Post # 1
I feel like a materialistic spoiled brat. I have been engaged for about 7 months now and I don’t have a ring from Fiance. I have a simple ring that I wear but I bought it for myself. But as time has gone by I feel more and more upset by the fact that I don’t have a ring from him. I am thrilled to be marrying this man. Still I just… want to demand the ring. But Fiance has a certain idea of what said ring should be. I would love to have a traditional diamond solitaire too but I’m tired of waiting. I just want a ring that Fiance bought for me but every time I think of talking to him I just feel awful about it. I feel so petty but it’s important to me. I’m beginning to think there is something wrong with me. This man is the center of my world and I keep obsessing over a stupid ring.
At first we were going to get a ring a month after we got engaged. Then it was going to be after we moved in February. Well we moved and are quite settled in our new place. Next I heard May. And now we have moved on to September. I’m tired of the roller-coaster. Excited, disappointed, excited, disappointed, excited, disappointed, and now crushed.
And I’m conflicted. If FI’s car broke down he would take the money out of his investment account to make the down payment on a brand new car instead of buying a used one but he won’t touch those funds to get me a ring. A car that he will drive for 10 years or a ring that I’ll wear every day for the next 50+ years. And it’s not like I’m asking for him to spend as much as he would the down payment for a car. But of course I’m normally an overly pragmatic individual so I understand that having reliable transportation is a must and is logically more important. The logical side of my brain doesn’t happen to be winning this argument though. And Fiance is good at investing money. But I’m not convinced he is very good at saving money. Ever since he got his new job he has been “rapidly paying down his credit card balances” and we can get my ring after that. Were we using my definition that would mean that the credit cards wouldn’t have had a balance anymore after 2 months. That however, has not been the case. Still it is his money and he should be able to use it like he wants. And if I bring it up and he then uses said investment account to buy my ring I’ll feel awful and pushy and undeserving.
Part of me just feels like… If I were really as important to him as he says he would make this happen for me. But a hunk of metal and stone shouldn’t be this important and I’m not normally a materialistic person. I’m just messed up. I couldn’t even bring myself to let him in all the way until we got engaged because I refused to let myself be totally vulnerable until I knew he was in it for the long run. I’m depressed and it isn’t fair to Fiance. Every breakdown I have had I avoided the subject and focused on issues I’m having in life and outside of our relationship but… myself esteem is suffering horribly. He is my world and for some reason this makes me feel insignificant.
Post # 3
If breaking off the engagement is even an option on the poll because of this, I respectfully suggest you reconsider your engagement to him. In my opinion that indicates that because you don’t have a ring you don’t feel really engaged. And that’s okay. It’s okay to want a ring. It’s not petty. It’s a meaningful gesture and outward sign of your intentions. I think you should have your melt down and let him know how much this means to you. But, I voted break it off because that even being on your list of what to do says a lot.
Post # 4
@FeelingCrazy: ‘break off your engagement. He’s a great guy and doesn’t deserve this crap from you.’
Seriously? You sound so sad. I feel like you put yourself down throughout this whole post, but that is really being mean to yourself. You deserve what you are asking for. It is NOT just a hunk of metal and a stone, it’s a symbol your his intention to marry you. Granted, you can be engaged without one if it doesn’t matter to you, but it clearly does. If he knows how much it matters to you and still doesn’t want to get you one, I would break of the engagement. But bc you are a great girl and you don’t deserve that crap from him. Not the other way around.
Post # 5
@FeelingCrazy: It may not really be on his mind. To him, you are engaged so A ring is not something he is thinking about (compared to a guy that is preparing to propose, that is). And if you aren’t bringing it up, he is really not being reminded or getting a slap in the face regarding is importance. You should definitely bring it up, make it known how you feel about the situation but keep it civil and noon-accusatory.
Post # 6
Have you asked him why the timeline for the ring keeps getting pushed back? What did he say? What was the reason he didn’t have a ring when he proposed?
