(Closed) Ring shopped on Saturday, broke up yesterday

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 151
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I wanted him to try harder, be more succesful, save more money, be more dependable

^ that says that you are unhappy with who he is right now and you want him to change. I can see why he doesn’t feel good enough.

I’m not saying you have no right to desire these things, you do. I’m trying to point out how you can come off as if he isn’t good enough.

Post # 152
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You want some one more ambitious and there is nothing wrong with that. A nice guy is great to date but there are a lot of guys who have potential but will never live up to it. If in 15 years your BF is exactly where he is today will you be okay with that? Be honest.  Everyone will tell you “oh, it so wrong for you to ask him to be something he is not.” There is nothing wrong with wanting a stagnant partner to show he’s capable of more than just lip service. He has to show some resilience as a sign that he will be able to take care of a family in the future, which… get this, will require him to adapt and extend himself beyond his current level of ambition, which seems to be mighty low. Those people condemning won’t be the one struggling to pick up his slack for years or defering dreams for their families… You will.

It’s all roses when you’re dating and everything is completely separate but what about when you have kids and his lack of ambition means you can’t provide the things they need or would like them to have. Lets say you’re in a terrible school district but need to move to get your kids into a better school but because he’s satisfied with the bare minimum, it’s 100% on you to make that happen. Anytime it comes to moving forward it will lay solely on you. 

The fact that mommy offered to pay for your wedding ring says mouthfuls. Moms know what kinda kid they’ve raised. He may have bowed out because he knows he doesn’t have a plan improve himself and doubts he will have the motivation to ever do it. How can you believe in him if he doesn’t believe in himself?

He may have done you a favor or maybe it’ll be the kick in the ass he needs to realize playtime is over.

Post # 153
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It seems to me that you’re, a little pushy. Maybe he wasn’t ready to get engaged and you bringing it up all the time wasn’t helping. And 4k for a ring??? My fiance proposed to me with a beautiful CZ ring with a promise that he’d get me a better. I told him he could’ve proposed with a ring pop and I’d have been the happiest woman alive. He wants to repropose to me with a better ring in the future but he brought up the idea. Not me. I really don’t know what to tell you because I’m very low maintenance and can’t imagine how someone like you works. I just hope you find what you’re looking for.

Post # 154
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

Congrats! I’m so happy things are working out. 

I did want to say that I admire that you stick to your guns. I don’t think it’s fair for us, girls, to be happy to just be strung along, but the moment we want a definitive answer or a more clear time line about where this is going, we ate putting “pressure” on them. I think it’s ridiculous. I don’t think it makes it any less “real” as another pp said. It will still be an engagement, I had a time line but my engagement was still magical. I don’t think that took away from my moment at all, but it did let me be more comfortable in the relationship knowing that we were on the same page and I wasn’t being strung along. 

Kudos to you. 

Post # 155
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

Soery to say this but you just seem ring obsessed and that you want the most expensive one possible. It seems like you’ve put him under intense pressure and I can see why he got worried. Not once have you said you want to get married and spend your life with him, its all been about ‘the ring’ and it’s not fair to threaten to move out just because you don’t have one. If he can’t afford a ring then he can’t afford it. I wouldn’t say 5 years is too long either. I know people who have gone 8 and 10 years before getting engaged.

Post # 156
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
yool2ya:  The very fact you are going on about making more money and paying the Dog’s vet bills to me suggests that salary and status is what’s important to you. Sounds like you’re pressuring him to be someone he isn’t and it seems like you see the price tag of a ring as a symbol of love.

Post # 157
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

ok you see he felt that way because you gave him an ultimatum and men Do Not respond well to ultimatum this should have been a requirement not an ultimatum. he got cosy in the just living together, you made him feel that way. now that you want a ring (band or engagement ring its still the same), you are pressurising him. he might as well just end up doing it just giving you the ring period.

if he says that he fear that this might not resolve all your problem, this mean that there is more to it than just giving you the ring.

girl you got a Good man, he even got a second Job just to show you that is willing to do it and proposing him to a grant was just a bad idea in other words you just said  I DONT CARE  IF YOU GOT A SECOND JOB I STILL WANT THE 4K RING. if  being with him forever mean that he must only get you The 4k Ring than being married to him is not really what you want. he is a keeper.  you must give him chance by trusting that he will stick to his promise by June not giving him a ultimatum.

focus your energy on him make him understand that you care about him and you still want to be with him regardless of the price of the ring.

cheers girl

Post # 158
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m not sure if I interpreted this correctly and I know this is an old post and I’m not sure you will read this or how the situation was resolved but I don’t think that you were asking for too much or being unreasonable. You waited for a long time.  It sounds to me like you were thinking of ways to help him give you what you want and deserve and he was just not there At the time… It sounds like he had a lot of excuses and if it was something that he was ready for, he could have made it happen- you did give him the option for a gold band. I hope that this sitiation hasn’t prevented you from speaking up for what you want in a relationship. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by meghill21.
Post # 159
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
yool2ya:  I know this is an old post but congrats on sorting things out. For the record I don’t think it’s wrong at all to discuss engagement and timelines with your boyfriend and to do something about it if you’re not on the same page. It’s your life and your future too- why should you have no say? Plenty of people say that it’s wrong to rush or pressure your boyfriend but it’s also pretty dam awful to spend 10 years waiting only to discover that you never wanted the same things. Well done on standing up for what you want. 

Post # 160
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
tabbytren: thanks for posting this — I will bet you and your Fiance will have a happy marriage if you two follow her advice! 

Post # 161
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
yool2ya:  I’m happy that you two worked things out!!

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