(Closed) rough start…

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Step one: Stop enabling him. Stop searching for jobs for him. Once he sees that you’re not going to baby him, he might step up. 

Also, speak frankly to him about this. Tell him you’re not going to tolerate his crap anymore and that he needs to start acting like an adult. No unpaid internships. No part-time bartending gigs. No playing video games all day while you slave away. He needs to get a real, full-time job and help you financially.

Post # 4
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@tgrlily1214:  ahhh unpaid internship at a recording studio. Darling Husband and I moved to another state so he could get a PAID internship at a recording studio, needless to say, its been 8 months and no money yet. That is a tough industry to get into. Hopefully his option is close to home, and he can at least work as well. Does he not make very much bartending? I know some people do, some don’t..it sounds like you are struggling, so I will guess not. Have you had a talk with him about whats going on in your head, and what you think needs to happen? Sometimes it takes a few times to get through a guys head (although we all wish it wouldn’t). If he wants an internship at a recording studio, does he have any experience in the field, and does he have any equipment? Darling Husband does “mobile recording” projects to bring in extra cash….Let him follow his dream as much as he wants, but he needs to know he needs to be bringing in money to pay the bills too!

Post # 6
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@tgrlily1214: It’s tough to tell sometimes, because most people want to do whatever they can to help their loved ones. But at this point, it sounds like all your help is showing him that he doesn’t have to do things for himself (instead of the intended goal, which is to help him get back on his feet and feel supported). 

Can you give an example of what you say when you tell him how you feel? Perhaps we could give you some advice on how to phrase things so it’ll get through to him.

Post # 7
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

What the heck does he mean, he “doesn’t know” how his driver’s license got suspended?  I think he knows darn well, but doesn’t want to tell you.

Post # 8
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@strawbabies: Yea that is BS. Honestly, this guy sounds like a total loser. No job? No interest in even FINDING a job?? No license? How is he even going to GET to work? And I see your in PA…well, PA isnt exactly known for its music industry. So I would say that is a dead end.

Post # 10
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I don’t think calling him a “loser” is in any way helpful or appropriate…

Post # 11
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think it might help to talk to your parents if you’re really close to them.  Do they like him?  I know you say they’d be devastated but aren’t they aware that he doesn’t have a full time job?

Also, maybe you could try counseling again?  He needs to know how much this bothers you and he needs to grow up.

Post # 12
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think he needs to tell you why his license is suspended, I’m not sure I buy this “I don’t know” thing… was it parking tickets or something? Usually it’s some event that you remember.

Do you think he might be depressed? I have seen this behavior before in people and it was often a total lack of self-esteem and self-confidence.

I also wouldn’t be afraid to talk to your parents and friends about what’s going on. You deserve to have an emotionall support system.

Post # 14
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your husband sounds like a lot of guys I’ve know and dated in the past. The perpetual man-child, artist, dreamer. He may be struggling with issues of having to step up and be a grown up, and put the dream of being a rockstar on the back burner.

 

Post # 15
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@tgrlily1214: Wow. I’m really surprised that no one else reccomended depression screening. He needs to do this, now. My Darling Husband went through this, and to some extent I did as well in the last few years. When you’re depressed (and gosh is being unemployed depressing) you find that hours sometimes disappear into totally meaningless activities (video games.)

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s really frustrating. But I think the most compassionate thing for you to do, is sit him down. Calmly, without judgement, lay out how this is making you feel.

Example: “Honey, I love you more than anything, but when I watch you do this, this, and this while I’m out there doing this, this, and this, it makes me feel a, b, and c. I need you to work with me, and I think x, y, and z might help. However, in order for me to feel partnered, I absolutely NEED you to do q, r, and s.” 

Until you’ve had this conversation with him and given him an appropriate amount of time to see whether he is actually on board with you and trying to get through it, I don’t think its time for you to take your marital problems to others. At this stage, I think you should keep it between you. <3

 

 

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