(Closed) Ring shopped on Saturday, broke up yesterday

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

you need to work on communicating before seriously thinking of marrying him. just because you two get married doesn’t change the fact that you have issues communicating. 

Post # 32
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

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TheGridMonster:  this. 

What you are saying is that he’s not good enough for you and now you’re astonished that he feels like you don’t think he’s good enough for you?

Post # 33
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I completely understand the growing up poor and wanting to be successful and wanting those you love to be successful and in jobs they love. Let me just say this….  It can be hard to be with someone who you know has great potential and feel like they are not using it to their best advantage. It’s all about the approach and how you chose to support them.  Maybe you’ve tried the whole “more flies with honey approach” maybe you were feeling a little resentful? Maybe you were feeling like you were carrying more than an equal share in your relationship? I don’t know. I just want you to really look at yourself. Try not to be too hard on yourself, just be honest. If you two do not recover from this…. Learn from this. Be a better you from this. Work on where you need to be better. You will be better equipped to not only show your partner love but also respect. Men need Respect so much! I was in a horrible horrible marriage that lasted for 13 years. my ex was abusive and such an awful person…. After my divorce, after I dealt with a lot of anger and sadness I actually start to see areas where I had failed in my marriage. I can’t say that it would have made any difference where my ex was concerned but it did help me be better prepared to be a better partner to my now Fiance. I’m sorry. I’m sure you are hurting. I’m sure it is unbearable at different times. I hope that it gets better for you both, no matter what direction you two end up choosing to take you’re relationship. I do think that giving him a little grace right now, showing some humility etc. might be you’re best bet if you do want to try to fix this. Good luck! I promise I’m not mean…. I have good intentions! Promise!

Post # 34
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I wanted to add that, yes, you told him a band and a future upgrade would be fine. But, if he’s thinking that what you really want is that $4K ring, then maybe he really wants to get you that ring (on his own), instead of a different ring, because he knows that that’s what you really want. And to do that, he’ll need time, but like koulaeca said, then he would have missed the deadline you gave.

I think the ring is a lot more complicated for some guys than we think about. Yes, it’s a symbol of their commitment to you and their proposal to start married life together. But I also know guys who think of the engagement ring as a symbol of their status. They think that they will be judged by the ring they propose with. Because let’s be honest, there are people who judge the guy based on the ring.

Anyway, aside from the ring, it doesn’t sound like it was the healthiest of relationships for either of you. It might be good for both of you to step back and re-evaluate. Honestly, do you want to marry a guy that you forced to propose to you using a deadline? I imagine that wouldn’t be the best of feelings for either of you.  I’d personally be worried of me doubting his commitment to the marriage in the future because in the back of my mind I’d know that I forced him to work with my timeline.

Is it marriage that you wanted? Or is marrying him what you wanted? While I think it’s reasonable to have timelines for what you want to accomplish at certain points in your life, they’re not the best for determining WHO you marry. If both of you aren’t at the same point on your timelines, then it doesn’t matter if he’s the one. You can’t force it to work. You either move on and find someone who is ready for marriage (if that’s your priority) or you wait for him to be ready (if he’s your priority).

Post # 35
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee

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yool2ya:  I know it takes two people to mess up a relationship, but man this guy must be feeling the pressure big time. I think most decent guys want to give us everything in the world. Sometimes our act of love towards them is wanting what is in their ability to give us.

People talk a lot about women needing to feel a certain way in a relationship, but guys need to feel a certain way too. Every message you have given him is, “you were good enough to date, but if you want to be my husband you need to change a LOT”.

I geninuely feel like I got the best man in the world, but I’m also not totally unrealistic. He works very hard and is paying his own way through school (so he works and goes to school full-time). If I had hinted to him that most rings I liked happened to be around $4k then he would definitely have not proposed to me when he did. He would have waited until after graduating and getting a job (he’ll be an actuary so he will eventually make a very nice living). He would hate the idea of disappointing me and I’m sure he’d feel immense pressure to come up with THOUSANDS of dollars for a piece of jewelry. If I was then also pressuring him to do it NOW, I can see him getting totally overwhelmed and feeling unloved…because that’s not a very loving thing to do. 

