win win!

Post # 16
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@LilySarah:  I think I had a lot of the same feelings and emotions as you do now prior to me finally getting the ring (just got it, literally days ago). I’d try to show him things that were really inexpensive so I’d know he didn’t add to the student loan and credit card debt too much. We decided on a budget of $1500 max, well below the 3 month rule or whatever it is these days. Some days I tried to convince myself I’d be happy with nothing, or something like a gemstone ring..was looking at morganite at one point. But I knew deep down I really wanted a diamond ring, and one of decent size (for me that was about a half carat). I started looking at antique rings on etsy, and then we started going to antique jewelers and looking around. I’m glad that I didn’t settle for less, and you shouldn’t either. It sounds like you are very reasonable in your expectations, and are the furthest thing from being overly materialistic, but don’t feel guilty just because you want something nice. I recall at some point letting my fiance know that I’d ideally like something around a half carat (at least), but I of course wouldn’t fuss if it were smaller and the ring as a whole was pretty. I got lucky and ended up with a little over a half carat and some extra little blingies around it on a platinum band. BUT, I have an antique ring, not a brand new ring and I think that’s why we were able to afford it. Take a look at some and see if they’re your style. Good luck!

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