Post # 1
Hi Bees! So I comitted one heck of a rookie mistake and now I am in a bind and need help! Here is the situation: (sorry it is so long!)
- My mother lives in another state 5hrs away, is always REALLY busy with work, and had two girls (I am the youngest)
- My Future Mother-In-Law lives 20mins from the house that I share with my Fiance, is retired, and had 3 sons (always wanted a daughter)
- I invited my Future Mother-In-Law to come with me and my mom and sister when I select a dress. I thought it would be a nice gesture since we are fairly close and I see her more often than my mother. (I did this when I got engaged with saying that “when I pick a dress, I would love it if you could come with) She was so happy and touched that I would want her to be there.
- A month or so after we became engaged I graduated and both sides of the family got together at my house for dinner. After this, my mom started to get all snarky about my Future Mother-In-Law. She said things like “all she talks about is cooking and playing scrabble w/ her friends” “she clearly has a lot of time on her hands since she is already planing her outfit for the day, I mean, your wedding is over a year away” “You’re MY daughter, it’s not my fault she only had boys” etc
- After this she drops a casual “I would like to ask that you not invite (FMIL) to the bridal appointment. It would ruin the day and the experience for me.” REALLY!!! (btw she knows that I had already casually invited FMIL)
- The bad thing is that my Future Mother-In-Law is really nice and is actually more outwardly excited about the wedding than my mother. She is perhaps a bit overzealous with the wedding but she means well and it comes from genuine love and excitement. (she even sent me flowers at work when we got engaged to welcome me to her family).
So basically, I feel like my mom is being petty but because she is paying for the dress, I feel like I have to respect her request that my Future Mother-In-Law not be there. On the otherhand, how the heck I am suposed to get out of inviting the FMIL? What do you think I should do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)
Well, there’s a pretty big chance you’ll need more than one appointment to find your dress. Maybe tell your mom that your Future Mother-In-Law is invited to one of the early “just looking” appointments, but once you’re more serious and close to finding a dress, it will just be you and your mom? If you really want your Future Mother-In-Law at all the appointments, that’s another issue. But I can understand your mom wanting to share this special time with just you. She may also want to be sure you’re not too distracted by a lot of opinions when you go dress shopping.
Post # 4
I would just tell my Mom that “sorry, it’s too late, I already invited her. I need to ensure that I have a good relationship with my FMIL”.
Post # 5
Your mother needs to deal with it…
Post # 6
@parasol: I agree.
You’ll likely go a few times, so maybe ask your mom if she’d like Future Mother-In-Law along for an ealry trip or one of the decision ones. I was in the same boat, but then I found my dress on a random day without EITHER of them ever coming along with me, so you’re still a nicer daughter/in-law than I am 🙂
One thing, though, is to decide how you’ll want to run this show, and then set that out to both (but in this case, especially your mother). My own ma got a little bit of the crazy at first, telling me ‘don’t let anyone tell you what to do/make your choices/etc’ and then in the same breath letting me know that she sure planned to do x/y/z. You have to nip it in the bud early, and save yourself the stress later on.
Post # 7
- Wedding: February 2013 - Colonial Country Club, Ft. Myers, FL
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with inviting the Future Mother-In-Law, its a really nice gesture and a lot of people do it. Your mom sounds a teensy bit jealous, which is understandable, but she is going to have to get over it. What’s important is having the people who mean the most to YOU at your appt.
Besides, you may end up going to several different places to find a dress, which you can’t accomplish all in one day. I’m sure it will be difficult for you mother to drive 5 hours every time you have a dress appt.
Post # 8
@jules24chi: sounds like your mom is jealous of your Future Mother-In-Law.
Personally, I’d just tell your mom to get over herself. It’s YOUR wedding and your choice who you take.
Me, I didn’t take either my mom or my Future Mother-In-Law. It was me and my Maid/Matron of Honor on a weekend out together. (Our weekend consisted of Hobby Lobby, David’s Bridal, window shopping at the mall, lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, Barnes & Noble, and a movie. WAS AWESOME!!!)
Erm… but I ended up ordering mine online with my Fiance helping to pick it, anyway, so it was a win-win for me, my Maid/Matron of Honor (who I love dearly) and still got to exclude the parents. 🙂 I’m such a bad daughter, lol.
Post # 9
Depends on how reasonable your Mom is most of the time. If you think she has the ability to, tell her to suck it up and be nice. If you think she doesn’t have the ability to be reasonable, go separately–go first with your Mom and sister. Then go back with (for a 2nd opinion) or to a different place with Future Mother-In-Law.
Post # 10
@parasol: Great advice! Thanks!
@KoiKove: She is unpredictable at best. She is very emotional and this may be one of those things that makes her cry and/or provide snide comments for the next 10yrs.
@indibee: Thanks! I know that I will have to put my foot down but I just don’t want to hurt any feelings. My mom has also totally done the you need to do x/y/z thing too 🙂
@Zinzerena:That sounds fabulous! I wish I could just go with one person. I think my mom would hold that against me for a looong time though, lol
Thanks for all the great help bees!
Post # 11
Wow, jealous much?
I definitely think you should take this opportunity to nip your mom’s behavior in the bud and let her know that you like your Future Mother-In-Law and you aren’t going to exclude her or listen to people badmouth her, and that you expect all the women in your family and future family to treat each other with courtesy and respect.
It doesn’t sound like you and your mom are that close, and maybe she’s feeling it now, but you can’t let her sabotage your relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law either. Maybe try to do something else one on one with your mom?
Post # 12
@julies1949: Agreed. That was easy, wasn’t it? 😉
Post # 13
I don’t think you made a mistake at all. Your mom should understand that she is now your family also, and she see’s you as a daughter which is good! I think it sounds great the relationship you have with your Future Mother-In-Law.