Post # 7
@odelly: I actually added that option because there seem to be a lot of angry responses on the bee lately and I figured those with nothing nice to say could just be mean on the poll and get it out of their system. Breaking off the engagement wouldn’t literally kill me but it might come close. I’m just very sad right now. And I’d rather over react on the internet than in real life.
Post # 8
@Weetzie: I’ve been depressed in general lately and everything is just compounding. I am sad. And I’m definitely over reacting at the moment. But I really appreciate your kind words. Thank you.
Post # 9
@BluePeaches: He is always the one to bring it up. He brought it up last night to say that it probably wouldn’t happen until September which instigated this entire rant.
Post # 10
@Glasgowbound: Money. The reason is always money. And today is one of those days I just want to scream at him that I should be more important to him than money.
Post # 11
Communication is super important in any relationship, you need to be able to communicate your needs and wants even if you feel silly about them.
Since I’ve gotten engaged I’ve had three completely separate people tell me I shouldn’t get a wedding dress. It made me feel sad and like there was something wrong with me that these different people looked at me and thought I didn’t deserve a pretty wedding dress. I told my Fiance about these feelings even though I feel a bit silly for wanting the pretty dress when all I wear to work is jeans and a t-shirt. He told me that if I want a pretty wedding dress I will have one because he loves me and he thinks that I deserve one. Even though I still feel a bit silly, knowing he has my back and supports my more materialistic desires means the world to me becuase you don’t just need your FI’s support for the big things in life, but also the little things.
You need to tell your Fiance how you really feel about an engagement ring. He needs to know how important it is to you, not because you’re materialistic, but because it symbolizes your relationship which is very important to you. He needs to know that by not getting you one he is making you feel devalued. Tell him your real feelings and give him a chance to step up and support you.
Post # 12
@FeelingCrazy: I wouldn’t feel bad at all for wanting a nice ring. We all have a dream ring. But maybe the best thing would be to adjust your expectations for what your Fiance can realistically and easily afford. I also think there’s a lot of insane pressure to have the perfect ring when you get engaged, but you can always upgrade when you are in a more financially stable place.
It sounds like your Fiance has some credit card debt and wants to get rid of it before making another major purchase, which sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I also don’t blame him for not wanting to dip into his savings for a purchase like this either; what if one of you loses your job or encounters a major expense, like healthcare or the car breaking down?
I’d ask yourself why you want the ring. Do you want it as a symbol for your relationship, for your committment to each other? Because you can have a beautiful ring that does that without putting financial strain on your relationship. So I would talk to your Fiance about what a ring might mean to you and what it would add to your engagement. My parents got engaged without a ring and have been married for more than 35 years.
I’d maybe talk to a counselor about this. It sounds like you are projecting a lot of your anxieties onto this ring when maybe something bigger is going on that you’re not dealing with.
Post # 13
Why don’t you suggest an inexpensive, temporary ring? A ring doesn’t need to be expensive. At least that way you’ll know if the issue really is money or something else.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
I didn’t vote for any option as this is clearly a sensitive topic… and all the options may not get you a ring as they’re all reactive approaches. And men… they may not get us women sometimes UNLESS we write them an instruction manual.
Tell him that it is important to you to have a symbol of an official engagement. Give him a budget of how much he should spend. Go rings shopping together; make it a fun and memorable experience. That way, he would buy something that the both of you like!
What matters more is if you see him as the guy you can grow old with. If this answer is yes, then he should be able to handle any adult discussions on the topic of an engagement ring.
Post # 15
@FeelingCrazy: I voted for “Break off your engagement” , but I don’t agree with the statement “He’s a great guy and doesn’t need this crap from you” Just skimming over PP, I think you need to seriously reevaluate his commitment to you. Going with the whole “general knowledge that guys tend to have commitment issues” I kinda view the ring purchase as a “making a commitment” thing. Doesn’t have to be the biggest, shinest diamond, but a guy (in a guy/gal relationship), should indeed buy a ring to smbolize the commitment.
So, I don’t think you are crazy or demanding at all, but I think you need to make it clear that you expect a ring (again, doesn’t have to be expensive) to accompany your engagement.