- 5 years ago
I haven’t posted in a few months, been trying to take my mind off engagement stuff and just focusing on myself and my work but of course I still find myself thinking about it often and this weekend is going to be tough in that regard.
We are taking our annual trip to our favorite city this weekend, this will be our third trip here together, it’s really a sentimental trip for us which is why I’m feeling a little disappointed that I know he isn’t going to propose. I remember thinking last year that I hoped he would propose then. He has been in counseling and I can just tell that although he is making progress, he isn’t close to being “there” yet and it is very frustrating.
I am excited for the trip and doing our favorite things together but honestly not as excited as I was a few months ago when I really thought this might be the time he was finally going to propose. I know that despite my best efforts I am going to feel some sadness and it won’t be easy to hide, he knows how I feel, it’s not like I am hiding my feelings from him about the subject as a whole, but I would like to enjoy the trip and this weekend without it ending up in some kind of meltdown at some point. I have only told my mom about the trip because she is watching my dogs, I don’t want to broadcast it on Facebook or to my friends because I don’t want to deal with the “did he finally do it?” questions from well meaning family and friends wonderfing if my 36 year old boyfriend has finally gotten it together or not. I don’t need any more reminders that a proposal is long overdue.
My boyfriend is a wonderful man but has great anxiety about marriage due to his parent’s having a bad marriage and divorce (which they never properly handled in regards to him and how it would affect him later, that was sort of just ignored) and generalized anxiety. He is working on it with a counselor but it is still a tough road for us.
It isn’t going to help matters any if I’m sulking aside from ruining an otherwise nice vacation and time together. I know other bees have been through this, is there any way to truly just enjoy the moment and brush aside the feelings of disappointment knowing a proposal isn’t coming?