(Closed) Ring Guilt

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Did you realize those are platinum settings? if you are willing to settle for white gold instead you could save a lot of money. Also you don’t really need VS clarity side stones. I1 is acceptable for such tiny diamonds as long as they’re not milky looking. It’s your center stone that will be the focus of attention. 

Post # 4
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My Fiance wanted to get me a Tacori ring, but the band wasn’t as simple as he knew I wanted and it was more expensive than he could afford. He ended up having the jeweler make it, in white gold, and it ended up being much cheaper. And I love it even more because it was custom made for me. 

Post # 5
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I felt guilys asking for the ring I did and my ring is not even as large as some of these other bees!  I finally decided that it was something that I would keep forever. I seem to be able to justify spending (or financing) 10,000 on a car that I won’t have for 50 years like I will my ring.  Get the ring you want to be on your finger forever.

Post # 6
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

Have you thought about a smaller diamond? A custom setting? A natural colored gemstone center? Gold rather than platinum? All of these should help with cost and still be as beautiful.

I didn’t have the same budgetary issues…we were able to stay well below my FI’s estimated budget… but I was definitely horrified at first by the price of diamonds, especially for something of good quality, and I did feel guilty about the cost of my ring for the first month or so of wearing it. Normally I’m a very utilitarian spender, and I don’t like overt displays of spending, which diamonds can easily have the potential be. I didn’t want feel that we had “wasted” money later, or to give the impression that I think spending more on luxury items reflects something good about a person and that I’d want to show spending off.

However, I feel better about it now. I realize that because of my personality, I have a fascination with details, so I am always looking at the diamond up-close in private, getting a lot of joy out of it. It’s inspired me to learn more about gems and minerals more generally and I’m loving these new hobbies (gemology and mineralogy). The cost of the ring was high, but only a little more than the cost of my FI’s favorite watch, and although he enjoys his watch, it doesn’t provide him with the same endless fascination I’m getting out of my ring. Finally, because the size is not “huge” for my social group, it doesn’t really come off as very much of an overt display of spending. (As you can see, I really did have to give it a lot of thought to let go of those guilt feelings.)

I think what really works is to lay out all the pros and cons of what you are considering, and alternatives to it, and truly find the most reasonable pricepoint. You have to think about why you have a want for (XYZ feature) for your ring, and whether you truly think that is a good reason. You’re probably going to conclude that some things you want about it do make sense, and other things really are not such good reasons and don’t jusify their cost.

It’s going to be an expensive purchase, so I think there’s always going to be some guilt about that, but, there is a point at which it becomes too expensive. Your unique situation has to inform you about what that point is.

Post # 7
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I honestly think that you should hold off.
It makes no sense to over exert yourself/SO financially so early on, before you are even married. You can love a BMW, but if you know you can’t pay it off in a reasonable amount of time, you shouldn’t buy it. That doesn’t mean you can’t eventually get what you want somewhere down the road, when you are financially secure and both working full time. I would choose a ring that I knew in my heart Fiance could pay off easily in a couple of months without putting strain and stress on him. That being said, I am sure that you could get a quote with white gold, and a smaller solitaire and see if that is something that is semi-affordable for you at this point in time in your life. When it comes down to it, the ring is so minor in the grand scheme of things.

 

Post # 9
Member
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Epicpooka:  Don’t skimp on the center stone. Of course I’m not saying to ask him for a 2 carat on a budget, but don’t set yourself up for wanting an upgrade. Depending on the size of your finger even less than 1/2 carat can still look big (people can’t believe how small my stone actually is because I have skinny fingers). But if you’re going to splurge on an elaborate setting don’t put a small stone in there. Same with choosing a white sapphire. Diamonds and sapphires have different optical properties due to their chemical composition so while they’re both colorless stones, your accent diamonds will sparkle more than your center stone and you’ll be able to tell the difference. Moissanite may be a better match.

Post # 11
Member
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Epicpooka:  Moissanites vs. diamonds are really an individual thing. I can’t recommend one over the other as they are both known for their sparkle and durability. If you look at the 2 side by side (this must be done in person) you can tell the difference because a Moissanite flashes a big rainbow of color. Some like it, some don’t. Large stones have the potential of looking gaudy because there’s so much color. Other people love the blingy effect. I personally prefer a diamond because while it does flash color, the light doesn’t travel as far. You can practically spot a Moissanite from a mile away.

Moissanites are slightly less expensive than diamonds, because they are a lab-grown stone. They are “descendents” (I don’t know a better word for it) of a meteor that hit the Earth in only one small part of the world, which is a pretty cool history. A CZ is the same idea, except it is created from a diamond or a zircon (this is disputed so I’m not sure which stone is actually correct). They place the natural stone in a device that replicates the heat/pressure that would cause the crystal to spread and grow and voila! You get new baby crystals in a matter of months vs. millions of years.

Post # 12
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

some ppl get the setting they want, then get something like an asha as a place holder in the ring until they’re at better financial place.  looking at the pictures and prices of asha, they’re pretty sweet, and you can save up for a few yrs then switch it out. plus your ring won’t look any different when you make the switch. just one idea! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

You don’t need to spend a lot of money to have a beautiful ring. I have a $600 1/2 carat diamond white gold band. You know what? It’s absolutely lovely. You can see the diamonds and it has sparkle, and we are doing quite well financially. I couldn’t justify having a bigger ring or spending more money and blahblahblah.

I also saw $200 rings that were very pretty.

 

If you find yourself thinking about how much that money could be in terms of rent and other expenses, I think you know your answer – getting a $2k or $3k ring probably isn’t the choice for you. After the engagement goes on a little while, you probably won’t be staring at your ring or even thinking about it much. I glance down at mine and go, “Oh, nice.” People around you don’t care that much. Get the ring that’s beautiful enough to get the job done and don’t worry about the “one” ring (ahahahaha!) or how your ring stacks up compared to other peoples’.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If you’re living off of student loans and a part time job and he’s about to quit his job one of the worst things you could do is blow 6 months of rent on a ring!  It is selfish to ask that, and trust me, when things are tight and you’re struggling, you’ll feel very guilty looking down and seeing rent for the rest of the year on your finger. 

There are lots of other options, small diamond, plain band, moissy, cz, gemstone, whatever that have been discussed on this thread and others.  I would really suggest that you look at them. 

Post # 16
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Epicpooka:  I am not quite sure what makes people think that engagement rings are somehow exempt as a budget item or not comparable to other purchases in life. I feel the same about weddings. People of modest means spend a ridiculous amount of money on them and for what? Because other people tell them it should be this way. Ridiculous if you ask me.

Do what you want to do but it makes sense to consider your FI’s feelings first. Do you suspect he’s giving you a higher budget than he is comfortable spending? Would you ordinarily spend such a large amount of money on a luxury purchase? 

If you’re paying $500 a month on rent, even in Tennessee, I suspect you’re of modest means. Just think about it very carefully.

 

 

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