(Closed) Ring Woes (and general waiting frustration)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@kb7:  I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I don’t know what to say except good luck! You were definitely right to put all your feelings out there and at least now he knows your expectations.

Post # 4
Member
609 posts
Busy bee

In my experience, if he is making big frivolous purchases in the middle of discussing buying an engagement ring, it does not seem to be at all important to him. 

“He has his grandmother’s ring set and told me from the very beginning that’s what his wife would wear someday.”

 Yet here you are, not wearing it. 

I think you have your flags. 

Post # 5
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@kb7:  OK, here are my two scenarios (one good and one not so good) for what is going on:

1) The good scenario: From this post and the last post, it seems as if you are not yet settled yourself. You are graduating from grad school soon, but you are not sure where you will work/live, right? Your SO may not see you as ready to get married. Trust me, guys have a weird radar when it comes to assessing that (i.e. I’ve had a guy dismiss me on a date b/c he wanted to settle down and apparently I wasn’t – even though I didn’t know it at the time). In some ways, they may know you better than you know yourself. This is the best case scenario, and in this case, I would just advise you to wait until you graduate from school or until you have to make a major life decision (i.e. take a job far away from your SO b/c that’s all that is available, etc.). However, once you graduate or get offered some far-away opportunity is when things have to get real. That’s the make it or break it time.

2) The not so good scenario: Your SO is 35 (!!!) with a job (!!!), yet is not making any indication of preparing for a future with you. The buying of expensive tech crap and plan to buy a house solo are very bad signs even if you are getting his grandmother’s ring. Yes, you may still be in school, but would you be ok with a long engagement and not planning a wedding right away? If so, does the SO know that? I also don’t like the mind games – “Heh, it’s not up to you, is it?” ::wait five more years:: He reminds me of an eterna-bachelor. Yes, these guys exist. It sounds like they are delusional about their wants/goals (“I don’t want kids when I’m too old”), but in the end, they actually are happy with their bachelor-like lifestyle. The problem with that? These guys have no issue stringing along their GFs for years.

If you really love him and want to be with him, here is what I would suggest. Stay with him until you graduate school. It’s only a couple of months. If you don’t see any action on his part when you graduate – he’s just not that into marrying you – I’m sorry for being harsh, but I really wish someone gave me this info when I graduated college and was in a dead-end 6 year relationship. Then you can see if you are ok the way you are or if you want to leave for marriage. You are 25, right? That’s still young! Should you leave your SO, you will be totally fine – I promise.

Post # 6
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@kb7:  *This is just my opinion*, but i’m interpreting some of his comments and behavior as stalling and maybe even BSing you a bit.  For example, you’re dead on that him making big purchases shows that buying a ring isnt a priority right now….but what I took from it was the conflict over the heirloom ring.  The way I see it is this:

 
A)my boyfriend would probably give his right arm to have a ring on hand to propose to me with.

B)if he had the ring and knew I’d love it, there would be no conversation about buying something different: he’d use what I want.

 

Now lets add these things together: he has a ring he knows you like + but isnt proposing to you with it because he claims he wants to buy you one + but isnt saving for it=he isnt looking to get engaged.

To me, i’m sensing stalling.

Post # 9
Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

#1 – It’s really good that you communicated about your very different views of the grandmother’s ring hand-me-down versus heirloom.  Men don’t think like women.  Period.  And now that he’s seeing the rings his friends have bought for the FI’s, he realizes not only what the ring will say to you, but what it will say to others if it’s not ‘up to par’.  And to be honest, some people WILL make snarky, ugly comments about a ‘hand-me-down’ ring, no matter how beautiful, not matter how much feeling is expressed in the giving.  So if it’s small by today’s giant-rock standards, he felt it was inadequate.  

Even today, in some manner, a ring symbolizes his ability to support a wife, regardless of her own ability to support herself.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend is still upset that because I graduated college years before him, and ahve been working all that time, I make more… not much, as we both make small salaries, but still, it galls him.  And to make it worse, some of our friends are able to support a wife and children without her working outside the home – they came from better, more supported backgrounds, while we’ve scraped by for years – it’s just the luck of the draw.

 

Also, he’s 35.  Sorry to point this out, but that’s hardly middle-age anymore, maturity-wise for most men coming up from Gen-X.  It’s barely past kegger-college-night-out-age.  So his money-care is not necesarialy an indicator of his concern, or lack of it, for marrying you.  It’s just an indication that you are better (one person in the pair always is) with money, and more willing to put off what you don’t think you need for something you want more that will be longer lasting.  He’s not there, yet.  It’s not malicious.  It’s just immature.  And he can grow out of it.  Maybe you can both set up a savings plan for a small wedding but good honeymoon, to show him A.) how important this is to you – men hear weird things when women talk.  You can point at a purse you like 1 million times, and he won’t get it… but you make an off-hand comment about wanting to travel before kids, and suddenly that’s all you want to do with your life O_o.  B.)  It will allow you both to save, and for him to learn from you how to do it.  🙂

The tax return made him feel like, “what’s the point, I can’t save $3K for the ring I want to get her, so I won’t look like a cheap jerk who doens’t love her enough to do more than give her Granny’s old ring, so I might as well deck out the aquarium.”  He didn’t think, “Hmmm, not what I wanted, but at least it’s a start for some savings.”  That’s all.  Not real red flags… just bad planning and evidence of better communication being needed 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I dunno, my impression from the convo is different than some of the PPs.  It sounds like he has finally realized that he wants to settle down, get married, and have a family, but this hasn’t translated to reality yet.  Like he’s overwhelmed by “new” knowledge at how much it really costs to have a wedding, buy a nice ring, etc.  I don’t necessarily think his frivolous purchases are a definite indication that he doesn’t care about getting married to you.  He just needs to mature up and see that he can’t be buying all this stuff and saving for a ring.  I think it’s a good sign that he was actually able to discuss his wants and concerns with you about a future together.  Maybe you can have a follow-up discussion to set a timeline and budget for how much everything might cost so he can have something concrete to work on.

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