Post # 1
I’m posting this under anonymous because I’m ashamed of myself and know I should be ashamed.
My Fiance and I set aside money for my engagement ring and picked it out together. I fell in love with my engagement ring setting. We also looked at diamonds. Cost wasn’t that much of an object when we purchased the ring (within reason, obviously) and I was paying. Fiance bought the ring without me present and planned a surprise proposal. He, however, did put about 80% of the ring costs on my credit card. This wasn’t a big deal, I figured if I wanted it, I should pay.
Well when he proposed, the diamond is a lot smaller than what I had fallen in love with. It’s also too small for the setting and doesn’t look right. The proportions are wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, the ring is beautiful, but I’m really upset. I’m upset because I paid, we didn’t discuss this, and it isn’t even the one we picked out. When I mentioned it, he told me that the jeweler told him to “marry the girl who doesn’t make you buy the biggest ring you can afford.” (This wasn’t what we were doing, we could have had a ring 5x bigger than my dream ring and still paid cash. And I had saved hard for this ring.)
I realize it’s only a ring. I think I’m most upset because he knew which one I wanted and didn’t get it on purpose. He is so happy because he bought me the smaller, cheaper ring. He believes his dream girl should be happy with any ring he chooses. But if I paid and had no qualms about paying, does it even matter what he wants? There’s a part of me inside that is just furious because my whole life I thought I could get what I wanted if only I worked hard/saved up for it…
It’s been a while since he proposed and I’ve thought about it a lot. So Bees please knock some sense into me. Tell me it doesn’t matter, tell me I’m stupid, greedy and terrible.
Post # 3
awww. First of all, It’s normal to feel this way if it’s your money. I would feel the same way if I had paid for a ring that I wasn’t totally happy with. This is not the same as a ring, but my parents bought me a car for christmas one year, but I had to pay half of it, and I didn’t get to pick it out. It was a ’92 Thunderbird, and I hated it. But I still drove it for awhile, because that’s all I could afford.
You could always upgrade for your one year anniversary, and just say that you want to upgrade it for yourself, not that you don’t love it? I don’t know…it’s ultimately up to you.
Do you have a picture??
Post # 4
oh sweety, don’t feel ashamed. it was your money! i’d be kind of pissed that he decided to get a different ring without telling you with your own damn money. not cool, in my opinion.
i’m sorry, i know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but i also don’t want you to be ashamed, cos i think you have no reason to be and are taking this much more calmly than i would have. and who the eff is this jewelry salesman and why did he listen to him? clearly the jewelry salesman didn’t hear all the facts, which was that YOU were paying.
can you still take it back? what’s the return policy?
p.s. your name is adorable
Post # 5
I really hate when jewelers butt into stuff like this. It’s just like that story I heard where the jeweler kept telling people “every girl wants a carat!” blarg! Maybe his gf doesn’t want a rock that big, ever thought of that?
Since you paid for most of it, I don’t see why your Fiance should have been concerned with “don’t pick the girl that wants a big rock!” That just doesn’t make any sense. How are you a gold digger if you paid for your own ring? o_O
I like bigger stones aswell. I don’t think that makes you greedy or stupid.
Post # 6
Yea I’m kind of torn on this honestly. In general I’d say its never okay to be upset about a too-small ring, a ring is just a “thing,” and its the intention with which the ring is given that matters…. but I think that is the problem.
From your story alone it seems that you and he AGREED that you would pay for most of the ring, that you could easily afford the ring you wanted, and agreed on the actual ring/stone. Then he just totally went behind your back and changed the game because of what a jeweler got you. That doesn’t seem like a genuine intention to me. If you thought you were being too greedy or materialistic he should have had the balls to tell you “I’m uncomfortable with this ring and I would rather get this other ring.” Simply going behind your back and doing it after you had agreed and planned to pay for it is sneaky and immature.
So yea… I’d be pissed. And not so much about the ring but about the situation.
Post # 7
I don’t understand your finace’s logic at all. He thinks you should be happy with any diamond he chooses, but used your money and didn’t get you the one you wanted? That makes zero sense to me. I’d feel exactly the way you feel and would probably want to exchange/upgrade.
Post # 8
Yes they have an upgrade policy. I can upgrade any time and I don’t have to double what I paid. (Some jewelry stores make you double what you first paid when you trade it in).
Post # 9
@NomNomNom: well thank goodness for that! i think it is time to discuss with the hubby to be and explain you want the ring the two of you agreed on.
Post # 10
Let me get this straight … you, as a team, selected a certain ring and stone. You paid for 80% of the ring and, in the end, got a ring that was different than the one you had agreed to? If he was going to spend a majority of your money on a ring it should be the ring you chose.
I would be very hurt if someone spent the majority of my money in a way that I didn’t consent to.
My advice? Tell him that the majority of your money went to pay for the ring and you want the ring you agreed to. It’s not fair for him to spend your money in a way that wasn’t approved of by you. It would be one thing if he spent his own money on the ring and chose to go with the smaller one. That you really can’t control. But, since a good chunk of your cash went to the ring, the majority of the decision should be yours.
Adding that I do NOT think you’re being any of the things you called yourself. And, you should not be ashamed. This isn’t a case of “boy, I wish I had a bigger rock”. This is a case of “The boy pulled the rug out from under me and didn’t give me the rock we agreed on and I feel taken since it was my money he spend!”.
Post # 11
Sorry, I can’t knock any sense into you, but really want to knock some sense into him. The jeweler obviously didn’t know that you were paying for the majority of the ring, therefore, you aren’t asking for the biggest ring HE could buy.
Also, what the hell is he doing taking relationship advice from a sales man?
Finally, the proposal isn’t the time for a “let’s test to see if you are worth spending my life with” moment. Those have long past and you obviously passed with flying colors (as evidenced by the fact that you bought your own damn ring!).
Given that you sound like a very classy and practical woman, I would recommend you consider sitting him down and telling him how hurt you are that he used one of the most important moments of both of your lives to test you and that he deceived you. You need to trust that the next time you agree with him on something, he isn’t going to go behind your back, do something else, and then try to emotionally blackmail you by saying if you don’t agree, you are either not worthy of him or shallow.
Post # 12
can you secretly exchange it? would he notice?
haha kidding – slightly.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way – i would too! especially if it was my money. Im not sure what kind of advice to give – i like the idea of upgrading it later. It would bother me to no end if my fiance didnt get me the ring we picked out together on PURPOSE. maybe he didnt remember what the original looked like?
Post # 13
Honestly I would upgrade instantly, but now this is the one he proposed with…
The reason I’m ashamed is because I never thought I’d be that girl who’s unhappy with the too small ring. But I’ve had multiple comments now on how my wedding band and engagement ring overwhelm my center diamond.
Post # 14
@KH:Given that you sound like a very classy and practical woman, I would recommend you consider sitting him down and telling him how hurt you are that he used one of the most important moments of both of your lives to test you and that he deceived you. You need to trust that the next time you agree with him on something, he isn’t going to go behind your back, do something else, and then try to emotionally blackmail you by saying if you don’t agree, you are either not worthy of him or shallow.
Post # 15
I would honestly take it back if possible and get the one you want. I really don’t know what your Fiance was thinking. Not all surprises are good surprises, and this definitely falls into the not good category. If he had paid for the whole thing I would have encouraged you to keep it a while and see if it grows on you, but if you’re picking up the bulk of the tab on this one, you should have the ring you originally picked out.
Post # 16
@totheislnds: omg I was going to say the same thing..Maybe he wouldn’t notice??