Post # 1
This is my first post though I have always enjoyed following these boards,
About a month and a half ago, I married the kindest and most caring guy I’ve ever known. He’s very good to me and would never hurt me. The problem is, he seems to struggle with day-to-day life. He can’t find full-time work (he works part time as a bartender) and “doesn’t know why” his driver’s license is supended. So basically I’m killing myself at work to cover the bills and I’m constantly online researching jobs for him and trying to figure out the procedures for getting his driver’s license back while he plays video games. I’m tired and resentful and nothing is getting through to him. I can’t talk to my friends or family about how life really is because I don’t want them to know I married a person like this. My parents (who I am very close to) would be devastated.
I was very sick 2 years ago and I am drowning in medical bills (husband is aware), my car is about to crap out (he doesn’t have one of course) and he just told me he wants to get an (unpaid) internship at a recording studio.
We are both 31.
I’m sure you’re all thinking “Was he like this before they got married?”-slightly. Its gotten progressively worse, not better. We did have pre-marital counseling.
I would appreciate any advice because I dont know what to do anymore.
Post # 3
Step one: Stop enabling him. Stop searching for jobs for him. Once he sees that you’re not going to baby him, he might step up.
Also, speak frankly to him about this. Tell him you’re not going to tolerate his crap anymore and that he needs to start acting like an adult. No unpaid internships. No part-time bartending gigs. No playing video games all day while you slave away. He needs to get a real, full-time job and help you financially.
Post # 4
@tgrlily1214: ahhh unpaid internship at a recording studio. Darling Husband and I moved to another state so he could get a PAID internship at a recording studio, needless to say, its been 8 months and no money yet. That is a tough industry to get into. Hopefully his option is close to home, and he can at least work as well. Does he not make very much bartending? I know some people do, some don’t..it sounds like you are struggling, so I will guess not. Have you had a talk with him about whats going on in your head, and what you think needs to happen? Sometimes it takes a few times to get through a guys head (although we all wish it wouldn’t). If he wants an internship at a recording studio, does he have any experience in the field, and does he have any equipment? Darling Husband does “mobile recording” projects to bring in extra cash….Let him follow his dream as much as he wants, but he needs to know he needs to be bringing in money to pay the bills too!
Post # 5
Thank you for your input…I guess I didn’t realize I was enabling him. It just felt like it wouldn’t get done unless I did it myself.
I have told him over and over how I feel. Unfortunately, husband was sheltered from the world growing up (in-laws are/were in a cult like church-yes, really) his mother did everything for him and he’s always had help with everything (not just from me) so I don’t know how to break him out of this rut.
Side note-my husband was in a band that put out a couple of albums so he does have some recording experience. Still totally not OK with an unpaid internship.
Post # 6
@tgrlily1214: It’s tough to tell sometimes, because most people want to do whatever they can to help their loved ones. But at this point, it sounds like all your help is showing him that he doesn’t have to do things for himself (instead of the intended goal, which is to help him get back on his feet and feel supported).
Can you give an example of what you say when you tell him how you feel? Perhaps we could give you some advice on how to phrase things so it’ll get through to him.
Post # 7
What the heck does he mean, he “doesn’t know” how his driver’s license got suspended? I think he knows darn well, but doesn’t want to tell you.
Post # 8
@strawbabies: Yea that is BS. Honestly, this guy sounds like a total loser. No job? No interest in even FINDING a job?? No license? How is he even going to GET to work? And I see your in PA…well, PA isnt exactly known for its music industry. So I would say that is a dead end.
Post # 10
I don’t think calling him a “loser” is in any way helpful or appropriate…
Post # 11
I think it might help to talk to your parents if you’re really close to them. Do they like him? I know you say they’d be devastated but aren’t they aware that he doesn’t have a full time job?
Also, maybe you could try counseling again? He needs to know how much this bothers you and he needs to grow up.
Post # 12
I think he needs to tell you why his license is suspended, I’m not sure I buy this “I don’t know” thing… was it parking tickets or something? Usually it’s some event that you remember.
Do you think he might be depressed? I have seen this behavior before in people and it was often a total lack of self-esteem and self-confidence.
I also wouldn’t be afraid to talk to your parents and friends about what’s going on. You deserve to have an emotionall support system.
Post # 13
Just to clarify a few things:
He was not always a part time worker, shifts were cut back.
He got into some trouble in 2007 and his license was suspended. He paid fines and got it back 30 days later. (In Pennsylvania, your license is physically confiscated when it is suspended and it is returned to you when the supension is up) However, when it expired and he went to have it renewed, records indicated that it was still suspended. The confusion is why did Harrisburg mail it back to him if that was the case?
We live in Philadelphia, where many people dont have cars because you can take a train/trolley/subway anywhere. That is how he gets to work.
I do think it is a depression and low self esteem issue.
Post # 14
Your husband sounds like a lot of guys I’ve know and dated in the past. The perpetual man-child, artist, dreamer. He may be struggling with issues of having to step up and be a grown up, and put the dream of being a rockstar on the back burner.
Post # 15
@tgrlily1214: Wow. I’m really surprised that no one else reccomended depression screening. He needs to do this, now. My Darling Husband went through this, and to some extent I did as well in the last few years. When you’re depressed (and gosh is being unemployed depressing) you find that hours sometimes disappear into totally meaningless activities (video games.)
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s really frustrating. But I think the most compassionate thing for you to do, is sit him down. Calmly, without judgement, lay out how this is making you feel.
Example: “Honey, I love you more than anything, but when I watch you do this, this, and this while I’m out there doing this, this, and this, it makes me feel a, b, and c. I need you to work with me, and I think x, y, and z might help. However, in order for me to feel partnered, I absolutely NEED you to do q, r, and s.”
Until you’ve had this conversation with him and given him an appropriate amount of time to see whether he is actually on board with you and trying to get through it, I don’t think its time for you to take your marital problems to others. At this stage, I think you should keep it between you. <3