I could absolutely find a $4k ring that I liked. I could also find a $10k ring that I like, or a $20k ring that I like. I told my guy to stick with antique rings (that’s my preference anyway) and that he shouldn’t spend more than $500 on it. My only real requirement was that it be at least 14k gold (I’m allergic to everything). Well, my man went to 16 stores all across Manhattan and found a stunning three stone art deco white gold diamond ring right on budget. It is literally perfect. I was so shocked at how much he nailed my style when he proposed.

I made it easy for him by telling him I’d be really uncomfortable with him spending thousands of dollars (which is true given our situation). I made it ok for him to buy something budget friendly and I never brought up the price again. I totally gush over it all the time and he feels SO PROUD about what he chose.

If I was in your man’s shoes I’d be feeling nervous about providing too. He’s probably thinking, “what happens when she needs a car? how extravagant of a vacation will she expect? what if I can’t make enough?” That’s a lot of pressure. 

Post # 36
Member
10190 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It sounds a bit like the old “it’s not you, it’s me . . .” kiss off.  I have to agree with the PP who said he doesn’t want to marry you.

You may have pushed too hard, but that doesn’t excuse his making promises he doesn’t keep.  He’s blaming you for everything.

Post # 37
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

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yool2ya:  You sound very controlling, looks like you want him to be something he is not, and you want to change the way he is. That’s not love.

Post # 38
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee

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yool2ya:  i am sorry, this must be a tough time for you.

Despite of who did what, this is an awful thing to deal with and i HATED those days of crying yorself to sleep just to wake up and cry again.

I feel for you because it is tough to get excited for a proposal coming only to be let down and you are entitled to feel upset. However, i also think this is a case of you putting a lot of pressure on him and not appreciating that you have a great man in front of you who just may not be ready for marriage. 

I think you two can work this out, but you would have to get back together under the pretense of marriage being far off in the future. Like not even a notion in your head at this point. You need to work on yourselves and your relationship. 

Post # 39
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

You say you love him more than anything- but you’d really let him work a second job to pay for an expensive ring while you’ve spent the last several months travelling? That’s no way to treat someone you love. And if he can’t come up with 4 grand by June, you’d rather have him be embarrassed by taking money from his mom than choose a cheaper ring- because it’s not much of a choice when you tell him you can ‘upgrade’ a cheaper ring later, making him feel he’s proposing with something disappointingly substandard to you. And that’s how he likely envisions a future with you- always disappointing you, always feeling he hasn’t manned up to your standards, all the while feeling stressed and pressured to live beyond his means, earn more, be more. You say he’s the most considerate, caring, supportive guy who tells you everyday he loves you & how beautiful you are- yet you threw this away over money. You eroded his self esteem to the point where he can’t take it anymore.

You have 2 choices:

1. You tell him how sorry you are for not realizing what is truly important in life. That you don’t want him stressing about expensive rings or borrowing from his mom or taking a second job- you want HIM. And you’ll find a ring you LOVE (as opposed to treating it like a make-do ring) within your budget. And that he can give you what you want in life- and that’s the sweet considerate & supportive man he is. That it’s not all about money & you’re sorry for not seeing that sooner.

or

2. You realize that he’s right, that he can’t give you the life you want. And you let him go so he can be happy with someone who appreciates him and you can find someone with similar values and goals as yourself.

p.s. It’s not fair to tell him #1 if you aren’t willing to really mean it.

Post # 45
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

I will never understand deadlines in regards to proposals. If you have to be proposed to like it’s part of some contractual obligation, it’s not for real anyway. 

Where’s the romance in that?

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