Post # 1
Today, we got a “decline” RSVP (our very first) from someone who has expressed interest in attending our wedding for the past year or so. We’re very confused by this. He also sent us a gift- Tiffany’s wine and champagne glasses (not crystal, just glass). I was pretty excited about the gift until I noticed they cost $15 each so they’re not anything extrordinary, and this person who declined is very, very wealthy.
I am personally not really bothered by any of this. But, my FI’s family (it’s his uncle) is completely and totally flipping out. They’ve threatened to never talk to him again for sending such a lousy gift and for not attending the wedding, and the uncle as a result sent us this huge rambling email giving about 50 excuses for why he couldn’t come and a bunch of crap about how our day will be so great anyway.
Are they overreacting? Am I underreacting? I’m not even sure how to deal with this situation. I’d really rather stay out of it, but since I was addressed in the email (though it wasn’t sent to me, because he didn’t have my address) I feel like I really can’t stay out of it and I have to join one side of the fence or the other. I’ve never even met this guy so I’m not sure how to feel.
I’m kind of thinking about returning the wine glasses…we already have regular wine glasses anyway and don’t really have space for more, but the credit through Tiffany’s probably wouldn’t be enough to even buy anything else.
Post # 3
I would just be thankful for the gift; no matter what it was. And it wouldn’t matter to me how wealthy or not wealthy the gift giver is. As for your FI’s family, I think they are being very thoughtless and rude with their behaviour. It really is none of their business how much this person spends on a gift and whether or not they attend your wedding. Maybe this uncle is staying away because he doesn’t want to be involved in any drama; although this gift has contributed to a different kind of drama. I would send the uncle an email or card apologizing for the behaviour of the others’ and let him know that you really appreciate his thoughtfullness to even send you a gift. I think FI’s family are being way too materialistic. They should be the ones to apologize, but from what you have shared, I doubt they would.
Post # 4
Your FI’s family is being very rude by saying anything to him at all. The most you should have said was “Thank You” for the glasses and “We’ll miss you!” regarding the decline…
I have a pretty wealthy uncle who gave us a super modest present for our wedding. I thought it was odd, and so did my mom (it’s her brother), but we just had our own private chuckle about it and then moved on to enjoying the gift! We would never have dreamed of calling him out on it.
I would stay out of it. Don’t respond to the email — instead, hand-write him a very nice thank you note saying you’ll be sure to miss him, and leave it at that.
Post # 5
I agree about saying thank you for the gift and for expressing his reasons to you both. As for the rest of the family, let them handle it.
Post # 6
gee whiz how immature of the other family
At least he sent you a gift, also and least he bothered to actually decline where I know people dont send an rsvp in or say yes and then not show up.
Handwritten note is way to go and to ignore email. Take the higherground…
Post # 7
Yikes! FIRST, stay out of it. This is family drama with FI’s family. Let them deal with it. Send him a thank you note and tell him that you wish he could have attended. Don’t take it personally, since this probably has nothign to do with you.
Post # 8
I agree let FI’s family handle how they want to, and you stay out of it. Let them know you are trying to be understanding of the uncle’s situation and don’t want to get in the middle of it. They may just be trying to stand up for you. Once they realize you aren’t bothered by it, they may let it drop.
Post # 9
Yeah I think his family is just really weird about this stuff. FI’s mom has openly said that if any one of their family members doesn’t attend the wedding she’ll never talk to them again.
I think they’re exaggerating but also that they are creating drama where there really wasn’t any. If someone doesn’t want to come, then they don’t have to, but there’s no need for such explosive behavior. My mom and I sort of find the whole situation funny, in that we think it’s totally ridiculous that they’re all behaving like this over one decline.
Fiance is disappointed his uncle isn’t coming to the wedding and is holding it against him because he really wanted his uncle there and really thought by all his interest in the wedding that he was going to attend. I told him “you’ll forgive him for it though” and he said “yeah, I’ll forgive him and then get over him”.
Should I send a card now? I was planning to wait until after the wedding and then send all the thank-yous. Not sure what’s really proper in this situation.
Post # 10
I would send a quick thank you note now just saying “thank you for the beautiful wine glasses. We’re so sorry you won’t be making it to the wedding. You’ll absolutely be missed!” I think that diplomatically says that you’re not participating in the drama that your Future Mother-In-Law is causing in the family, and you appreciate his thoughtful gift.
Post # 11
I would definitely send him a thank you card now, so he doesn’t think you’ve forgotten it. Maybe also include a nice little note that says, “We’re sorry you won’t be able to make it to the wedding, and hope to see you soon.”
Post # 12
I think your plan is good… Definitely send a card now — looks like your wedding isn’t for 2 months, which is a little long to wait to send them. Plus, the more early ones you get out of the way now, the less annoying the rest will be after May 28!
Post # 13
I would send a card now. Since you’ve already recieved the gift & especially since you know your Fiance family is acting out of line. People have reasons for not attending weddings. I doubt if he declined the invite just to spite his family. It was very thoughtful for him (a man; on his own….) to send a gift. Most men wouldn’t even do that. I say go with what has been mentioned above. Send a thank you for the glasses and sorry he can’t attend & you’ll miss him.
Post # 14
There is always going to be something. Honestly, if he doesn’t want to be there would you really want him to be there? And if he sent a cheap gift it’s really the thought that counts. Considering what weddings costs aren’t you glad he said he couldn’t make it rather than RSVP’ing yes and not showing?
Post # 15
Ugh the drama continues…
We went out of town this weekend and I’d planned to send off a thank-you for the gift as soon as we got back from our trip (we went to a friend’s wedding out of state). While we were gone, we got three emails from the uncle (who copied his parents on the emails) trying to explain why he couldn’t make it, etc. Apparently he’d actually sent a letter to us before sending in his decline response, but he sent it to the wrong address so he got it back undeliverable on Friday. This explains a lot why all the drama has transpired on our end, plus he wasn’t sure that the package went to the correct address. I sent him a note back saying that we’d miss him at the wedding but we understand and all that, and thanking him for the gift.
I copied FI’s mom on the email so that they would know that we responded and took care of the situation. His mom sent me an email back saying “I feel the same way. I am never talking to him, ever again! Family is family!” I am pretty sure there is no way anyone could have read my email and thought that we would never talk to him again, so I’m not sure what she’s talking about.
To make matters worse, apparently FI’s dad was informed by this uncle (his brother) a few weeks ago that he wouldn’t be attending, but was waiting until we actually heard the news to yell at his brother. Ugh!
@DemoDreamer- well, he’s not exactly on his own- he lives with his partner. However, being gay is also a taboo subject for FI’s family (sigh) so his partner isn’t really ever mentoned. We did invite them both to the wedding, though. It seems like there was already some bad blood there because of his lifestyle and this tipped the wagon for FI’s family.
Post # 16
This sounds really horrible and maybe like they are looking for an excuse not to speak to the uncle. I could be reading too much into it but honestly-what happend isn’t that big of a deal. He can’t come, he sent a gift, and an email (even though it was late getting to you.) he did nothing wrong and it sounds like the rest of the family has the problem. maybe the uncle feels uncomfortable around his family.