(Closed) Rough Draft Guest List: Opinions Welcome!

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@lemiller:  Hello and welcome to the Bee! 🙂

I am not super experienced with guestlist etiquette but my take would be not to give your cousins a plus 1 if they still live with their parents. Invite them together with their parents instead. You could also go for the rule that people only get a plus 1 if they are married, engaged or living with their spouses… That probably excludes all of their relationships…

Post # 4
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lemiller:  This can be a touchy subject for any family and certainly was in the case of my cousin’s wedding!  She invited some cousins and not others, which left some of the others feeling very left out, not to mention she had some very upset aunties. 

 

There is certainly the school of thought that it is your wedding and you can invite whom you choose, especially since you are not close to them anyways.  Only you know your family dynamics and how that would go over.

 

Speaking from almost identical experience (except I have about 30 cousins instead of 12), I would consider inviting the cousins and give the ones that are 18+ a guest.  At the end of the day, family is still family and it sounds like it would mean a lot to your dad.  We cut our family guest list off at my and FI’s aunts and uncles and first cousins.  We found it easier, when dealing with family, to cut it off at a certain level of connection rather than by age.

 

Post # 5
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

There is no rule that anyone be given a plus one.  Spouses and fiances (and some would add live-in or long time partners) of guests must be invited.  Do leave room for engagements announced before invites go out.  Anything else is at your discretion.  See all major books, Emily Post, Miss Manners etc.  All have been updated to deal with gay/lesbian couples, but still indicate you do not need to invited plus one.

Post # 6
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

First (( HUGS )) cause Budget & Guest Lists (and the RSVP Cycle) is probably the most stressful elements of planning a Wedding

When it comes to Invitations and “setting the boundary” as a Couple you and your Groom to choose to do that at whatever point you feel is appropriate to meet the constraints of Budget & Venue Space etc.

So…

That could be… Everyone under the sun (I smell a Lottery win)

Aunts & Uncles & all the First Cousins and Dates for Everyone over 18

Aunts & Uncles & Just the First Cousins with their SOs*

(*Many set the boundary in these cases at SOs just for those that are Married / Living Together / or Engaged… which is considered “the polite” thing to do.  Some also include Long-Term Relationships.  The choice is yours)

Also, any one over the age of 18 should get their own Invitations, not be add-ons to their Parents.  And if you know the name of their SO / Date for the event you can either send that person their own Invite (Best Etiquette) or add it to the person you do know… or if you don’t have a name… then “and Guest” is still appropriate.

Some also decide to have No Kids at a Wedding, except for if they have Children participating in the Bridal Party

And again, you can set the boundary in that category wherever you choose…

No one under 18, 16, 14, 12, 10… whatever.

Hope this helps,

PS… Before you go hog-wild with your Guest List, do make sure that you’ve met the obligations completely for your Bridal Party (MOH & Maids, BM & Groomsmen / Ushers) & Immediate Family Members (Brothers & Sisters) in that ALL of them over the age of 18, should get a Plus One… regardless of their relationship status (and it should be a blanket invite… so whom they choose to bring doesn’t matter… Spouse, Fiance, SO, Date, or even their Mother… if that is who they wish to spend their weekend with while they give of their time to you and yours). As it is the polite thing to do.

For more info on Bridal Parties (and budgeting for them)… see this post and my Reply # 15 there

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/afraid-of-being-called-a-bridezilla#axzz2Utqwn7Jx

 

Post # 7
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This Time Round — it may be YOUR rules that everyone gets a plus one, or that WP does, it is not the rule of Emily Post, Miss Manners, etc.  No, I do not want a bunch of strangers at my wedding.

Post # 9
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

@This Time Round:  I asked you this in another thread that you ignored, so I will ask it again.

 

Can you please point me in the direction of an actual etiquette expert/authority that says that any one other then social units must be invited together?

 

To my knowledge, which despite not being a self appointed etiquette snob, no actual authority has ever said that ANYONE must be invited that isn’t a social unit.

 

I do agree with you though, that it is kind to invite bridal party, and siblings with a guest (who should be invited by name, preferably with an invitation sent to their home, etc) it isn’t mandated.

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @andielovesj: My point of reference remains as it has always been…

Emily Post’s “Etiquette” and “Wedding Etiquette” Books.

You are correct about Recognized Social Units getting Invites… BUT that refers to the General Guest List.

IT IS ALSO considered “Polite & Courteous” to also extend such niceities to members of one’s immediate family (Grown Siblings) and those in the Bridal Party.  The Bridal Party in particular because you are expecting them to give up a fair chunk of time for you (Wedding Weekend).  Particularly so also if Travel is involved (Destination Weddings for sure, but also if one must stay over / take a Hotel Room etc)

 

Post # 11
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This Time Around — you are free to create your own rules — but does any recognized authority agree with you (i.e. book).  One would think that immediate family and WP know other people there.  As to out of town, when people visit colleges, do they bring a date?  No,  Adults can travle by themselves.   THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT THAT EVERYONE GET TO BRING A DATE OR GET A PLUS ONE.  NO ONE.   This is YOUR rule, so own it. 

Some guests may WANT a plus one or to bring a BF.  This does not make it a requirement.

Post # 12
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

@This Time Round:  I’ve read the Emily Post books.

But I can’t remember any passage that says it is required to invite those guests with a date.  All guests are equal, and thus social unit rules apply also to them.

I agree it is courteous and kind to extend them a guest.  But it is not impolite to do so if they aren’t a part of a recognized social unit.

I think you are doing a disservice to brides on here when you present yourself as an expert, and then give out advice that isn’t in line with what acutal experts in the topic have to say.

It is your opinion that BP and immediate family get guests, and you are free to apply that kindness to your guests.  But it doesn’t make it impolite for brides to not follow this opinion.

Post # 13
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I posted about a very similar situation a few days ago and got flamed for it, but here is my two cents.

 

We are inviting by relationship, so everyone who is a first cousin or closer is invited (that includes some teenagers on my side but mostly adults). Family members are invited with dates if they are living together, engaged, married or in a long-term relationship, this is the same for friends. If we did not know their status then we asked six months ago, and then we updated with them again in May just to confirm. 

 

All of the over-18 guests got their own invitation, although all except one were sent to their parent’s house since they are mostly college students. 

 

I think you are better off inviting all of your cousins, and then just dates however you are applying it to the rest of your guests.

 

Post # 14
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do agree that it would be unusual for a Destination Wedding to not allow plus ones, but most weddings are not DWs.  This Time Around, you are extrapolating to make an erroneous conclusion.  As to a “Wedding Weekend” — what do you mean, RD and Wedding?  If someone is not married or engaged, no book says you have to give them a plus one or a casual BF. 

Post # 15
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

@lotto:  You have behaved 100% above bar.  I don’t know how anyone can flame you for that.

You have invited in a courteous and polite manner. 

A real problem on this site, is people post their opinion as facts when they themselves don’t have a handle on polite etiquette.

Post # 16
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lemiller:  I think you really need to invite your cousins. They’re family! However, they do not need a plus one unless they’re in a long-term, commited relationship. If anyone doesn’t like that they don’t get a plus one, just explain that you want the people at your wedding to be people who are consistently part of your circle of family and friends and you don’t want to end up with pictures of random people who no one remembers.

Oy my parents flipppped when I didn’t want to invite their cousins, but I just told them that if they do they have to pay the extra! (which they are) but it just sucks because I may end up with some tables on the dance floor at this rate :/ oh well! what am I gonna do! 

The topic ‘Rough Draft Guest List: Opinions Welcome!’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors